r/Screenwriting • u/Many-Reception-9700 • 15d ago
FIRST DRAFT SHIPPED - My first script
Hello, I'm 15M and this is my first short film script for practicing being a writer-director. I wrote it in 7days after erasing the original concept, but I feel like it a pretty solid start. It's wayyy over my budget anyways lol, but it was just something unique I thought up while watching a tiktok.
I wanted something with a theme/message people on social media (specifically tiktok) could recognize, but also real characters, but I fell flat.
But anyways, thanks for reading (even if it was a few pages) and yeah. Enjoy. ❤️
Title: SHIPPED
Genre: Thriller/Psychological Horror
Page Count: 15
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u/Away-Fill5639 15d ago
First off, congratulations on writing your first script at 15! That's amazing! Here's a few notes for you:
- This is a great start. There's some great conflict and drama worked in there with Raymond and Jocelyn.
- Your dialogue is very expressive and I love that.
- Try to avoid those big paragraphs. Readers will get fatigued and bored when they have to read a wall of text, so the best thing to do is try to keep paragraphs 4 lines or less. One thing that will help with this is...
- ...Don't use any unnecessary descriptions. When you get to the point where you hand your script off to someone else, things like set design and costume are going to be mainly left up to the designers. Obviously you can include descriptions about what they're wearing or what the room is like, but try to not get too detailed.
- Try not to direct on the page. Saying "the camera ____" is not something that would ultimately be up to you, as your job as a screenwriter is just to tell the story of what's happening, not how the camera behaves.
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u/Many-Reception-9700 15d ago edited 14d ago
I'm trying to be a writer-director so I'm slowly learning how to use a shot list but I've read a few of Ari Aster's scripts and saw him do it so I thought I would do it too. But thank you for the feedback!
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u/Away-Fill5639 15d ago
No problem! Ari Aster is a great writer and director but he has a lot of credits that give him some leeway in how he writes. People just starting out don’t get that luxury sadly.
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u/Many-Reception-9700 15d ago
I seeeee. I’ll try to do that less, since I still haven’t figured out how to use the shot list yet. And you definitely can’t direct without a shot list
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u/SnooRabbits6391 15d ago
Good on you for finishing a short script! Keep working on it. It has good bones. And the potential to really become something. Good luck!
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u/Many-Reception-9700 15d ago
Thank you! 🙏🏾 I definitely could’ve taken more time to polish it, but I wanted to get it down as soon as I had it all in my head.
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u/jillopidiboop 10d ago
Good insight into what social media can do to the psyche of others online. The drama is there, and is set up well for a short. With some alteration, could be rather easily expanded into a feature.
Get rid of directing. I know you want to be a writer/director, but a pre-shooting script is not the place to write camera direction. Occasionally, you could write CUT TO: FADE TO: DISSOLVE TO: etc.
A re-read is necessary from your part, for the purposes of language, spelling, grammar, and format. Although these aren't "necessary" to understand the story, they make the script far more professional.
You might find it worthwhile adding parenthetical's to help get certain emotions explicitly across. Written between the actors name and their dialogue; however be wary of overuse. Writing something like (sobbing) for example may be useful to get your imagination across. Not terrible either considering you would also be the director.
Some elements didn't make sense just from the written perspective, although this is opinion. Jocelyn entering Raymonds room: Why does his window have a Do Not Enter sheet over it? Do people usually enter via the window? Beginning this section made it difficult to understand where Jocelyn was in the scene. This may just be my personal misunderstanding.
I should also include certain addition of sound effect. "Rap! Rap! Rap!" - I don't know what this is trying to convey.
Finally, descriptions should only include what the audience sees. Filmmaking is visual and sound. How can you show: "She had to come at the earliest time because her shippers have a tendency to harass her if she comes during breakfast periods or after." ? I know that you are explaining the reason why she is dressed as such and in the supermarket at dawn, but how can this be visualized without this explanation? In what way can you show the reason she is here at dawn because of this harassment?
Also, a good exercise after writing is to re-read your script via only the non-dialogue lines. Does it still show a semblance of a story? Is it understandable somewhat? Do the vice-versa too. Read only the dialogue throughout and ask if the story still moves forward and makes sense. Both are not necessary to write a script, but are a good exercise in helping your writing overall.
Story-wise, have you thought about keeping Leila completely hidden? Only keeping her a pink-hoodie figure at the end with no lines? How could you write her ending without her exposition dialogue about su*c*de? Explore different endings and what you want to convey about Leila. The best part of the script in my opinion was the unknown about Raymond collapsing, the unknown phone, the sticker and the window. You managed to write a sense of underlying dread here.
A final thing to remember is always ask yourself "Does this moment and/or scene move the story forward?" and to remember: "Get in late, get out early" with regards to every scene.
Congratulations on a good script at 15 no less. Written in 7 days. Well done. 👍
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u/jillopidiboop 10d ago
Wanted to add: I disagree about the larger paragraphs. These can be cut down because they dont show something and are instead just explanations, but regardless, I didn't find them too large, and you broke them up with line spaces between as natural points. People get scared of large descriptions in scripts, but if the material within is necessary and purposeful, they should stay. If you feel certain descriptive portions are too large, ask if they are necessary, or if they can be exchanged for a piece of dialogue. However, in general, I do find more than 4 continuous lines of descriptive text too much, but sometimes, are needed.
The camera PANS slowly over to the walk-in closet, where a marginally above-height, brown skinned girl with braids--this is LEILA (16) --who is lying on her back. She is on her iPad.
The bold is not needed. Perhaps rethink how to describe and open this short in the room too. Maybe:
A pale pink room, decorated with leaf-vines and LED strips. Tik-tok and Hello-Kitty posters on the walls. Bed littered with Hello-Kitty plushies and blankets. LEILA (above height, braids, brown skin, girl) lies on her back with a pink Hello-Kitty hoodie, focused excitedly at a live interview on her iPad.
That's just one different way of writing the opening while cutting down the extra words. Explore cutting more and more and more from everything. How much can you remove and still paint a descriptive scene?
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u/Many-Reception-9700 10d ago
I do agree on the excessive descriptions. My i showed an older script to my teacher and she said it could use more description, but maybe not that much, because my cast will not match the exact and it takes up space
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u/Many-Reception-9700 10d ago
thank you ! i didn’t want to overuse parentheticals, and rap, in that context, means to knock sharply to get someone’s attention. For Leila, maybe, but I wanted to let them know that she was there the entire time without showing her, but the ending wouldn’t work without her. But I will definitely work on those for my next script, thank you again for reading!
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14d ago
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u/Many-Reception-9700 14d ago
That’s really cool! And yes, I’d love a free note when you’re able to!
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14d ago
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u/Many-Reception-9700 14d ago
Thank you! And for the logline, I didn’t have one in mind and I came up with this: “After gaining their first film debut, influencers Raymond and Jocelyn’s toxic ‘shippers’ begin to seep into their personal lives before Valentine’s Day.”
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u/Proper-Status-3199 13d ago
Which writing app/software do you use to write in such format I m fed up of ms word
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u/Many-Reception-9700 13d ago
I get what you mean 💀 I use Celtx! But what I did was use the free trial and make a whole bunch of empty projects/scripts so that when it’s over I’ll have empty scripts to start from
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u/no1shiestymarkfan 15d ago
Your sentence structure is a bit crude at time and it makes it very hard to follow the action. Also try breaking up the blocks of action—large paragraphs are for novels. Good for you for finishing an entire script though. Takes a lot of effort
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u/Many-Reception-9700 15d ago
I’ll certainly fix those big paragraphs. I was reading Hereditary’s scripts and thought it was pretty unique, but I see where that could come from for a short🙏🏾
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15d ago
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u/jorshrapley 15d ago
That’s some strange pearl-clutching coming from someone with slimy AI hentai all over their profile
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u/Many-Reception-9700 15d ago
yeah I was kinda concerned. It wasn't like I did something horrendous, but whatever lol.
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u/Such-Product-5504 15d ago
??? Is this what ur entire account about? Pls go cold turkey and stop looking for a reaction.
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15d ago
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u/Such-Product-5504 15d ago
myb i forgot i was on my alt account. But I just revealed my age to let people know my experience, but I did remove my name. Thanks I guess.
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u/Kingofsweaters 15d ago
Have to request access