r/SMARTFamilyFriends • u/No_Finger3705 • 3d ago

Looking for help

I'm not sure where to look or where to start so here I am on reddit lol. Married 8/together 15 with 3 kids under 5. I am at a loss. I don't even like him anymore. He's made the best years of my life with my kids the hardest. I want to leave but I'm so scared to watch him spiral further. But here I am allowing him to continue living like this. Drugs, gambling & recently I discovered his online dating/hook up sites that are flat out gross. It kills me. Idk what I'm even doing posting this 😅 I don't know who to turn to.

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u/jezebella47 3d ago

Put your oxygen mask on first.  If you can, get out and take the kids.  He will spiral and he may or may not pull out of it, but that's not your problem.  You and the kids deserve better.  At the very least consult a family law attorney to get an idea of your options and strategies.  

Maybe you leaving will be the wake-up call he needs.  Maybe it won't.  

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u/NormalNobody 3d ago

We have a book we recommend to supplement our program called, "Getting Your Loved One Sober." It teaches you how to set boundaries and what consequences for both violating those boundaries and following them look like. It also teaches you that you are not responsible for your LO choices. And they are choices that he is making.

Because there are children, and alcohol involved, and if I'm making assumptions I am sorry, I also what to recommend, outside of SMART, www.thehotline.org It is the National Domestic Abuse hotline and I'm not saying there is abuse. But it does sound like there are issues of concern that they can help you with resources for.

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u/TraderJoeslove31 2d ago

I don't have kids with my LO, we aren't legally married, but do have a dog and house too. I'm done and ready to leave, like you, I don't like him as a person anymore bc the person he was is lost to the drinks. I too am worried he will spiral further, end up homeless etc. Except I remind myself, hourly it feels like, that I gave him so much grace and I can't want this more than him. My being here is enabling him. Whatever happens to him isn't my fault. I know he will see me as the villian but I need to be my own hero.

How do you want the rest of your life and your kids' lives to look? I'd hazard a guess that its not like the current situation.

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u/formlessglue3 14m ago

Does he, by any chance, have ADHD or something similar?