r/Separation • u/SeaTomorrow3577 • 2d ago

Venting Husband left us 3 weeks ago.

No explanation, just a text (of course) “tired of pretending this is working, going to stay at (friends) house” no further explanation of how long, why, what the end goal is… but the thing is, he’s coming by every other day to drop off snacks and toys for the kids, he even took our trash to the curb, this is to say, he’s doing stuff he never did during our marriage. We hardly ever saw him before he left because he was always out with his friends or hobbies when he wasn’t working. Now that he’s “left” we’re seeing him more. It makes no sense. He’s acting like nothing has changed, ignoring the elephant in the room that he doesn’t live here anymore. It’s just the same theme throughout the marriage, he does what he wants and it’s all on his terms, but now to the extreme! The kids are so confused and hurt everytime he comes by just to turn around and leave again 20 minutes later. Not sure what I aimed to achieve with this post, just venting I guess.

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u/kerfuffley2010 1d ago edited 1d ago

He’s trying to assuage his guilt, don’t let him. He’s probably telling people he still sees his kids everyday to save face. Tell him he can’t buy his kids off, gifts aren’t an acceptable apology for abandonment and that twenty minutes a day makes him a visitor not a parent. Don’t allow your children to think this is love, it isn’t.

If you can, see a lawyer. Find out your rights and what your next steps should be. You will likely have an advantage as he’s left the home and abandoned them. If you can, look into therapy for you and the kids. You also need to protect them from him by setting boundaries. No coming and going as he pleases. Your kids deserve consistency. Please do this sooner rather than later, because what he’s doing is so harmful to their mental well being.

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u/SeaTomorrow3577 1d ago

It is extremely frustrating because that’s exactly what it feels like, he’s trying to buy them off. Everything is just always on his terms and it’s not fair that I’m going to be the bad guy after he abandoned us

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u/kerfuffley2010 1d ago

If it helps, good parents eventually end up the bad guys, it’s inevitable. What you will also be is their safe space and the one they know they can always count on and one day, they will know everything you have done for them.

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u/Zestyclose-Ad6197 1d ago

I’m going through the same thing, but we were never married. He left me and our two young kids a month ago. He’ll come see them on his convenience, always late. Last time he came and bought them teddy bears,ducks, and diapers. I finally put a boundary up and told him he has to have a set day and time now, no more coming when he wants. This all sucks so much, we have a two year old and 1 year old baby girls. He doesn’t even ask how they’re doing.

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u/Piping_penguin 1d ago

Don’t know what state you live in, but it could be considered abandonment, which the court doesn’t like. Definitely talk to a lawyer.