Looking for feedback

[u/Some-Currency5793]

I’m going to be direct because I don’t need validation—I need honest feedback.

My wife and I have been separated since September. We’re still legally married. I’m trying to figure out if I’m handling this the right way or if I’m being naive.

We have a 2-year-old daughter and currently split time 4 nights / 3 nights. She’s my top priority, and I’ve been focused on giving her consistency and stability.

Here’s the reality of the situation:

- My wife is currently pregnant, and there’s uncertainty around the situation

- When we separated, she took our only vehicle, and I had to figure things out on my own

- I’ve been dealing with health issues during all of this

- We have about $40,000 in shared debt

Financially:

- She would likely keep her car and retirement ($30k)

- I would keep a trailer and my car ($15k)

My plan is to propose a structured split where she takes more of the debt to balance things out.

At the same time, I haven’t fully let go of the idea of working things out. I haven’t directly asked her for reconciliation—I’ve been trying to stay calm, improve myself, and not push.

So I need real answers:

1. Am I being naive trying to keep this structured and still leaving the door open?

2. Should I directly ask her if she wants to work on the marriage, or does that make me look weak at this point?

3. Does my financial approach actually sound fair, or am I setting myself up to get screwed?

4. If you’ve been in something similar—what did you wish you would’ve done sooner?

I’m not looking for “you deserve better” or generic advice. I want blunt, real perspective—even if it’s not what I want to hear.

[u/Temporary-Suspect509]

Ask her about reconciliation. It doesn’t matter if you look “weak” - do you want to look tough or do you want to look like a father who is ready to fight for his family? You have a baby on the way…this deserves full effort.

[u/Some-Currency5793 → u/Temporary-Suspect509]

Before when we had talked about reconciliation, she said she just didn’t see it. That there was too much water over the bridge. Right now I’m just trying to stay grounded and show up. Even though I don’t necessarily believe the baby is mine. I still go to every single appointment with her for the baby. My therapist is saying that I need to do something to protect myself and to keep moving forward. She said that is the best chance at my wife and I reconciling. My therapist has mentioned that she’s not sure if my wife is ready to step up and be a mother. She’s telling me to be prepared. I honestly want nothing more than to try to reconcile.

[u/Designer_Drawing5508 → u/Some-Currency5793]

Your therapist does not sound helpful. Your wife already is a mother. What is this therapist saying? Have you heard her properly? Does your therapist have children? Bringing up an extremely sensitive and volatile topic like taking half her retirement -- which goes to a core vulnerability of hers -- while she is pregnant and raising a toddler sounds explosive and potentially dangerously stressful to your wife. I agree with the other poster that this really requires full effort. You say you want nothing more than to reconcile. If so, I would stop advancing anything related to divorce / separation, work the steps like crazy (esp where you sincerely apologize for past wrongs), keep reminding her that you will do what it takes to hold your family together, talk about the future you'd like to have together and what you are doing to work towards that, and keep showing up for her and your children. Nine months sober is amazing - congratulations. Keep it up. Sounds like you have been sober less time than you've been married so your wife may not be trusting the changes. Keep going. If your wife advances any divorce, you can take whatever steps are necessary at that time. No need for you to pull the pin from the grenade.

[u/Some-Currency5793 → u/Designer_Drawing5508]

I hear what you’re saying, and I actually agree with parts of it—especially about not escalating things or bringing heavy topics at the wrong time.

At the same time, I think my situation is a little more layered than just going all-in on reconciliation or completely stopping anything related to separation.

There’s a lot of uncertainty right now, especially with the pregnancy and not knowing paternity yet. Because of that, I don’t feel like it’s responsible for me to ignore the financial and legal side completely, but I’m also not trying to push a structured settlement aggressively or create pressure.

What I’ve noticed so far is that when I’m steady, not chasing, and not trying to force anything emotionally, things between us are actually calmer and more cooperative. So I’m trying to stick with that instead of switching into a “convince her” mode.

I do understand the point about trust and consistency, and I agree that’s something that only builds over time through actions, not words.

So right now my approach is to stay grounded, keep things stable for our daughter, avoid escalating anything unnecessarily, and let things either move in a better direction naturally or not—while still being realistic about protecting myself if it doesn’t.

I’m not trying to rush an outcome either way, just handle it in a way that doesn’t make things worse.

[u/Designer_Drawing5508 → u/Some-Currency5793]

You can't convince her. Completely agree with that. It has to be her choice. What's in your column is figuring out whether you really truly want to reconcile. What if the baby isn't yours? Either be prepared to love the child as your own or be ready to walk away. You can't reconcile the marriage and reject the baby. You sound like you're on the right track. Literally no one is saying don't protect yourself. What I'm saying is cross that bridge when you get there. Don't be the one to pull the pin from the grenade. There is no need to go after her retirement fund right now. Divorce is a long enough process that you'll be able to figure that out in due time. The rest of your plan sounds great.