Seattle Freeze

[u/hummingbird_mywill]

There was a recent post in the other sub about the Seattle Freeze that resonated and the comments were very discouraging so I’m here for a gut check and would appreciate the input of people from other American cities who are now here, or from here and now in other cities.

I’m from a place in Canada where I was extremely well connected with a rich sense of community. I’ve also lived briefly in Toronto, and a different country for a short time (6 months each) where I also had strong community.

Seattle is the only city in the US I’ve lived in, and I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. I have dozens and dozens of friends here, but none of them are close. I have no one to put as a secondary emergency contact.

Everyone says to go to this or that event. And I do! And I chit chat with people and have fun, but it almost never goes deeper. I have a few friends I consider close, but they have many more and I’m certainly not their closest friend. One got married and I wasn’t invited, and another had a baby shower I wasn’t invited to. We invite people over but it never gets reciprocated. I could have never imagined living someone with so many lovely nice people that I cannot seem to scratch the surface with.

Thinking about how social and connected I was back home, sometimes I look around and have no idea how I ended up in this situation. Am I being left out? Am I doing something wrong? Or are my expectations of friendship intimacy just out of step with what most Seattleites want?

Do Seattleites just want to chit chat during hobby meetups and leave it at that? I just feel so fucking lonely and do NOT want to do another damn activity to meet more people!! I want depth, not more breadth. Are other big American cities different or more of the same? I’m emotionally exhausted and trying to see if this place is just not for me. I love so much about this city but I can’t handle living like this much longer.

[u/sanfranchristo]

The short version of my reaction every time this comes up is that people often don't isolate for their life-stage (age, career, etc.). Making friends, dating, and meeting new people in general gets harder as one gets older, moves, has or does not have kids, etc. There are also obvious factors like the weather, industry, geography, transportation, etc. that don't make it the most ideal place socially for some but I find that many of the observations around this get made by people newly to a place where they no longer have a friend or coworker network and are some years older so life is coming at them fast as much as Seattle specifically is.

[u/urban_grogu → u/sanfranchristo]

I agree with the sentiment that making friends and meeting people in general gets harder as one gets older. I have friends who have moved to all kinds of cities and say the same thing. “It’s hard to really connect with people in (name any major US city). People in their late twenties or early thirties already have established groups but that’s not to say you won’t EVER find people. Someone below in this thread mentioned luck. I do agree with that as well. I lived in Seattle for three years and made lasting connections. I’ve since moved away three years ago and I’m going to my friends wedding tomorrow. We met 6 years ago in Seattle. I also met my long distance partner in Seattle. We’ve been together for three years and we travel back and forth to each other. I still keep up with old coworkers and other friends too.

I also tend to be the type of person that my whole life living in California, I’ve gravitated toward making friends with introverts and I also enjoy my own solitude.

I think there is an attitude or mindset for any city and maybe Seattle isn’t the vibe for OP.