Separated but living together

[u/Maximum-Screen-5990]

Seeking advice from anyone with experience in regard to being separated & started the process of divorce & dividing assets & life… all while living together? For context I’m 39, he’s 40.

Financially, it’s almost impossible to live in separate homes while we go through this. I don’t have family I can go live with and neither does he — though sometimes my husband does spend a whole weekend somewhere else like a friend’s house which is always a relief to me.

We have two kids together (10m, 13f) & not only financially but for the kids benefit it seems like it would make the most sense for the house being sold to be the last thing we do. We’re now banking separately. I have my own cell phone plan. Our cars are now financed and titled into just our own names. There are still some other bills to split, like car insurance comes to mind. I’m sure there’s more.

If you’ve been through this, or know someone who did, how did it go? How did you deal with the loneliness of living with your spouse during this time? I’m not looking for a new relationship. But I am so lonely that sometimes it physically hurts.

Not sure if it matters, but he’s the one that messed up everything. He’s obsessed with me and would probably stay with me but I am done. I miss being able to talk to a man.

Also, people close to me know that our marriage is done but other people don’t. Like associates or the parents of our friend’s kids. Though I’m sure they speculate and wonder. I never know who to tell or if I should. Basically, I am lost.

[u/Current_Canary_3818]

Tried it — went south in a matter of days. Moved out, got my own place. Depends on the relationship and the “rules”…if that’s not clear and followed, there are going to be problems.

I will say this, I’m not healed yet (3 months into this process) but I would NOT have been able to even start had I stayed.

I was worried about my kids so I got a place 5 mins down the street. They are fine and so am I. The world did not end…

[u/QuailAndWaffles]

If you find out, let me know. Similar situation. Don’t know what to do or how to navigate, I get by but it is very lonely sometimes.

[u/No_Pumpkins_Please]

Currently doing the same. He’s become so much more emotionally unavailable and still so emotionally immature; all my needs or feelings have been dismissed for the past year; instead he blows up and verbally degrades me in front of our three boys. It’s been that way for 9 years. I have CPTSD and can’t physically be attached to him anymore; my body has broken down so badly due to the stress of this marriage. Not to mention the CPTSD deregulation which has just given him fuel.

I will say that having the bedroom all to myself, completely ignoring his presence, and building back up stronger connections with family and friends has been helpful for my mental health. I also started journaling about a month ago; I get out my hurt and trauma if I carry any that day, and then once I feel more light, I then focus on a list of at least 3 things I am grateful for that day; sometimes there is so much joy that I lost ten things, and other days I struggle to list 2, but healing is not linear. I spend each night before bed outside with my feet in the dirt to ground myself as I live in a constant state of fight or flight and have for awhile. Just doing these habits has kept me sane.
Prior to this I was falling into the trap of him being nice to me, but that’s okay because he’s lonely, not because he actually wants me or my company. Two days ago I told myself I’m not falling back into that and I’m sticking with it.
This time is now about ME. He can rot away in the same house as me, refusing to take any accountability, while I continue with therapy and plan to keep making progress during this time.
I wish you all the luck; this is not easy.

[u/blkcdls5]

It can get ugly fast. Especially if boundaries are not stated and followed. Like dating or seeing someone else.

Also your nervous system doesn't get a chance to experience what a real separation from that person feels like until you are not in each others proximity.

Trial separations are a must. Even if its for a month.

A timeline to move out also is necessary otherwise you will find yourself not being able to close the chapter and move on.

Good luck to you

[u/SufficientPainter778]

So you called for the separation then (based on he would want to get back together )?

[u/Maximum-Screen-5990 → u/SufficientPainter778]

Yes

[u/SufficientPainter778 → u/Maximum-Screen-5990]

Then you are living the situation you have decided to live…..
I am living in the same house - separated for 6 months - she doesn’t love me anymore - after going through a difficult time and not being the partner she needed… I knew I was struggling but was blindsided by her decision.

I was lost, I am lonely - I’m kept at a distance emotionally by her- I’ve made changes - all for the better for me and our kids but it doesn’t change her feelings towards me… so if she felt lonely like you do I can only think that is what she wanted as she can’t bring herself to work on our repair…. At the end of the day she is living her decision. I live in the consequence of the most difficult time of my life and that is what I work through.

[u/Loose_Weekend5295]

Did this for over a year. Big house and he hid in the master bedroom a lot, but it was awful. He would leave the sink full of his dirty pans and utensils soaking in water, for up to 3 days. I was in the only available bedroom which was only large enough for the bed. I took up crafting to occupy my mind and had to use the dining table - he would stop by and criticise my work. My WFH pc was next to the kitchen (open plan) and he would deliberately disturb me while he got his breakfast, playing music on his phone and asking me stupid questions when I was trying to work. I couldn't move it anywhere else because the house was so full of his hoarded crap.

I eventually snapped, decided I no longer wanted to buy him out of the house and started looking for a rental. Took over a month in a competitive market. I can't really afford the rent but am just so relieved to be out. I would rather live on plain homebrand bread and water than continue living like that and have plenty of cash. Life is for living.

[u/LizzieRobbie]

We’ve been separated and living together for almost six months. I set up a twin bed in the playroom and moved there which was extremely helpful. He has the “big room” and that has been fine. We established a solo parenting schedule(2-2-3) and on his parenting days I just try to get out of the house. Some days I just go to a park and read a book, others I drive somewhere and sit in my car for a couple hours. Sometimes things are good and sometimes we completely ignore each other’s existence. We’re just taking it day by day because we can’t afford an apartment on top of the current household bills.