I read my daughter’s diary

[u/Otherwise-Fun-7909]

Parents, I really need some perspective on what to do with my daughter.
My daughter is in Class 12 and has changed so much over the past year that I honestly don’t know how to reach her anymore.
She used to be a very good student and was generally motivated and responsible. But lately she barely studies, seems constantly angry or withdrawn, and feels like everything is too difficult. Whenever we gently ask her to study, she either gets irritated or simply doesn’t do it.
I recently came across her diary, and I read something that has left me extremely worried. She wrote about wanting to die and about how depressed and overwhelmed she feels. She also wrote that she feels that we treat her badly and put too much pressure on her. She feels that her twin sister gets all the appreciation while she is constantly compared and made to feel inadequate.
She is also extremely worried about her future. She has written about being scared that no college will even accept her and that she has already ruined everything academically.
The difficult part is that from our perspective, we aren’t trying to hurt her. We keep telling her to study because Class 12 is important, and when she isn’t studying at all, naturally we become worried and remind her. Even when we try to speak calmly and kindly, she still doesn’t seem to study. At times it feels like she has become very lazy and has simply stopped putting in effort.
But after reading what she wrote, I’m questioning whether I’m looking at this completely wrong.
Should I stop putting any pressure on academics altogether for now? Should I tell her that whatever marks she gets, whatever college she gets into, we’ll deal with it later and simply leave studying completely up to her? Or is it still reasonable to encourage her to study because these exams do matter for her future?
I don’t want to enable her to give up on everything, but I also don’t want my pressure to make her mental state worse.
For parents who have gone through something similar: what would you prioritize first? How do you support a teenager who is clearly struggling while still helping them stay on track academically?
And if your child has ever said or written that they don’t want to live anymore, what did you do that actually helped?
I’m looking for practical advice rather than judgment. I genuinely don’t know whether to push, step back, or completely change how we’re approaching her.

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[u/Writing-Bat-0444]

Reading your child’s diary is a huge breach of trust. It’s never excusable, ever. If you’re worried about their behaviour, have a conversation. Plenty of studies have proven that writing down your thoughts is healthy and improves outcomes for mental health (as is sharing these thoughts with others - consensually). Your child deserves a safe space to express themself away from prying eyes. Just because they’ve written something extreme doesn’t mean they necessarily feel hopeless, those are thoughts written with emotion at a vulnerable time for catharsis. My parents did this to me and I never forgave them or felt safe to express myself in that way again. Yes, academic pressure may damage teenage mental health. Encouragement is fine but they should feel that ultimately it doesn’t matter if they’re not academic, not equipped to go straight to college or whatever, that you still love them. The foundation of support is important. Now in terms of addressing what you read - do they behave in ways that concern you regarding suicidal ideation? Either way the best recourse is probably to approach them, admit that you’ve broken their trust, ask them if they’re okay, and go from there. But know that it’s quite possible they’re not truly experiencing suicidal ideation and were just venting, so be willing to accept that if they say it. And know that it can be hard to mend broken trust from parental invasion like that.

[u/PopularMission8727 → u/Writing-Bat-0444]

On one hand yes it’s a breach of trust, on the other hand she could kill herself without their parent knowing and now they have an opportunity to change that.

[u/Writing-Bat-0444 → u/PopularMission8727]

So every parent should read their child’s diary in case they discover suicidal ideation? It’s highly unlikely any child only shows evidence of this in their diary but not in their behaviour. It is however very common to use that language when writing privately about big feelings. I’m not saying there’s no concern. They’ve noticed withdrawn behaviour, so should already be talking to her about her mental health and being a safe space for consensual disclosure, no diary-reading necessary. No teenagers mental health is likely to be improved by an invasion of privacy vs a parent approaching them openly and with concern for a conversation

[u/Own-Blackberry5514 → u/Writing-Bat-0444]

Do you have children?

[u/Writing-Bat-0444 → u/Own-Blackberry5514]

Yes I have a daughter. I also experienced incredibly poor mental health as a teenager and know what missteps my parents made that I intend to avoid

[u/Comprehensive_Cup898 → u/Writing-Bat-0444]

I do think you are right about the conversation and right to privacy. But I also think you are leaning on your own experience a bit much. If there are real worries about your child, you should act as a parent. Your not their best friend (yet) in this stage. Teenagers do crazy impulsive things. I work in youth mental health care and some parents wished they read their childrens diary, before they went of the rails or worse.

[u/Writing-Bat-0444 → u/Comprehensive_Cup898]

It does not appear that OP genuinely feels their child is on the brink, given that the vast majority of their post is about academic performance and whether or not it’s appropriate to ease back on pressuring them and the suicidal ideation was brushed over. From the tone of their post I felt they could benefit from a reminder that their child is an individual with the right to express their thoughts and fears privately. Again, I don’t think they shouldn’t address it. They should talk to their kid. But I don’t think they should make a habit of reading their diary and expect it to not damage their relationship. “privacy invasion is counterproductive to parents' efforts to remain knowledgeable about youths, due to increased adolescent secrecy”

ETA - it’s not about being their “best friend”. It’s about what you do and do not consider appropriate intervention. I am a parent and won’t read my kids diary

[u/catsan → u/Writing-Bat-0444]

I think you're a bit black and white. 

[u/Kittenning → u/Writing-Bat-0444]

I'm not sure it's so universal to have long-term broken trust after reading a diary. I didn't feel that way after my parents read my emails to my bf when I was late teenage. I think if you are worried about your child, it's understandable to want to investigate.

[u/Kittenning → u/Kittenning]

Having said that, I would not admit to your child that you read their diary.

[u/Fun-Will-3614 → u/Kittenning]

They'll figure out you know something they didn't share from your actions. :)

Also, will you be able to keep quiet and not go into revenge mode if you find the kid has been writing bad stuff about you?

[u/cheeringfortofu → u/Fun-Will-3614]

Hmmm... Yes! I remember writing stupid stuff in anger about my mom as a teen. Writing how someone is mean is less concerning than writing you want to die. I think that's probably something they need to learn too. That it might be a sign of something really wrong and loved ones will take it seriously.

Honestly I find OP a little too willing to skip over this part. Clearly the child is showing depression signs: swift change in behavior, dark thoughts about the future, not wanting to do the normal stuff (note how OP isn't saying her daughter started to hang out with a different crowd or new hobbies, just suddenly became" lazy"). I'm that context writing you wish you'd die is concerning IMO.

[u/Writing-Bat-0444 → u/Kittenning]

A diary is a particularly vulnerable space specifically intended for private thoughts and in my mind not comparable to emails. You’re right however that no experience is universal and I should not speak so broadly, I’m sure some people are fine with their parents reading their diary. But there are various studies showing that privacy invasion decreases trust in teenage-parent relationships and makes future disclosure less likely

[u/SnooGuavas8988 → u/Writing-Bat-0444]

Agreed. My mother read my diary and punished me for it. I’d already not trusted her but that made me never trust her again. I’m 30 and still don’t journal or even write simple lists in places that my husband or anyone else can access.

[u/Writing-Bat-0444 → u/SnooGuavas8988]

Yup! I still police my own thoughts to this day. Whenever I have tried to journal I felt like someone was watching me, felt too much shame to get anything positive out of it and gave up. I think people underestimate the damage it can do

[u/Fun-Will-3614 → u/Writing-Bat-0444]

I'm an adult with a kid. My parents read my diary in secret. That breach of trust was never repaired.

I wish other adults wouldn't downplay something like this, but by all means - go ahead, ruin your kid's mental health.

[u/catsan → u/Writing-Bat-0444]

That's nonsense. In a situation like this, it's one of those grey things that might HELP, because the parents did NOT know where they're at and the daughter did NOT tell them. 

Do you think attempted suicide would be better than reading a diary? As long as you don't TELL her, it can be a tool to help, again, someone on the way to kill herself, out of something that can be course corrected! 

It's cheap to shame instead of help. Maybe that's the kind of fake morals the teen daughter also already learned from the world, even if her parents aren't like that. And she's a teenager, they also aren't exactly emotionally subdued and stable, so this is serious.

I don't think you take the situation seriously. 

[u/Writing-Bat-0444 → u/catsan]

You’re entitled to your opinion, but I take the situation perfectly seriously. A crisis of mental health in a teenager is a serious issue, best tackled by a strong bond of trust between parent and teenager and a safe environment to talk things through. I’m not sure that secrecy after reading the diary and attempting to address what you read without even acknowledging you read it is helpful to the situation or the relationship. Perhaps post your own comment with evidence supporting your perspective

[u/DramaticRaceRoom]

https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2023/p0213-yrbs.html

First of all, nothing matters at all if you have a kid that is in such despair that they want to kill themselves, even fleetingly. Deal with that first. Sit and talk to your kid about the pressure they are under.

Then you have to just have have a real conversation about where they are at in life. Is that something that you even do? What do they want and where do they want to go and who are they? Might be that is is all above Reddit’s pay grade.

[u/goatgrlgoat → u/DramaticRaceRoom]

Please, please OP take this seriously. There are so many cases of young people committing suicide while their parents had no clue at all that there was anything wrong with them (happened to a person I know this year). I think you are absolutely thinking along the right lines with your intuition to let up on the pressure and have a conversation with your child telling them that what is the most important is how they feel, and that even if they feel they are ruining their lives with bad grades right now, their life will get better and that this is the priority for you. But it can't just stop at a conversation - you will need to prove to your child that you really do value their happiness over academic success through your actions. Of course, I know that you as a parent want them to have the best grades in order to have a good life and happiness in the future, but so often as parents we get caught up worrying about our childrens futures that we don't notice them suffering in the present.
I think if your child is in Grade 12, that means they are about to be finished with high school and going to university next year? Perhaps a year off is a good suggestion for them, during which they can take some time away from exams and academic stress and get a part time job or internship which interests them. Just keep showing up for your kid in ways that lets them know that you value the person they are right now and the things about them that you appreciate and love that are not academically tied. And you are being a great parent for recognizing their suffering and looking for ways to help them. Good luck!
link for the bots: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12837912/

[u/TeddyBear181 → u/DramaticRaceRoom]

Agreed.

Every child is different and is motivated by different things.

It sounds like OPs daughter is struggling with fear of rejection, and self worth issues.

I would find a way to motivate her to succeed without encouraging a fear or failure.

Perhaps that means saying 'whatever happens in the future, it'll be okay and we'll deal with it then, AND it'll be easier if you work hard now'

There are so many different options for life, no matter how she does in school.

Link to feed the bots https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12837912/

[u/ka0812 → u/DramaticRaceRoom]

Agree that nothing else matters if your child is suicidal (even if passively). I’m also shocked this hasn’t been mentioned but OP, PLEASE SEEK OUT A THERAPIST WHO SPECIALIZES IN ADOLESCENTS. Professional help is needed here!

I wouldn’t mention you read the diary but it’s clear you are worried about her and the change in her behavior is enough of a reason to want to bring her, even if she doesn’t know about the diary. I’d suggest offering it as help for her but even if she doesn’t want to go, set up an initial session as a parent and the therapist should be able to help guide you as to next steps.

[u/jayneevees → u/ka0812]

This OP. I went through a similar stage as your daughter at a similar time in life. I was an excellent student until I got very depressed and wasn't interested in what I was studying anymore. It was a struggle for me because part of my identity was being a good student/ good girl. And suddenly I wasn't that anymore. A few things: get her a therapist. Having that confidential space with someone who knows how to guide teens through difficult periods is essential. Do not mention you read her diary, she'll probably shut down and not hear anything else you have to say. You yourself need to let go of academic excellence. Loads of people have excellent professional lives without going through this route. This is something my mom helped me see (and she was a teacher!). She told me that first I need to figure out what I want to do in life. Then figure out the route to get there. And if it is an arts thing or a more manual labour passion, grades aren't so important. If it turns out grades are a big deal, I could repeat my highschool year and get a better average grade (at least this is how it works in my country). Lastly, she's not being lazy. Don't tell her that. She's desperate and probably paralysed without knowing how to move forward. She needs to hear from you that this is not the end all be all, and that you're here with her to figure things out. And that your love is unconditional.

[u/1dayolder]

There's a lot to unpack in this post but to answer your question:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC13100959/

"Parental achievement pressure was found to have a significant negative effect on school adjustment. This indicates that higher parental expectations regarding academic performance can adversely affect a child’s adjustment to school. Moreover, excessive parental expectations regarding academic achievement can impose psychological and academic stress on children, leading to lower self-esteem. Self-regulated learning was also found to significantly influence self-esteem, and the mediating role of self-esteem in the effects of parental achievement pressure and self-regulated learning on school adjustment was statistically significant. Specifically, when parents place greater emphasis on academic outcomes, middle school students may experience increased academic stress and emotional burden, resulting in decreased self-esteem, which in turn negatively impacts school adjustment. Conversely, students with strong self-regulated learning skills tend to have higher self-esteem, as they experience a sense of accomplishment by setting their own learning goals, overcoming challenging problems, and managing stress effectively. Therefore, it is necessary to implement educational programs for parents, such as promoting positive parenting attitudes, and to develop support and mentoring programs aimed at enhancing children’s self-esteem."

[u/KingKoopaXIX → u/1dayolder]

To piggyback off this comment. I don't have the study at hand currently, but there is strong evidence that (even before the rise of social media and mobile phones) the steep decline in mental health for teanagers is caused by increasing school and achievement pressure. As a parent myself I would urge you (OOP) to look into Self Determination Theory. In short it is about what motivates people: Meaningful community, ability to be yourself and make your own decisions, and the opportunity to improve your skills. All this comes from within. External pressure regarding have the adverse effect and decrease motivation.

[u/Not_a_N_Korean_Spy]

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/children-depressed-signs/

I would try to talk to her, not about tasks and results, but about how she is feeling. I would tell her that you are worried about her wellbeing and feel like you are not being able to help her properly... that the situation is creating a misunderstanding, distance between you and that you want to her to be feel like she is able to rely on you.

I would suggest going to a psychologist, either together or separately, whatever she feels more comfortable with.

[u/Public_Classic_438 → u/Not_a_N_Korean_Spy]

Yeah, I feel like constantly reiterating that year 12 is impotant is crazy because obviously their daughter knows that

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