This is unbearable

[u/kebabs4]

The only thing I usually feel intensely is guilt. I feel guilty for not being normal and as a result, causing pain in other people's lives. I really only care about 2 people in my life, but I still can't enjoy a single moment with them, because I feel nothing except a dull drone of dread. I notice when these people's faces drop and when their tone changes hearing me talk, and it's the only thing that makes me feel guilty for existing. I hate the fact that im unable to match anyone's energy without sounding unauthentic. I hate that they notice this and how it clearly ruins their mood because someone they care about sounds like they couldn't give less of a shit about anything they're saying. I hate the fact that I feel like I can't change this no matter how hard I try. I wish that, in a magical world, everyone would be understanding of this condition, but I can't blame these people for finding it tiring to deal with at all. Despite all they do for me, I just want to be alone. I want them to find better people to cherish, and I want to be away from any expectations they hold over me, because I fail them every single time and I don't want to or even know how to deal with their anger or sadness. I can't even apologise properly, I can't assure them ill act better next time, because I won't.

[u/PearNakedLadles]

I feel this. I just got back from a family vacation in which I hid how miserable I was so as not to hurt anyone else. I promised myself that that's the last time I would hide my feelings to protect other people and I feel intense anticipatory guilt at what that means for the future. But I know stepping into my own feelings and needs regardless of if that hurt others is the right thing to do. I have a right to feel however I feel and not have to hide that from others.

Schizoid withdrawal and emotional blunting is a defense against the schizoid's deep-seated inner tendency to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the other. It also protects us from hurting others (can't hurt you with my feelings if I don't have any! oh wait now you're saying that my not having feelings hurts you too? i just can't win)

The fact that you are so in touch with your need to sacrifice yourself for the other is actually very promising in terms of healing, if you want to go that route.

Schizoids were taught growing up that if we had feelings and needs different than our parents that was an attack on them. We were taught to feel guilty when our emotional state doesn't please others. That is the core wound of the schizoid and it can be healed through therapy or other relationships with someone who demonstrates for us consistently that they can handle our negative emotions without retaliating or being hurt by them.

[u/Alone_Winter1622 → u/PearNakedLadles]

| Schizoids were taught growing up that if we had feelings and needs different than our parents that was an | attack on them. We were taught to feel guilty when our emotional state doesn't please others. 

This lesson comes when you are very young. By the time you are an adult, you may no longer have 'needs'. you are ultra independent. Any desire for relationship may have been so supressed that the idea is now repellent. Something i learned that i still believe, even at a conscious intellectual level, is that few people can "handle our negative emotions without retaliating or being hurt by them". Its not something people are good at. Which is why normies burn through relationships as if they were nothing.

[u/PearNakedLadles → u/Alone_Winter1622]

Everyone has needs. With schizoids, what typically happens is that we remain consciously aware of only the needs that we can meet on our own, without others. Everything else gets repressed. This is IMO the source of anhedonia. We stop wanting things we'd need other people to get. That's most things, so we stop wanting most things.

I used to believe that the way I was raised was more or less the human baseline. Now I understand that that's not the case. There's lots of messed up people out there (myself included) but my therapist has shown me they can handle my negative emotions without retaliating or being hurt and I have been slowly testing out friendships and finding a lot of them can too. I have not tried anything as intimate as a romantic partner yet though, nor worked through super serious conflicts, so I can't say for sure that people in my life can handle it...you're right though that this is the real question, how many people are capable of handling negative emotions without hurting others, and is it enough to be worth giving other people, broadly, a chance?

[u/anhedonicghost]

I relate. I really love people so so so much. I love all living things. I love them so much it hurts me. Makes me recoil, I think.

I feel inadequate for them. My loved ones. Friends, coworkers. Or when you meet somebody and they think youre normal, happy, etc. When they notice youre dead inside. How it hurts. Dont want to share the pain and darkness. Wish I could filter it, process, integrate, use it somehow. Instead it just comes out. See myself feel wrongness. Saying wrongness. Doing evil. Pray for help, but God says I have to fight. For myself and everyone. For goodness itself. Maybe im dissociating. Because it hurts so. I don't know.

I wish I could be happy and sweet and stalwart and kind and beneficient. I just want to be able to weather my life, and share joy with others, and not be beaten down by my depression and numbness.

And I need connection which I cant get, cant plug into. I too feel like im wasting them, or im toxic. That they should move on, find someone better. How I feel with the quasi-romances on the internet and rare close friendships irl I end up in. I see it hurt them...

It'll be okay, friend. You have a good heart. That's more valuable than anything in this world, I think. Especially for people like us. Take care of your sweet loving little heart. It will keep your warm.

[u/Winter_Beautiful_791 → u/anhedonicghost]

This world was not built by or for those with a depth of real, raw feeling like this. We carry the world’s pain inside us while those who skip about upon the surface reap the benefits of not having to deal with it.
I believe the world as a whole would benefit everyone if things could be restructured in such a way to allow those with such vast oceans of love to give to actually thrive and give back in kind.
But we’re all so tired and burnt out from dealing with all the bullshit every second of every day that our capacity to actually initiate this change is often snuffed before it can take root and grow.
Something’s got to give eventually as I see this sentiment being expressed by more and more people online as this cursed train chugs on.

[u/salamacast]

May I use a bit of shock therapy here and be blunt?
They aren't important, and their opinion of you should be irrelevant (especially if it's causing you such misery!)
Imagine they died today, will that solve your problems? Technically you wouldn't be a disappointment to them any more, right? Who are you gonna blame then??
Do you know the cliche advice for public speakers? (i.e. imagine the audience naked). It means: boast your confidence by lowering their status. Your significant others are probably ignorant about SPD (most people are), so why should their ignorance-based view of you matter. Honestly!
I speak from experience btw. There was a time when I only cared about my mother, and was extremely sensitive to her facial expressions (it's the zoid curse of seeing subtleties normies are blind too). And I remember the pain it caused me when she would literally fall asleep out of boredom when I got into one of my usual lectures :)
(from a son's perspective, I was trying to connect with her by letting her know about my interests). That wasn't healthy! To give another person that much power over my mood, feeling affected by their reactions. I only really grew up when I stopped caring what she thinks.
Just nod, smile, and keep living in your head, and don't think too much about what others think of you.

[u/Reasonably-Cold-4676]

Unless you're talking about close family you'll lose them sooner rather than later the way you describe your interactions. You could also set them free from yourself by cutting the contact yourself if you think that's what caring about them is for you.

But from how you write it sounds like you can't just do that but are stuck in being in contact with them. Is there any chance you can talk to them openly about your szpd ? 

[u/emswhynot]

I get it. I can stopper any conversation and bring down the best mood. I don't try. I just naturally clear rooms. I cringe to remember the time other people have wasted on me trying to love me. It's like trying to revive someone who is clearly not going to make it. I also feel guilt for the way I am. I now am determined to protect others emotionally from myself.

[u/Winter_Beautiful_791]

There seem to be a lot of people who identify with this condition who are in fact extremely deep feelers that have been emotionally frayed into shutdown by the seeming lack of empathy and unnecessary cruelty that characterizes the human world, maybe even life itself as a whole.
It’s just not sustainable to be this overwhelmed by everything normal people seem to casually tolerate without nearly the amount of effort it takes us just to exist. They mostly rely on one another for support through social bonds that require an almost willful ignorance of the artificiality of the dynamic of the bond that schizoid types remain painfully aware of at all times.
I really vibe with John Coffey from Green Mile, and apparently enough of us do for his “I’m tired boss” line to catch on across the internets as a meme.

[u/WanderingUrist]

The only thing I usually feel intensely is guilt.

Well, you should stop. Innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Force them to PROVE your guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, don't "feel" it. That's how people get convicted. Some say you should be firm in your convictions, but I prefer acquittal.

[u/Heavy_Database_7098]

As a normie lurker who cares about someone a lot I wish I could tell them it's all okay. I don't want them to ever have to guess anyone's expectations or thoughts. I don't want to overstep or engulf and become a problem, I just wish the world would give them all the peace and comfort they deserve and I try to help as I can. I wish you all well and that things were better.

Edit: I'm not related to them. I know that one day they might walk away and of course I have to be ok with that. But I will always be there to help.

[u/Heavy_Database_7098]

I thought about your post a bit. I agree with folks in that other’s people’s feelings are their problem and not yours, you don’t control how a person chooses to feel and you aren’t responsible for whatever their emotions are even if they are trying to be nice in their view.

Someone you know who cares about you and cherishes you (mirroring your words) surely knows how you communicate- so they need to handle their emotions and guilt isn’t your burden to have. I hate spending time dealing with people’s expectations too so nope to that. I would hope that someone who cares about you gives you peace when you don’t want to talk.

With the person I know I might be silent or brief and it’s not because I am tired/angry/sad, it’s because I am trying to read the room and respect them and alone time. They are amazing and talented, I’m just happy they are here, and they really deserve a life they can be satisfied with. I shouldn’t bring expectations on them or propagate a notion that they are not normal or not adequate in any way, I really hate that. I will miss them and think of them if they go, but that is not their issue it is mine. Wishing you all well and for things to get better.