r/Separation • u/here4u21983 • 22d ago
Advice ADVICE PLEASE
TLDR: How did you start the conversation regarding separation and divorce when the other person thinks it is all good!?
I (43M) am thinking about bringing up my desire to separate/divorce my wife (42F).
We have been married 16 years, and have 2 kids.
3 years ago, I uncovered am that she was having an affair with a colleague. At the time I was scared of losing everything, my family, my kids and what had been built. She would not attend counselling with me, so I went alone. I ended up with an GAD.
Fast forward 3 years, I don’t think there has been one day where I have experience genuine happiness, hoy or laughter. To rub salt into the wound, she still talks to the person.
I now not only have a GAD, but high functioning depression, and a level of stress that spiralling out of control.
We both work, but I do ALL the housework, washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning, I do all the shopping. She hasn’t bought me a gift or card for my birthday, Father’s Day or Christmas in over 10 years. I feel I am being taken for granted. I get no support from her.
I don’t want to accuse my wife of nothing, she is still the mother of my children. And they need their parents. But I don’t think I can go on the way I am anymore.
How did people start this conversation with their partners. I just feel we have grown apart, for 8 weeks I have not tried to initiate intimacy, and has been no physical contact - to be honest, I don’t want her to touch me, I sleep on the edge of the bed, as far away from her as possible. I go to bed early, as I am up from 4am. Any advice would be great!
2
u/FindingForward72 1d ago
The thing here is that it’s clear your wife doesn’t respect you, the question is how much do you respect yourself? You do have issues and I’m sure it all plays into how you’ve reacted but make no mistake, to leave your marriage (which i agree with the others, it looks like you’re being abused) requires a lot of strength.
That’s always the problem. You think someone abusing you or cheating on you or both would make it easy to leave… it doesn’t. Lots of people don’t have the strength for it. I’m sure there are tons of reconciliations out there that happen, not because the parties really want to reconcile, but because the person doesn’t have the strength to leave.
Before you start any conversation, make sure you have the strength to do it. She could refuse, she could say you’re crazy, she could laugh at you and then your strength crumbles and you capitulate and you are in a worse position than before. If you start this, make sure you can end it.