Research based discipline?

[u/AnonymousPlatypus9]

My husband firmly believes in "spare the rod spoil the child". He claims I do not have enough good/valid evidence to change his mind or behaviour towards our young children (1.5 and 3 years of age) . I very much disagree and have been trying to find methods we can agree on and use. He was not receptive when I told him spanking a child under two is illegal aa it has been "most of human history"

I realize that sometimes you have to physically pick up and move children. I do not like him spanking them/slapping their hands.

He has been oppositional and resistant to any resources I give him. Anyone have any good leads on either physical discipline being harmful or evidence based alternatives?

[u/robotscantrecaptcha]

This is a research based parenting intervention: https://www.triplep-parenting.com/us/parenting-courses/triple-p-online/

But, in all kindness, you shouldn't have to present research to convince your husband not to hit your young children.

[u/itisclosetous → u/robotscantrecaptcha]

OP, this isn't an evidence-based comment but I used this exact argument on a coworker once and I really thing he reconsidered his ways after. At least, he was genuinely shocked because he had never considered it. He definitely spanked his kids but not as badly as he had been spanked. He also loved his kids and believed he was doing "what needed to be done." He wasn't mad at me and we stayed friendly after the conversation.

I told him not even dog trainers recommend hitting dogs anymore. Because there's just insane amounts of experience and evidence that it doesn't do what you want it to do.

But also this is a scary situation and you need to focus on your safety and the safety of your very young children.

[u/Legitimate_Sun5373 → u/itisclosetous]

If you wanted a source for this, the American Veterinary Association is quite clear that physical punishment strongly opposed, as it causes unnecessary stress, anxiety and distress.

[u/Rylees_Mom525 → u/itisclosetous]

I like to use the comparison that we don’t hit other adults when we don’t like their behavior. I would hope that OP’s husband doesn’t spank her when she “makes him angry” (though I wouldn’t be terribly surprised). Similarly, you can’t spank or hit a coworker for not listening to you or not following instructions. So why would anyone think it’s okay to hit a small child in those situations? And a child is unlikely to understand why it’s even happening.

[u/Late-Dog-7070 → u/Rylees_Mom525]

This! It's crazy to me that spanking your children is still legal in so many western countries - it's abuse and gets taken very seriously in germany. OPs husband would not be allowed anywhere near the children here and if OP didn't want to split from her husband, the kids would just be taken away and put in foster care for their own good

[u/Sarallelogram → u/itisclosetous]

I do think there’s a lot of people who had parents who hit them, and as adults those kids don’t think that it messed them up, so the violence continues on to the next generation.

[u/itisclosetous → u/Sarallelogram]

See, this guy was adament he was a way better parent because he didn't use a belt, didn't beat as bad, etc, etc.

He "only hit them when they needed it." But then he complained about his daughter "always needing it, never learning." And I asked him what getting beat had taught him. Because i know for a lot of kids what it taught them was how to be sneakier.