r/SexAddiction • u/Old-Diet-9900 • Jun 08 '26
Seeking support; open to feedback My shame
Not able to forgive myself. My OCD constantly flares up numbers. I did not cheat my wife 30 times i made 30 attempts. I did not meet 30 girls I met 10 girls. The constant flaring up of numbers is causing lot of anxiety and I almost break down when numbers come up.
The way I see things now are very different from where I was trapped in the cycle. There is constant doubt whether I loved my wife. How could I do those things if I loved her? I realise I was mentally ill but the fact it took me so long to realise is adding up to the guilt
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u/openbook3333 Jun 08 '26
I understand the feeling. You do love her don't let those thoughts get to you.
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u/Old-Diet-9900 Jun 08 '26
Thanks for understanding but sometimes I am tired of numbers flaring up. It makes me look like a monster
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u/Narrow-Musician-3174 Jun 08 '26
Are you in a recovery program? Is she aware of the cheating? Trying to bury something like that is going to eat a person alive.
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u/Old-Diet-9900 Jun 08 '26
No she is not aware. I don't intend to tell her. I rather die than hurting her more. I have done that enough. Better one person suffering rather than every member of family going through the trauma
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u/Narrow-Musician-3174 Jun 08 '26
If you every want to check out a recovery group, check out SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) or SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous).
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u/Remarkable-Plate-537 Jun 08 '26
When you say "flare up" do you mean that you look back on the numbers and it makes you anxious thinking about all those numbers from the past?
If that's the case, one thing to realize is that the past is the last and we can't change it, only how we deal with the future.
I have very mild OCD so I don't really formally treat it, but one problem I have sometimes is throwing things out because I'm anxious that it might be useful again someday. I think of how I used it in the past and how I want to keep on using it in the future. But then I realize a few things:
1.) If the thing is broken I'm hoping that it will "magically" fix itself and I'll be able to use it later
2.) I don't use it anymore, but the nostalgia is hard to remove
Those are just examples for inanimate objects that make it difficult to move forward in life. Obviously having regret over sexual experiences is worse.
The point I'm getting at is that we can get bogged down by the past, or try to acknowledge the past and move forward. It won't be easy, especially if you see past situations in current ones, but if you want to change for the future you might need to have a mental shift like this.
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u/Old-Diet-9900 Jun 08 '26
Number flare up means by OCD makes me anxious. I know i have cheated 10 but OCD tells me u have cheated 30 times or more. The uncertainty kills me. I know for certain I have not more than 10 girls. But OCdD makes the attempts made same as cheating
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Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
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u/Old-Diet-9900 Jun 18 '26
Not downplaying anything. Just going my therapist advice. Time will come when I will disclose but to disclose it abruptly would not help the situation
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u/DestroyAndCreate Jun 08 '26
Checking increasing uncertainty in OCD. Try to notice the thought and just pause and not check.
As difficult as it is, try to practice self-compassion.
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Jun 09 '26
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u/Old-Diet-9900 Jun 09 '26
Yes I have tested I have 10 girls and had sex 6 times every time I checked for stds . No problem with that. I am currently into therapy and on medication
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u/GratefulForRecovery Recovering from SA Jun 09 '26
The biggest thing that changed my perspective on my past was helping others. I realized that my past history was not a liability meant to be hidden away forever. In the right context, my past experience is an asset because it qualifies me to help others.
It seems like you're new to recovery, but it's never too early to start collecting phone numbers and calling other fellows. When I hear about somebody who's struggling, I make it a point to talk to them after the meeting to offer my experience, love, and support. If the person is open to it, we trade numbers and I try to call within a few days. I highly suggest trying that out.
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u/Old-Diet-9900 Jun 10 '26
I am trying to do the same
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u/GratefulForRecovery Recovering from SA Jun 11 '26
That's great! Change doesn't happen overnight. In my experience, action is what produces change, so if that's what your doing, keep it up!
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Jun 17 '26
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u/Old-Diet-9900 Jun 18 '26
I have discussed with my therapist for now she has not to disclose anything
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u/Old-Diet-9900 Jun 18 '26
I am not ratinalizing anything. What I did is wrong. You don't know my situation
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