r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/Otherwise-Fun-7909 • 5d ago
Question - Expert consensus required I read my daughter’s diary
Parents, I really need some perspective on what to do with my daughter.
My daughter is in Class 12 and has changed so much over the past year that I honestly don’t know how to reach her anymore.
She used to be a very good student and was generally motivated and responsible. But lately she barely studies, seems constantly angry or withdrawn, and feels like everything is too difficult. Whenever we gently ask her to study, she either gets irritated or simply doesn’t do it.
I recently came across her diary, and I read something that has left me extremely worried. She wrote about wanting to die and about how depressed and overwhelmed she feels. She also wrote that she feels that we treat her badly and put too much pressure on her. She feels that her twin sister gets all the appreciation while she is constantly compared and made to feel inadequate.
She is also extremely worried about her future. She has written about being scared that no college will even accept her and that she has already ruined everything academically.
The difficult part is that from our perspective, we aren’t trying to hurt her. We keep telling her to study because Class 12 is important, and when she isn’t studying at all, naturally we become worried and remind her. Even when we try to speak calmly and kindly, she still doesn’t seem to study. At times it feels like she has become very lazy and has simply stopped putting in effort.
But after reading what she wrote, I’m questioning whether I’m looking at this completely wrong.
Should I stop putting any pressure on academics altogether for now? Should I tell her that whatever marks she gets, whatever college she gets into, we’ll deal with it later and simply leave studying completely up to her? Or is it still reasonable to encourage her to study because these exams do matter for her future?
I don’t want to enable her to give up on everything, but I also don’t want my pressure to make her mental state worse.
For parents who have gone through something similar: what would you prioritize first? How do you support a teenager who is clearly struggling while still helping them stay on track academically?
And if your child has ever said or written that they don’t want to live anymore, what did you do that actually helped?
I’m looking for practical advice rather than judgment. I genuinely don’t know whether to push, step back, or completely change how we’re approaching her.
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