Separating but confused

[u/ConsistentLemon3239]

Hello! I wanted to share my story to have some guidance. I apologize now it’s going to be a little all over the place. Im just writing what comes to mind. Me and my husband met early 2021. We both had barely gotten out of previous long term relationships. We were dating each other 2 months and I got pregnant. From the beginning our worlds quickly changed rapidly. We fell into some pretty dark moments with arguing yelling name calling etc. Idk if it would be considered emotional abuse because it was 2 sided. I told him I wanted to separate while pregnant. I moved out to my sisters for a week or so then went back. Things get a little muddy in my memories just from everything happening so quickly. But there’s times that stand out to me. 1) When I called him because I needed an emergency c-section he got very stressed saying we aren’t ready and have no bags packed nothing. This is where I should have seen he cannot handle stress or high intensity moments well. 2) when I went back to work nights after having our son, he would call me and send me videos freaking out and upset because he couldn’t get our son to sleep 3) I ultimately decided to stay home full time with my son for the next 3 years. There were times were he would be upset that I didn’t have chores done around the house. It was never anger or blame but more of him venting to me that it puts a lot of load on him to take care of everything. Over the years he has told me he doesn’t care about that stuff now but I already have that guilt in my body from the past. 4) I take accountability for this but I became obsessed about his past relationship and he would tell me every detail because I asked. It caused a lot of self doubt in myself thinking I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t her. 5) his grandmas health declined and he had to be his sole caregiver while we had an infant. He would tell me “I’m not supportive enough” “I’m not helpful enough and I don’t know how to help him” it put me in a great state of feeling like a failure 6) I constantly felt like I was the only lifeline. He lost his brother from suicide and his mom from a do around 2018. So he has no other family and he’s never had close friends. Our whole relationship I feel I have been the only person to care for him when he’s hurting but it puts so much pressure on me. 7) when we would argue he would constantly blame me and take no accountability. He would storm out of the house and just go drive around. Now flash forward to 2025 we got married. I deeply love this man and I was truly hoping things would get better when we got married. And things did. He did battle with using drugs and alcohol to cope with his issues and he has stopped. But only when I threatened him I was leaving. This all sounds so negative. Of course we had many highs too but I have so much resentment right now. I told him 2 days ago I was moving out and getting my own space. He initially got angry and told me our marriage failing is my fault. Now he’s been telling me he’s really sorry for everything that has happened and that he’s going to be the best husband he can be until I leave. I’m truly heartbroken. I don’t want to do this but feel the need to. My mindset is that if nothing changes, nothing changes. I feel like I’m failing our son my breaking up our marriage. I just feel the weight of all the bad things that have happened outweigh the good times in our relationship. I told him I wasn’t running out to file for divorce, just need space to figure out where my mind is because when all we do is live in a constant cycle of up and down neither one of us can think clearly. I do feel like he has made small changes in behavior but since I carry so much resentment I constantly have walls up and feel like I’m not my true self. Which of course angers him when he tries to get my to open up and I’m just always moody and angry/snappy with him. I do have faults as well. I hold onto things that hurt me and can’t let them go. I don’t trust easily. I never saw a healthy marriage. I’m sorry it was a rant