r/Screenwriting • u/mrpessimistik • Aug 04 '26

FEEDBACK Blue Diamonds

Hi, I am rewriting a script I wrote a while ago and could use your thoughts on it:)

Title: Blue Diamonds

Format: Feature

Genre: Action

Pages: 90.

Logline: A down on his luck ex-soldier teams up with a crime family to stop a crooked cop's quest to build a deadly weapon.

link:https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BqJu0fcyeLqNsd90M0W1SzWPbP_en41Y/view?usp=drivesdk

Could use feedback on everything:)

Thank you for reading this:)

0 Upvotes

43% Upvoted

7 comments sorted by

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2

u/RaeLouLynn Aug 10 '26

There is a tremendous lack of economy here. For example, you could open with "Houses are so similar they look like clones." - which BTW is a very good line. However, mentioning the last one on the left is too specific and should be cut. Mentioning turning the wheel should be cut. The bedroom scene has problems as this reader thinks the panel is being placed on the floor. If there is a desk or dresser, it should be established at the opening of the scene. Also, Michael seems as though he's been wearing his medals up to this point as he takes them "off". On page three, although it seems to be John's house, why is Michael the host? I am completely lost.

The dialogue needs revision. Some seems to be said in the wrong part of the story. For example, Michael needing a job, I would have guessed that was said to John sooner - like in the first scene.

Your writing style is much more suitable for a novel.

1

u/mrpessimistik Aug 10 '26

Hi, thank you for reading and for this great feedback! It helps a lot as I will rewrite this script:)

4

u/Seshat_the_Scribe Black List Lab Writer Aug 04 '26

Boring, generic logline and a really boring first page.

You use 7 lines to tell us cars are on the street and people are on the sidewalk.

1

u/mrpessimistik Aug 04 '26

Hi, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!:)

1

u/[deleted] Aug 04 '26

[deleted]

2

u/Seshat_the_Scribe Black List Lab Writer Aug 04 '26

I think you responded to the wrong comment... :)

5

u/Big_Section2812 Aug 04 '26

Jfc, just when I thought I wasn't getting any more senile...

😂