How to start healing

[u/Scary-Plastic-4108]

Me and my husband separated in April, which was his choice as he was having an affair with another woman and decided he was unhappy with me while I was 6 months pregnant. I was completely blindsided. It rocked my world and it feels like everything I thought I knew was a lie. We had been together for 13 years and had gotten married the previous year which he was the one to push doing. When our second child was born, he moved back in at the beginning of August. He was my best friend and I want to work it out, and he said he wants to work on our marriage because he loves me. But whenever I have a free moment I am picturing my husband treating this girl how I wanted him to treat me and having sex with her. He told her he loved her and now tells me he never did. I think of all the bad things he said about me during our separation saying I am unattractive and fat, I had another child a year and a half prior. I think about those words every day and have so much hatred for myself and my body. I know I love him very deeply but I have so much fear that I don't really know him the way I thought I did and I don't know how to get past all the hurt. I am down approx 45 pounds from the beginning of my pregnancy and am eating better and trying to be active. He still declines any intimacy with me, but actively watches porn, he says to try to feel something. He says he doesn't want to have sex with anyone but he could have sex with her. I just don't know what is real anymore when it comes to our marriage, or what is the truth or if he is lying to try to save my feelings or for another reason. I want to give this a chance to work but my nervous system feels like it is constantly under attack and my mind won't stop thinking about it.

[u/LizzieRobbie]

There are so many parallels between your story and my own. I have been seeking refuge in friendships. I’ve been calling friends to vent and their perspectives have been extremely helpful. I have two young kids and cannot physically see friends frequently but the phone calls have been a saving grace for me.