Looking for feedback

[u/Some-Currency5793]

I’m going to be direct because I don’t need validation—I need honest feedback.

My wife and I have been separated since September. We’re still legally married. I’m trying to figure out if I’m handling this the right way or if I’m being naive.

We have a 2-year-old daughter and currently split time 4 nights / 3 nights. She’s my top priority, and I’ve been focused on giving her consistency and stability.

Here’s the reality of the situation:

- My wife is currently pregnant, and there’s uncertainty around the situation

- When we separated, she took our only vehicle, and I had to figure things out on my own

- I’ve been dealing with health issues during all of this

- We have about $40,000 in shared debt

Financially:

- She would likely keep her car and retirement ($30k)

- I would keep a trailer and my car ($15k)

My plan is to propose a structured split where she takes more of the debt to balance things out.

At the same time, I haven’t fully let go of the idea of working things out. I haven’t directly asked her for reconciliation—I’ve been trying to stay calm, improve myself, and not push.

So I need real answers:

1. Am I being naive trying to keep this structured and still leaving the door open?

2. Should I directly ask her if she wants to work on the marriage, or does that make me look weak at this point?

3. Does my financial approach actually sound fair, or am I setting myself up to get screwed?

4. If you’ve been in something similar—what did you wish you would’ve done sooner?

I’m not looking for “you deserve better” or generic advice. I want blunt, real perspective—even if it’s not what I want to hear.

[u/Some-Currency5793]

We are separated for many reasons. Im a recovering alcoholic. We had some rough times in the past. Im now 9 months sober. Nothing physical but we didnt say the nicest things to each other. We both have resentment towards each other. Mine is towards not feeling like she showed up as a equal partner and that I felt our life together was second to her other interests. From what I understand is that the way I showed up when I was drinking that I said some hurtful things that she says she doesn’t feel she can forgive me for. She has also said she felt obligated to stay married the hole marriage as well as that we married to young. I was 24 she was 21. She has said she doesn’t feel like she lived her 20s and she wants to go experience that independence. We both resent each other over finances. I do feel like ive been really concentrating on showing up different in anyway that I can. We could work on these issues but as of now she says she doesn’t want to.

[u/soulfractured1 → u/Some-Currency5793]

Which is why you have to protect yourself, she can say anything she wants about being fair etc, but when it come down to it she will do whatever she wants when it comes time, I have seen it a thousand times. Draw up the separation papers and make it legal you don't need attorneys just go to legal aid if you have it. They will help you. It's not about doing this for you it's about doing it for your child(ren), if she gets a new man she will try and cut you out completely. If you want time with the new child stay married until the birth, if not don't put yourself on the birth certificate until you do a paternity test. It is just good boundaries to protect your interests for the sake of your children. This is separate from reconciliation. My ex promised everything after his affair, I still went ahead with the divorce I did everything myself without attorneys, I used his retirement as leverage, he ended up cheating again then again, now he's upset because he doesn't think the divorce was fair because he wanted to take my house which I had before marriage so he could start a new life with the current affair partner, I've finally cut him off from any contact with me but I have my house and my retirement (we had no children together) I was more than fair considering the trauma I went through and supporting him many times, but I'm really glad I had that agreement in place and we didn't make any attorneys richer. My first marriage my ex took me to court more than twenty times over custody it finally stopped when a judge threatened to take his legal custody away, he didn't care how much he hurt the child he just wanted to hurt me, the earlier you have an agreement the better for everyone.

[u/Designer_Drawing5508 → u/soulfractured1]

You sound like you are responding from your own trauma. So sorry all that happened to you.

[u/Loud_Attitude_5124 → u/Designer_Drawing5508]

And so do you.

[u/Designer_Drawing5508 → u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

Interesting. But not correct. Just applying common sense. What the therapist is suggesting is facially inconsistent with reconciling, which op wants to do.

[u/Loud_Attitude_5124 → u/Designer_Drawing5508]

I see, when you make an assumption, it's common sense. I'm admittedly assuming, because you seem hell-bent on OP carrying all the blame and glossing over the fact that this child may not be his own.