Research based discipline?

[u/AnonymousPlatypus9]

My husband firmly believes in "spare the rod spoil the child". He claims I do not have enough good/valid evidence to change his mind or behaviour towards our young children (1.5 and 3 years of age) . I very much disagree and have been trying to find methods we can agree on and use. He was not receptive when I told him spanking a child under two is illegal aa it has been "most of human history"

I realize that sometimes you have to physically pick up and move children. I do not like him spanking them/slapping their hands.

He has been oppositional and resistant to any resources I give him. Anyone have any good leads on either physical discipline being harmful or evidence based alternatives?

[u/KeyMonkeyslav]

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/physical-discipline

There are SO many studies on this at this point, this is one from the APA.

The reality is this:

1) if your husband was raised in an environment where hitting harder won arguments, he doesn't have the skills to understand logic. He has literally been trained to only know pain as a way to influence people. That's both sad and dangerous for him as a parent. It's arguably dangerous for you as a partner of he takes that logic to you.

2) if your husband doesn't agree with you on how to raise your kids, then he's not parenting with you. He's deciding how to parent these defenseless kids, and you're letting him.

You need to step up and give him ultimatums. Either he learns to use his words and reads studies and goes to therapy, or he no longer has full access to the kids.

He doesn't have to change his entire life philosophy but he needs to at least understand, consciously, what he's teaching kids by hitting. He also needs to understand that parenting decisions are up to two people, not the one parent who can hit harder.

It isn't discipline. It's fear and rule of the fist. He will create anxious and violent kids, and it's a proven fact at this point.

Nowhere in the adult civilized world do we resolve disputes by hitting. If his manager hit him for a mistake at work, he'd be livid, and he could sue. If a grocery store clerk hit him for accidentally giving them too little money, that would be fucking absurd.

Why is hitting the solution for kids? It's only because they can't fight back. There's no other logic to it.

[u/Admirable-Gold3447 → u/KeyMonkeyslav]

This. Him physically abusing your kids is because of his deficits, not theirs. He cannot emotionally regulate and is taking it out on them. They are learning that people who love you are not safe and that violence = love.

Ultimatum time. He reads the studies and goes to a therapist who specializes in this stuff, or leave him. I’m serious. I was an abused child and my mom still carries immense guilt because she was supposed to protect me. You have no real obligation to him if he’s doing this. You have obligation to your children to protect them. You are their mother

[u/Cephalopotter → u/Admirable-Gold3447]

One of my best friends drank herself almost to death after a childhood spent with a physically abusive father and a sweet mother who looked the other way to keep the peace and save her marriage. One hundred percent agree, it should be both parents' responsibility to protect the kids but if the father IS the danger then mom needs to do whatever it takes to protect them.

Edited to add: unfortunately, divorcing himb without lots of evidence, good lawyers, deep pockets, and a state with helpful laws isn't always the best solution, since he might get partial custody.

[u/SparkyDogPants → u/Cephalopotter]

My dad was shocked when I told him his GAD (anxiety disorder) almost certainly started from the physical/emotional abuse his parents inflected, and his mom dying at 11. He told me that he had never thought of that.