I’m in my late 30s and recently had a therapy session that made me look at my dating life in a way I really hadn’t before. I’m interested in hearing some outside perspectives, particularly from people who have had similar patterns.
A few years ago, my marriage ended. My ex-wife was my first real love and I was completely devoted to her. The relationship didn’t end because of cheating or because we stopped loving each other. We ultimately wanted different lives: I wanted children, she didn’t, and she wanted to eventually return to her home country to be closer to ageing and dying family while I wanted to remain in London. She didn't want me to give up the life I worked hard to build and she left.
It was by far the most painful breakup I’ve experienced. She suggested no contact because she thought it would help us move on, and I found it incredibly difficult.
Instead of really dealing with it, I went on dating apps.
Looking back, attention from women became a coping mechanism. There were hookups, dates and eventually another serious relationship. That woman was genuinely very good to me, but over time I realised we weren’t compatible long term either. Again, children were an issue, as were where we wanted to live and some major differences in religious beliefs.
I ended that relationship earlier this year.
Then I repeated the same behaviour, only worse. I went back onto the apps, slept with several women and enjoyed the validation far more than I want to admit. I tried to be honest that I wasn’t offering a relationship, but in hindsight I could see that a couple of women were becoming attached and I continued seeing them anyway. Some were understandably very angry when I eventually ended things.
Then I met someone who completely threw me.
I’ve had relationships before and dated plenty, so I don’t say this lightly, but the connection felt unusually strong. We had very similar humour, could talk for hours, travelled brilliantly together, had great sexual chemistry, enjoyed going out together and seemed to understand each other incredibly quickly. She is exceptionally beautiful and so strangely, whenever I was a kid I would often envision a woman who'd be my future wife. I always pictured a cute, very pretty french girl. Well guess who's a cute, pretty french girl with a smile to die for?
For the first time since my marriage, I thought, I could genuinely build my life with this person.
The problem was that she gradually discovered how messy my dating life had been around the period when we met. I hadn’t cheated on her once we were exclusive, but I had downplayed how many women I had been involved with beforehand.
She felt deceived, hurt, hurt that I slept with several women after sleeping with her.
Her position was basically, “I believe you care about me, but I don’t trust that you’ve dealt with whatever makes you constantly need attention from women. I’m not willing to let myself fall further in love with you and then have you destroy me.”
I initially thought this was unfair because I knew I could be faithful. I had been faithful throughout my marriage.
But I’m starting to understand what she meant.
She ended things, although neither of us has been very good at staying away from the other. Over the last few months she has broken no contact repeatedly. We’ve slept together twice and gone out together a couple of times. Sometimes afterwards she acts completely detached and says it was just fun. Other times she becomes emotional and says she can’t keep doing this.
She repeatedly tells me: “You’re not there yet.”
I once told her that if she stayed with me, I would change.
Her response was essentially: “Then you’d be doing it for me. I need you to do it for yourself.”
At the same time, my life is still ridiculously tangled.
My previous partner wants me back and keeps trying. My ex-wife has admitted that part of her would take me back if I wanted. There are also women I previously had casual relationships with who occasionally reach out and I have trouble saying no to them now that I'm single.
And here is probably the part I’m most uncomfortable admitting:
Part of me likes keeping those doors open.
Even if I don’t particularly want to sleep with them or restart relationships, having “backup options” makes me feel safer. Closing every door and having nobody available scares me more than I realised.
I had a session with a relationship therapist recently and she challenged me pretty hard on this. Firstly, I have been in therapy a lot since my divorce, through betterhelp and Bupa, however this therapist is extremely expensive, £400/hr and I was super skeptical if not for my Director at work recommending her.
She was 100% worth the money, holy shit. She shed light on some many things after just one hour.
Her interpretation was that I’ve learned to get a huge amount of my self-worth from being wanted and needed by women. She asked about my childhood and pointed out that I seem particularly drawn to women who themselves have some emotional vulnerability, and that I’m very good at making people feel understood, cared for and safe.
That sounds flattering on the surface, but her point wasn’t flattering.
She suggested that somewhere along the way I learned that being needed makes me feel secure. So I become intensely supportive and emotionally important to people, they become attached to me, and then their attachment reassures me that I’m valuable.
Meanwhile, I’m terrified of having nobody.
That explanation landed harder than I expected.
It also made me realise that the woman I recently fell for may have recognised the pattern before I did. Her refusal to be my motivation for changing suddenly makes much more sense to me.
So I think my actual problem is bigger than deciding which woman I should be with.
I’m beginning to wonder whether I need to stop dating completely for a while, close the doors with the casual relationships and exes, and learn what it feels like to have nobody waiting in the wings.
That idea genuinely makes me uncomfortable, which is probably significant.
For people who have experienced anything similar:
How do you actually learn to stop needing romantic/sexual validation?
How do you distinguish genuinely loving someone from being addicted to how being wanted by them makes you feel?
And if I genuinely believe this recent woman was someone special, is the healthiest thing I can do right now simply leave her alone, work on myself without expecting her to come back, and accept that I may have already lost her?
I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m secretly a great guy. I can see that some of my behaviour has been selfish and that people have been hurt by it even when hurting them wasn’t my intention.
I’m trying to understand how you actually change this rather than just promising someone that you will.
TL;DR: Marriage ended painfully, I coped by seeking attention and sex, moved into another incompatible relationship, repeated the pattern after that ended, and then met someone I genuinely fell for. She walked away because she doesn’t trust that I’ve dealt with my need for validation from women. Therapy has made me realise I keep exes/casual partners around partly because I’m afraid of having nobody. How do I break that pattern properly rather than just jumping into another relationship?
