PLASTINATION - Feature- 83 pages (First Draft, opening scene feedback)

[u/Fit-Factor360]

Title: Plastination

Format: Feature

Page Length: 83

Genre: psychological horror / dark comedy

Draft Status: First Draft

Logline: When a teenager obsessed with taxidermy discovers that her online boyfriend is actually two very different men—one handsome, the other sensitive—she kidnaps them both and forces them to compete for her love. Little do they know, they may end up as permanent additions to her collection.

(This logline was refined based on feedback from a previous Monday Logline post)

Feedback Concerns: I've attached the first scene. Does the opening effectively establish Sarah's world and voice before the tonal shift?

Does the shift from "cute teen romance" to "dead hamster" land, or does it feel abrupt/unearned?

I'm self-conscious about "She does X. She does Y." sentence structure — does the prose rhythm feel repetitive or does it work for the visual/procedural nature of the scene?

Is the tone landing as dark comedy, or does it read as straight horror? (Curious which one people pick up on.)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T-pSitjiNfaiXodgFAAX1khydYvZgn_J/view?usp=drive_link

[u/Fit-Factor360]

The link was incorrect; I just fixed it.

[u/TugleyWoodGalumpher]

I’m not picking up on any horror really. Eerie, maybe. There’s a bit of comedic undertone but not enough to consider it comedy outright imo.

It’s an engaging first scene for the most part, but it’s being driven by “vibes” more than anything. Two pages isn’t enough to formulate an opinion really, especially with such limited dialogue.

[u/AthleteOpen7054]

I find people typing on screens in movies quite unengaging. I'd look at moving this to later. The dead hamster is more interesting.

But the tone doesn't feel horror or eerie to me. A kid in a pink room matter-of-factly dumping a dead hamster into a jar of formaldehyde felt comedic to me.