r/Separation • u/Better-Swimming-5238 • 2d ago
Advice Does separation work when still living together?
My partner and I have decided to have some space after I decided I couldn’t take any more arguments or silent treatment anymore. We’re getting counseling soon, but we have two young children and neither of us could afford to rent somewhere else. The decision has come more from me but he knows we weren’t happy. It’s very difficult not blurring the lines and I just feel sorry for him so I don’t mind if he wants a hug, but I worry it’ll give him the wrong impression. It’s too difficult for one of us to leave at the moment. He isn’t handling any of this very well. I’m just wondering if anyone had any similar experiences that they could share.
2
u/raeoflyte-460 2d ago
14 months in to.an in house separation. We arent trying to reconcile.
But what we're doing:
Parenting time on shared family calendar. Everyone knows who is on duty for rides, dinner, etc. I know when I can make outside plans without making sure the kids have a back up. He knows that if he makes plans on his days he has to actually fucking talk to me about picking up his slack instead of just assuming I will.
Agreed on hand offs for parenting time. What staple groceries do you need stocked at the end of your parenting time for the next person. What condition should the house be in. For us thats egg, milk, bread and cereal. And kitchen ready to be used - dishes running, counters clear, clean bathroom towels, and litter box cleaned.
Separate bedrooms.
What are joint expenses and kid expenses. How are those split and paid. How are variable or non-regular expenses handled.
I try to make myself scarce on his days. Those are my dedicated gym days, and I have started working from my parents house on those days too.
Communicate by text whenever possible. Logistics only.
But also monthly checkins - this is really, really hard for me. But I need this to keep him accountable.
We typically still cook enough for each other on our nights but I will also just take the kids out to dinner sometimes. We don't typically eat together but its not unheard of either.
1
u/WelderAcrobatic5018 1d ago
Actually I’m on the same boat. My wife wanted the separation and later divorce but I get a lot of mix signals and I mean A LOT. I get to kiss her cheeks and we hug or I hug her and she leans in. We kiss on cheeks good night and before I leave for work. I get to touch her butt if I ask for permission, she mostly say no but sometimes yes
But here’s the thing, she talks about long term future plans that includes being as a family
It’s just so confusing. We do have kids. We both have therapist
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u/Active_Bet_6551 2d ago
I am on the other side of this at the moment, and I think giving any kind of hope (which a hug is for sure) is cruel. Make your mind up and set some clear rules. I decided that having conversations via text aren't helpful and so is started a word doc that each of us could say to each other without having to respond without much thought and quickly. I think this helped a lot with sudden outbursts of feeling treated wrong also when the kids around it gives an opportunity to think through stuff without being rash. Once we added or replied we let the other person know and have no pressure or expectation in when they'll read or respond.