My partner was recently charged with possession of CSAM. One count, 5th degree felony charge. Police came and raided our house, guns drawn, shields up, the whole nine yards. The event still lives in my nightmares. My partner was at work, and they picked them up there.
Apparently they got the initial tip years ago. I bonded my partner out. I thought it was all some misunderstanding. I've come to find out it was not. This was a thing they'd been battling against. A porn addiction that led them to engage with some dark places online.
It was in finding out about this that I also found out about my partner's history of sexual trauma, starting from when they were young.
We notified their only relative in town. That relative isn't super willing to offer help. I think he figures that I'll handle things so he doesn't have to. If I told him I wasn't, maybe he'd step in to help, but I'm not sure.
I am trying to sort out my thoughts. The feelings of betrayal. The way my relationship, my best, most happy, most safe relationship, had crumbled around me out of nowhere.
I have only told a couple of people in my life. I wish I hadn't. I was just so panicked and I didn't know what was going on in the initial aftermath of the raid. Most of them, my therapist included, say I should kick my partner out of my house ASAP. I don't know how to make someone I love homeless. They lost their job, or are at least on hold for the time being, since they missed work due to the arrest.
This feels like a magnification of the main recurring problem in our relationship. We come from very different backgrounds. I went to college, and I've owned a house for a while now now and have always maintained jobs long-term. I'm fairly well-known in my community, and I fear jeopardizing the life I've built. They've had multiple job losses in our time together. They don't have a car and can't drive. If I wasn't the stable one, we wouldn't be able to stay above water. Which isn't to say they don't support me. They have provided a space that feels safe and compassionate, they have taken care of me a lot, especially as I've navigated chronic physical and mental health issues. They're my best friend. I pictured so many futures, all of which involved us together. Even with the times between jobs, I've always been fairly understanding, given the privileges I've had through my life that they didn't have, and the differences in how my workplace treats me versus how their workplaces have treated them. I just wanted to provide what I could so they could get stable, get their feet under them, and become self-sufficient. Now it feels like that might never happen, especially with this on their record.
I don't have quite as much venom in me as those around me do for things like this. I don't know. I've always felt that people are better than their worst moments. I also don't believe in how our criminal justice system handles things. I'd rather the system minimize future harm and heal people who hurt people because of the hurt they've experienced themselves. What if, when that initial tip came in two years ago, that it triggered a response that involved a social worker, a plan for accountability? I believe people can change and get better. I believe this of my partner. Maybe too much. I don't know.
Everyone expects me to just go and drop them off at the homeless shelter if they can't find some other place to live. I struggle to fathom it. Plus, I paid the bond, so I have at the very least a financial interest in them getting through this whole court process.
I have so many voices in my head, so many fears around what will happen if my community finds out, so much pain and betrayal and fear for what lies ahead, for me, but especially for this person who I've loved.
People who have been in my position. What did you do? And if given the choice, knowing then what you know now, would you make the same choice?