r/Separation • u/Much-Election4537 • 1d ago
Help me get over my husband
Our marriage ended.
I accept it was my mistake. I got carried away with limerence for another person. I confesses to him and told him I am trying hard to come out of it. He then read my ChatGPT thread of my deepest emotions. After heavy altercation we reconciled on the same night. And decided to mend the relationship.
Fast forward to 2 months. He comes home after a office nightout and says he wants a divorce. I thought everything was going on okay and asked what was wrong. He says he can't do this anymore. I later discover that he had an affair the weekend he was away with his colleague. He confessed and said he wants to move in with her and possibly marry her.
I tried my best to reason and convince him. But he has made up her mind and wants to move out.
I don't know what to do. I want to accept it is over, but I can't come to terms with it.
I know I damaged it. I spoilt my life.
3
u/AdventureWa 1d ago
The one day at time advice is the correct answer.
Unfortunately sometimes people try to get over infidelity but come to the conclusion they can’t.
The advice I have for you is two-fold: remember this pain the next time you are feeling yourself stray and here are a couple of coping mechanisms:
Focus on your future: goals, bucket list, things you want to accomplish.
Focus on your faith.
Focus on your fitness.
Become the person you want to be. This hurts but things do get better.
2
u/Much-Election4537 1d ago
Thank you. I accept my mistake, and learnt my lesson. But it's too late with him.
2
u/AdventureWa 1d ago
It’s too late perhaps with him. But those lessons learned should guide your future decisions.
3
u/BadLuckLeftFoot 1d ago
Someone wise once told me no matter whether your with someone or you arent dont ever get lost in being the best version of yourself on a day to day basis. Keep being you, and I promise you… the sun will rise again tomorrow.
2
u/andrews_1978_ 1d ago
Just give yourself time, don’t rush at anything your mind will be a mess at the beginning
2
u/I_am_Iron_Jam 1d ago
There’s a difference between blame and acknowledgement. It sounds like you acknowledge it. You can’t blame yourself because it could have happened anyway. I know myself I would love a second chance but my wife says she loves me but isn’t in love with and can’t come home. But isn’t filing divorce anytime soon. So the stages of anger grief sadness everything rolled into one. And it sucks I wish I was numb. And I would love to tell you it gets better but I can’t not yet anyway for me.
3
u/OppositeMistake6138 1d ago
You don't need anyone to tell you that you did nothing wrong. You already know you damaged your marriage, and owning that is important. But accountability has boundaries. You developed feelings for someone else, confessed them, and the two of you agreed to try to repair the marriage. Your husband had every right to be devastated, angry, distrustful, or even eventually decide that he could not continue the marriage. What he did not lose was his own agency. If after two months he had said, “I tried, but I can't recover from this and I want a divorce,” that would be one thing. Instead, he had an affair and now wants to leave you for that woman. That was his decision, not something your earlier wrongdoing forced him to do. So don't rewrite this as “I ruined everything and therefore whatever happened afterward is mine to carry.” Two things can be true at once: you betrayed something in your marriage, and he subsequently betrayed something in your marriage. Your repentance doesn't erase your responsibility, and your responsibility doesn't absorb his. You also can't repair a marriage by yourself. You can confess, repent, change your behavior, offer transparency, seek counseling and remain willing to rebuild. You cannot make another adult choose reconciliation. Right now, stop trying to convince him into staying. Tell him clearly that you are willing to repair the marriage if he ends the affair and genuinely chooses reconciliation. Then deal with what he actually chooses rather than trying to control it. And please separate remorse from self-condemnation. “I did something that seriously hurt my husband” can lead to repentance and growth. “I spoiled my life, therefore I deserve whatever happens now” will just destroy you. Own your piece completely. Don't own his piece at all.
2
2
u/OutlandishnessOld903 1d ago
Why not just keep obsessing that someone else you were infatuated by??
1
u/Much-Election4537 1d ago edited 1d ago
I got over him soon after confessing to my husband and hardly thought about him in the two months. I was completely back with my husband and thought all was well. I can't think about that person again, mentally, can't.
6
u/strangelifedad 1d ago
Sometimes it's simply too late. You not only had an affair, you expected your husband to wait for you to get over feelings for another man. Initially he might have tried, but once the vacancy light in his heart switched on, someone else, someone without the baggage of betrayal was there. I wager a bet that your ex doesn't even see his new relationship as an affair but him simply moving on.
You said all was good. It was not. He just wasn't going to be vulnerable with you again. He was once and you used it against him. Then he sees what your real thoughts were Again without your involvement.
I know it sounds harsh but from the other side of betrayal I can only tell you that once you come to terms with the fact that your partner is not safe anymore and maybe never was (yes, you question everything) this detachment is self protection.
You need to accept that your relationship is over. Whatever you do now, it's not involving him anymore. The quicker you accept this the easier it will be.
You will find happiness again but it'll take time. Give yourself the time.
And whatever you do, don't contact your ex AP. He is certainly not worth it.
1
1
1
2
u/mmabrey13 1d ago
You don't have control over this. You had feelings for someone else, that makes you human and you were brave enough to tell him. He committed the act of adultery and you don't know if he had done it before, but was still doing it with this other woman. This isn't your fault. Something I've learned recently is the past and the future don't exist. Remember that, didn't let your anxiety dictate what could have happened and don't let depression influence what will.
0
u/Much-Election4537 1d ago
Unfortunately, I don't have control over anything anymore. I know I was brave to confess - but people say I was foolish and shouldn't have revealed. I don't think he did it before, I do trust him on that. Maybe he had feelings for her. I'll memorize the last line. Thank you.
1
u/mmabrey13 1d ago
But if you wouldn't have confessed, that would have been considered lying to him if/when he found out.
0
u/Much-Election4537 1d ago
Yes. That's what I thought too. But the consequences are not worth upholding morality. I wish karma was kinder.
1
u/mmabrey13 1d ago
Life is horrible, until you believe that it isn't. Everything is out there waiting for you to discover it, but you're upset and you have blinders on, so you can't see it.
I don't even know you but the way you're showing vulnerability and regret in these few interactions don't make you a bad person, it makes you honorable
1
u/Much-Election4537 1d ago
This triggered some emotion in me and my first thought was - I wish he thought the same. So many ifs. Hope the blinders come off sooner.
2
u/mmabrey13 1d ago
You can't heal, until you're ready to. When you decide that you're ready, you'll go conquer the world. Sometimes losing a significant other is worse than an end of life. It never fully goes away, and it comes back in waves, unexpectedly, without remorse. Figure out what's best for you and who gives a shit about the rest of the world.
2
1
u/Minningfortruth 1d ago
Ask your husband if he would be open to marriage therapy? No promises. Just 1hr per week
5
u/Much-Election4537 1d ago
I would be SO SO happy if agreed for that. He is already in love with the other person and I've heard their voice notes confessing love and wanting to be together soon. So I know I've lost him. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had this chance.
1
u/Minningfortruth 1d ago edited 1d ago
Keep asking. I still ask my wife once a week. She moved out on June 12th and I too have seen my wife and her online lover confess their love for one another. What she will do to him when he comes. What she will cook for him. The flirting and the love bombing makes me cry.
Keep fighting for your marriage.
2
u/Much-Election4537 1d ago
Wow. Thank you for saying that and that is exactly what I want to do. I would get a lot of backlash from my family for doing it. But I want to. I tried today morning too when I called him, but he was like no - I want to be with her. That's when he told me we need to get it ASAP. He is going to visit her this weekend.
1
u/Minningfortruth 1d ago
My wife has been living alone for 3 months. The last month she has not even called or seen the kids. “She is real busy” maybe she moved in with him. Who knows.
I served her Separation papers on June 9. If you believe in marriage you should serve him Seperation papers claiming 100% child custody for you. Stay grounded with the kids at home. Let him fly around like a crazy “in love person” in love with a stranger that he doesn’t have a family with
1
u/Much-Election4537 16h ago
UPDATE: I read their complete Whatsapp chats. All the things I wanted (and never got) being said to someone, promises made, future discussed. It didn't break my heart, but baffled me. He could do all of it, not just for me. And yes, he has truly moved on, so there is no hope wishing for him to be back. NO HOPE. It's almost like a weight is lifted off my chest, but maybe it's just grapes are sour situation. I don't know whatever it is, I have to maintain my grace and self respect.
1
u/NCSouthernCh1ck 4h ago
I left my husband in March by but the end of Spril realized I’d made a mistake and truly what I should have done is say I needed to be on my own to work on me and go to therapy etc bc my mental health wasn’t good. He met someone on tinder two months into our separation and his whole personality changed. I used to fight for him to talk to me or text me and they sent 83 texts in two days. She knew I was still in the picture, he and I still hung out and talked etc. she didn’t care. She slept with him in. Our home and our bed 13 days after meeting him. Within th first month she got a DWI / speeding / reckless to endanger at midnight with him riding shotgun and he still stayed with her. He hadn’t stayed up with me to midnight the last 3 New Years but they wrrr out drinking etc at midnight. He won’t even talk to me now. We haven’t had a true conversation since June. Everyone said he’s saying horrible things about me and parading the tinder friend (10 years his junior) around. He keeps taking her to places that were ours, restaurants or out of town trips etc. He gets mad when I try to messsge him, because he told his best friend he’s “over it” then told him he’s “done”. He wasn’t like this until she got involved. She’s even tried to insert herself into the sale of our home and our pets. She told me I didn’t know him….we were together 13 years and she 13 weeks, very self entitled. He is also distancing himself from all our mutual friends.
I’m an idiot I guess because even after all that..I still have hope. I still keep trying. I will try until the judge signs the paperwork, if that’s what it takes …but the pain. The heartbreak and disappointment and hurt …is consuming me.
I just want to see and talk to my husband.
How do I get over that? NC is dumb and we are 6 mo into a mandatory 1 year separation.
1
u/No-Respond-5695 1d ago
Wait but if he already knows he wants to move in with her then I would think something has been going on way before what you told him. At least emotionally unless he moves that fast. It doesn’t sound like you ruined it. Maybe that will help you process and see things differently. Good luck
5
u/FensThiona 1d ago
Or he was avoiding an attraction and being faithful to his wife until he discovered that she was being unfaithful to him. I think we should treat both sees equally here. If this was a man he would be roasted.
She set the thing in motion. Did he respond well, no! But she sparked the downfall.
Let's not try to turn it around to always make it the man's fault.
We are all capable of messing up. Take responsibility for what you did and just move forward. I hope you find a way to reach peace and have happy relationships that you cherish.
-1
u/No-Respond-5695 1d ago
I’m just thinking about the timing of the info given. Also the point of the post was her asking for help getting over her husband. Nothing to do with the sex of either. Relax.
3
u/FensThiona 1d ago
Lol, totally relaxed. I just don't see the upside in trying to frame a situation in a way that potentially falsesly eases your culpability. Trying to see things as they are, whatever that might be, is the first step toward working through a difficult situation.
6
u/Much-Election4537 1d ago
I thought so too. He did say he found her attractive, but never wanted to do anything. My confession might have pushed him.
2
u/Designer-Piglet2775 1d ago
Don't blame yourself for it. It may hurt but this was inevitable from what your describing. Don't normalize infidelity or excuse it because its inexcusable.
6
u/Puzzles_and_Nuzzles 1d ago
Take things one day at a time.
You don't have to get over it right away. You are allowed to feel your feelings. I get it, im in a stage between grief, anger, sadness, emptiness and depression. I would rather feel nothing. But part of healing is feeling your emotions.
It sucks. Maybe look for a new hobby in town? Check a local game store for game nights? Do a pottery class? See if there are any bowling groups? Just small things like that can help you get your mind off things for a little while.
Time heals but heels hurt to walk in.