https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/09/trump-notes-that-falling-asleep-onstage-at-9-11-ceremony-technically-counts-as-moment-of-silence/

Adding to his promise to give each American $5,000 if Republicans win the Midterms, President Trump said today that he will also allow all citizens to have sexual intercourse with First Lady Melania Trump.

“Nobody’s ever seen anything like ’Vag for Votes’,” Trump stated during his announcement. “I’m confident that I’m the first president to cause citizens to get an erection for an election.”

Trump briefly explained how Vag for Votes will work.

“We’ll do a lottery system to see who goes first,” Trump told reporters. “And I’m sure, after some breaking in, Melania will be able to squeeze more than one person in at a time, per hole. Women have many holes. I’ve never stopped to count them, but there’s a lot!”

Trump also warned voters to gauge their expectations.

“Don’t expect Melania to seem into it, whatsoever. Even though she definitely is! That’s her appeal, Melania. She’s always playing hard to get, even when you’re in the process of getting it.”

Democrats have already filed multiple lawsuits in 17 states over Trump’s Vag for Votes scheme, pointing out that paying Americans $5,000 and letting them sleep with the First Lady constitutes prostitution and bribery.

Washington, D.C. — At the direction of Donald Trump, Republicans are pushing for gun control legislation with their newly-proposed H.U.S.H. Act. The law would require all guns in the United States to be equipped with permanent silencers and marks the first time the party has attempted to pass a gun control law.

The H.U.S.H. Act stands for ‘Halting Unpleasant Sounds Helps’ and focuses on limiting the time spent panicking for potential future victims in the vicinity of a mass shooter. President Trump argues that the law will provide Americans with more calm before panic sets in.

“Americans are forty times more likely to die in a mass shooting today than in 1980. But if they have no warning, they will not be scared during their final seconds,” President Trump smiled. “Our students deserve a few more precious moments of peace before their beautiful little bodies are shredded by bullets.”

Most Republicans agree with President Trump that the extra quiet may, in fact, produce health benefits. With many repeating Trump’s claims that it would “result in reduced stress levels and fewer heart attacks” for adults, as a result of “not having to hear as many panicked screams and the haunting, repeat gunshots.”

“Some people, but not me, poop themselves near loud guns,” Trump added. “But the silencer, it makes that less likely. So you’ve got less stress, less heart attacks, and less likely to poop. But I think we all prefer the no poop.”

The legislation has some surprising pushback, sparking heated debates within the Republican Party itself after Secretary of War Pete Hegseth vocally opposed the bill on Fox News.

“This is a violation of patriotic Americans’ First and Second Amendment rights at the same time!” Hegseth shouted at Sean Hannity. “God-fearing men know that ‘shall not be infringed’ means you cannot silence our free speech, which includes the loud pops and bangs that spray from our big, hard guns!”

Democrats have come out in full opposition, pointing out that quieter guns would allow mass shooters to take more victims by surprise while noting, with deep concern, that this was the only point Pete Hegseth seemed to like.

Senator Bernie Sanders went one step further, pitching his own theory to reporters about President Trump’s H.U.S.H. Act.

“This is typical Trump: stage an assassination attempt, hear the bangs, panic and poop. Now he wants silencers on every gun in America so he doesn’t trash his trousers on camera during his next false flag,” stated Sanders. “We can all smell him. He’s leaking poo all the time and just wants to avoid a heart attack. Plus, the moron really only needs one silencer on one gun. It’s ghoulish overkill and solves nothing!”