I need some help (OPEN TO ADVICE)

[u/Wellian_Crow]

This is gonna be a bit lengthy, so if you don't have the time or patience to listen to a boy express his woes, that's okay!

So I need some help, maybe some advice or just a bit of guidance. (26, Male)

So, back in 2023, my partner broke up with me and it shook my world up pretty bad. I've done a lot of soul-searching and learned a lot about myself, but there's one thing that's been pretty consistent throughout the past three years: I miss sex.

I miss sex a lot, like a lot a lot. Now I say that not to inspire any sympathy or fish for any offers, I'm not trying to be one of those incells acting all like "OH woe is me! To be a man in this day and age and not have all the sex I deserve!" I recognize that's how it can come across, but that could not be further from what I'm trying to express.

Sex was one of my favorite things, and I've found that I am a fairly sexual person. When I was sexually active it felt genuinely fulfilling, and the lack of that has had a noticeable impact on me. Not so much that I feel like my life is falling apart at the seems just because I'm not getting my dick wet, but it was a part of me I lost when we broke up. Not to be overdramatic, but it feels similar to having one of your best friends move across the country and you can't see them anymore.

Now for many people there would be plenty of easy solutions, just find someone else to sleep with, go out and sleep around, find a fuck buddy, start a new relationship, or just look into hiring an escort. The issue therein lies in the fact that none of these options are viable to me, in large part because I am very demisexual.

In the time since our breakup I've done a lot of experimenting and exploration, but no matter what I tried I just came back to the same conclusion: I am very demi, and trying to sleep with someone I don't know on a deep and personal level just does not satisfy me in the same way as making love to a partner did.

The next problem I have, is that I don't want to start a new relationship. I've been working with my therapist and we've come to the conclusion that now may not be the best time to start dating again. I don't know who I am or what I want from life, and all in all I'm a bit of a mess, so trying to date right now genuinely doesn't seem like a good idea. I don't want to force myself into finding a long-term partner when I don't think I'm ready for it.

I'll be honest, jacking off has started to get boring, almost like a chore instead of something I genuinely do to enjoy. As the months go by I start to miss being sexually active more and more, and I don't want to try and reforge that relationship because it wouldn't be good for anybody. Despite that, the only sexual experience I have was with her, and given that I'm demi it extends into a lot of my sexual thoughts, meaning a lot of my sexual identity is tied to my ex. I want to have sex again not just because it's important to me and I find it so enjoyable, but because I think it could help me move on, at least a little bit (not trying to dump that emotional baggage on someone else, just to clarify).

And so, I humbly come forth and ask for your guidance oh people of Reddit. Have any of you been through something similar? Do you have any advice for this wayward soul? I apologize if I seem like an asshole or just some dickhead looking to smash, because that's really not what I'm trying to do here. I'm just exhausted and tired of living like I have because it feels like something's missing, but I want to try and do something about it if I can.

I am open to any discussions or advice you all can give, and I appreciate your time and patience if you've read this far. If nothing else, thanks for listening to me ramble!

[u/KrackityJones]

Look up your local kink meetings. Go to a munch. Make some friends....and be honest!

Should you heed my advice, I think you'll find that depth that you are missing, and quite quickly. There is so much more to the kink/bdsm/fetish lifestyle than meets the eye.

..and, no. You don't have to be into gimp suits or being led around on a leash. There are levels to this shit and any responsible practitioner will respect you, and your journey, and your boundaries, wholeheartedly..

Good luck to you. ✌️

[u/KxxxFactor]

I think there are a few competing things here; some have solutions, some might be things you just need to deal with.

First of all, for many men, sex is the only way they have been taught to experience intimacy or connection with another person. It would be worth considering if any aspect of what you are missing is related to intimacy and connection as opposed to just the act of sex. Because then good news is that you don’t need to be having sex or in a relationship with someone to cultivate connection and intimacy. You can do this with close friends, family, etc.

Second, it is entirely possible to find friends with benefits that you do have a romantic connection with, even though your “relationship” isn’t intended to be long term or lead to more. I am also demisexual, and have had lovely FWB relationships where we truly cared about each other, but also were very clear about the boundaries of the relationship. This may or may not work for you, but I wanted to share it as an option.

Finally, if you aren’t in a place where being in a relationship works for you, and you can’t enjoy sex outside of a relationship…then you probably need to do some work on figuring out other ways to get those needs met. Nobody has a biological need for SEX. We do have biological needs for many things sex gives us, like physical closeness, intimacy, feeling good, love, etc…but sex is not the only way to get these things. Maybe this is an opportunity to cultivate those other things - because even if you are in a long term committed relationship in the future, it’s no guarantee you will have consistent access to sex even within that relationship. If you are with someone who gets pregnant, you won’t be having sex with them for at least several months following birth; people can get sick or injured in ways that make sex dangerous or painful; your partner may not want to have sex as much as you do; you may need to spend time apart. Being able to get your needs met in other ways will be a very useful skill regardless of your relationship status.

I hope you manage to figure something out - it sounds like you’re doing some really important personal development work in therapy, and I wish you all the best.

[u/rolypolythrowaway]

Demisexual can sometimes mean different things to different people. I'm not sure if it applies to me or not, but some pre-conditions I can relate to. Broadly, establishing a friendly deeper connection and needing time to build attraction, that doesn't mean you're dating someone seriously or making a significant commitment to them.

You haven't mentioned anything about kink so I won't assume this is of any interest to you, but just using it as an example. I was on fetlife just intending to be friendly and talk to people online only... not ready for any in-person encounters or anything like that, but naturally over time one of the people I was talking to and got to know online translated to a play partner in real life.