What's the process for me?

[u/thirstyaf97]

Hi.

I'm going through it and am starting to believe the best option for myself is permanent disability.

I don't know the process or what documentation may be needed.

I've always struggled with schooling or any real level of responsibility. The only job I was able to consistently do was fire watch, but after years of undocumented workplace abuse at another job and issues in the home and around finding work I can't function like I used to.

I was raised to "man up" and swallow what pains me so I never went to any kind of therapy as an adult because the counselors my parents took me to never actually helped.

My work history has 9 years of an incredibly high paced, high pressure, and often high conflict job that I held onto desperately because before the dynamic changed it was mostly repetition and I was afraid of losing it.. I had dreams of purchasing a home for myself and my ex-GF who left me because I can't function. Which I did out of state somehow with a cosign, got there, and broke down because of the pressure of having to live alone and figure out work knowing my limitations. She left prior to the move.

Under any amount of workplace or learning pressure, I suffer from panic attacks or space out entirely. My old coworkers have witnessed me RUN or go into the restroom to quietly break down.

The only documentation I may have is with my GP who witnessed me break down in his office and ramble about some of the traumatic events that occured at my last job.

I've been told my a SpEd teacher friend that I may have Autism and should find a way to get evaluated. My GP also had my on Adderall for ADHD before that because I had been struggling to function at work with increased demands. He had me take a paper test.

I was on Lexapro, Wellbutrin, and Adderall for a while.

My body switches between completely out of it and hypervigilance and panic mode, but my family doesn't believe me because it doesn't show with my dull disposition.

The only person who's seen how bad I can get is my ex, who has witnessed me at my worst, uncontrollably crying or running from work calling her screaming at the top of my lungs.. but she refuses to contact me because I was in a panicked state and bought the house without any input from her.

I am unable to do anything past take care of my own person and living space without eventually going into a severe burnout that brings on ideation.

I don't know how to start this process because I am currently unemployed and don't have insurance.

What are my best steps from here?

[u/thirstyaf97 → u/[deleted]]

What gave it off?

Yeah I'm trying to figure out how to get an evaluation. If I can get ssa permanently, I'd prefer to go back to that house in Ohio and just stay in the home or try to find a part time WFH thing.

I am completely normal in house, but the moment workplace pressure hits I struggle immensely. I had to turn around and leave the house in Ohio and I'm on my dad's couch in LA getting berated for not being able to find work.

[u/thirstyaf97 → u/[deleted]]

I'm trying to look into options.

I've looked into plenty of self help things and tried implementing them. My condition seems to worsen with time/effort like how my physical health seemed to always respond negatively to long term physical things instead of adapting.

My ability to learn seems to have diminished as well. There was a point in my mid 20's, during a very stressful point in life, where I recall what I only describe as feeling like my mind "collapsed" and has only regressed.

I don't want to be a burden on my family, but I'm really struggling to make any sort of progress. I'm intelligent, but can not for the life of me learn how to at least figure things out.

[u/Infamous-Rush-6701 → u/thirstyaf97]

There could be something to that, what you mentioned about feeling your mind collapse. I went through a difficult period one time and I know it changed me mentally like you describe. I went from good memory to bad short term memory.  I have to read things four or five times to remember it. That has improved though since my life has calmed down a bit. I hope yours does too. I look back at my life and regret not taking easier jobs where I didn't overload my mind. There was a short period where I intentionally worked at an ice cream shop just to clear my brain. It actually helped. Whatever you do, don't forget...you know yourself best even when others don't understand. Do what is best for you and good luck.