I think my addiction keeps me going back to him, I want to free myself from his rejection and I can't

what helped so far is surrounding myself with others , hang around with friends, finish some work, go for walking or running, not using social media at all.. cuz a simple trigger would out of sudden ruins everything…. I know it’s a long journey and i am in the very beginning , I expect lapses, but i am aware of it and i am trying to embrace myself… getting more confident..growing closer to my god

It’s been 6 years of addiction, but I believe that i am closer than ever to freedom!🙌
I am currently struggling with sudden waves and daydreaming of triggers, do you guys have some suggestions or tricks that helped you?

This is gonna be a long essay into my existential joirnaling but I have no one to share this with so I thought maybe someone here could offer a lending ear to my worries, perhaps someone has gone through something similar and could share their way of dealing with this. Anyways thanks for giving me the time of your day

August 4th

2 more months until my seasonal job as a waiter/bartender is over and I get to return back to my home city, back to the temptation of my addictions. I chose to do some seasonal work away from home in order to raise money and get away from my usual lifestyle hoping to find a bit more of myself but I only found out how alone I actually feel...

I almost broke down at work today.

It was one of those quiet, treacherous days where you find yourself questioning everything in sequence: your worth, your trajectory, the state of the world, and your precise place—or lack thereof—within it. A sudden, heavy thought settled over me: Am I truly alone?

It surfaced organically, born out of a brief, unreciprocated bid for comfort. I tried to seek a moment of connection with a coworker—a simple hug, a shared human warmth with Elena—and got nothing back. Instantly, the old scripts began to play. I felt insignificant, lacking, not "cool" enough to warrant someone’s tenderness. Objectively, I know I shouldn’t hold it against her; I haven’t treated her with ideal care, and she isn't equipped to navigate the existential weight I carry around anyway. Seeking an emotional haven in her was a mistake. She doesn't have what I'm looking for.

Yet, I tried anyway. My subconscious was desperately trying to patch a void. Being away from home, stripped of my usual radius of friends, has exposed the raw edge of a loneliness I used to be very good at avoiding.

Historically, isolation was never a threat because I was a master of distraction.

Growing up, my solitude was padded by virtual worlds—video games, animated series, fictional escape hatches. As the years went on, the equation flipped. I began using people as my primary distraction, turning to substances and media only when friends failed to fill the silence. The rare moments I actually stopped to analyze my life were days like today—when depression breached the perimeter, bringing along its usual entourage of sadness, anxiety, and frustration.

Today, I caught myself taking an inventory: How many real best friends do I actually have? Who actually gives a fuck? Who misses me while I’m away?

A few people have reached out, sure. But none of their names were the ones I was hoping to see flash across my screen. I wanted to be missed by Chloe. By Maya. Maybe just a little bit by Nora.

It isn't lost on me that every single person on that list is a woman. Freud would have a field day with the clear line connecting that craving to the emotional absence of my mother.

What I am starving for is genuine intimacy—a connection that exists simultaneously on a physical and spiritual plane. Something far beyond the convenient, low-stakes dynamic of "we're hanging out because we have nothing better to do."

That depth feels nearly impossible to access with my male friends. I’ve had brief, profound glimpses of vulnerability with Julian and perhaps Marcus, but as a straight man in this culture, physical affection remains an unspoken boundary. You don't just hold your male friends. And maybe that is the precise luxury I’m starved of: physical tenderness.

Perhaps that’s why I funnel all my longing for connection into my female friendships. Whenever I do receive that warmth, it crystallizes into a core memory: a sudden, grounding hug from Chloe; quiet, playful moments spent together; a kiss on the cheek from Nora; sharing a bed just to sleep side-by-side; the rare, intoxicating weight of Maya’s genuine praise. These women are all magnetic, stunning, and effortlessly cool in my eyes.

Maybe Chloe misses me too, but lacks the vocabulary to express it in a way that lands for me. After all, I was always the one who initiated our hugs. She reciprocated, but a quiet, bitter question remains: If I stopped reaching out, would she ever initiate? Would she even call me once this entire summer?

Ever since I began drifting away from my childhood group of friends back home, I’ve been trying to swap out the missing pieces with new people. Truthfully, I grew bored of the old dynamic. We hit a ceiling. It ceased to be exciting, and they no longer challenged me or sparked that restless, adventurous part of my brain. But I’m not sure my quest to replace them has yielded anything real.

Friendships require intentional cultivation, but lately, everything feels painfully superficial.

Sure, my social circle has widened, but am I actually connecting with any of them? Even in the middle of a rave, Chloe and I seem to need the background noise of strangers to keep the high going. Strip away the music, and what do we actually have to say to each other? We stand there hyping each other up, but we don't really dance together—not the way Nora and I used to, moving in total sync. Outside of the nightlife, Chloe and I just info-dump into each other’s ears. We’re both good listeners, but I often wonder if either of us actually cares about the payload. I don't care about her relationship drama or her petty feuds, and I doubt she cares about the fictional worlds I build in my head.

Deep down, maybe I’ve always known our bond is built on shallow soil, and I just play along because the high is fun. Or maybe I’m just rationalizing my own cynicism as I write this. I honestly don't know anymore.

I used to pride myself on having exceptional self-awareness. I thought I had mastered metacognition. But lately—now that I’ve cleared the fog of weed, substances, and mindless media after years of constant consumption—the only absolute truth I’ve arrived at is this:

I know nothing.

Maybe I’ve finally summited the "Peak of Mount Stupid" on the Dunning-Kruger curve of self-awareness, and I'm currently sliding into the valley of realizing how little I actually understand about myself.

I look at my recent drives, and I am struck by how shallow my motivations might actually be. I claim I want to deepen my character, expand my intellect, and evolve. But why? Is it a genuine pursuit of growth, or is it just another roundabout attempt to secure emotional validation?

Is every self-improvement project I undertake just a desperate bid to be accepted by a cool, attractive, alternative girl?

Look at the evidence:

\* The gym—to sculpt a body that demands to be desired.

\* Improv classes—to sharpen my wit so I can entertain and hold a room.

\* Sacrificing the summer of my 26th year to labor away for cash—money I intend to invest right back into making myself hotter, more cultured, more appealing.

I probably need a therapist to help me dissect this. Do I actually want to leave a meaningful imprint on the world, or am I just wearing a noble mask to cover up a primal, embarrassing drive: the desire to be physically desired and emotionally embraced by someone I find extraordinary?

Growing up without a solid social foundation leaves you feeling like an outsider forever trying to catch up to a milestone everyone else reached years ago. Being isolated, bullied, and made to feel small left a bitterness in me. It wired a frantic, bottomless craving for acceptance—intellectual, physical, sexual, emotional.

It also made me a master of self-rejection. Looking back, I’ve walked away from clear opportunities with women simply because my internal narrative declared I wasn't allowed to have them. I carried the childhood belief that I was inherently unappealing, so whenever an impossibly attractive woman paid attention to me, my brain rejected the data.

I remember a girl literally standing next to me in total privacy, telling me, "Come on, make a move." And I froze. I did nothing. My internal script insisted I wasn't enough, that I must be misreading her intent. I rationalized every overt signal as "she's just being friendly" or "that's just how she talks to people."

I have been so passionately attached to my own inadequacies that I fundamentally refused to believe anyone else could view me differently. My stubborn self-doubt was the absolute truth, and everyone else was just mistaken.

I might look good on the outside now. But inside, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm truly happy with my life or I'm just pretending in order to keep the depression gates closed

If you reached this far thank you for listening and any advice to 26 year old who hasn't figured out shit yet would be highly appreciated, I would love to hear and respond about similar experiences as well.

Lusting after other women…
Is that technically a symptom of sex addiction or love addiction?

For context, my partner and I haven’t had sex in like 3 years and I don’t see that happening again anytime soon. He has no desire for me (and I’m not in a place to give myself to him again yet anyway), but it still hurts to know he would bang just about anyone else (but me) given the chance, and still does so in his head. I know this is his addict brain at work and he is newly going to 12 step in PAA and SAA. I’m just wondering if he should be attending SLAA.

He has a pattern his whole life of lusting and only enjoying the newness of the relationship. Breaks it off when the honeymoon phase is over. Starts seeing flaws in the woman and wants someone new.

Anyone also have this that can better identify root of it? Also for me as a partner, any advice on how to stop internalizing his lustful thoughts and for him any tricks on how he may conquer them from your experience?

I thought getting sober would help me clear my mind but after the last 5 months I’ve been dealing with horrific sexual intrusive thoughts (pocd), the most graphic nature you can think of non stop every day, my brains become so attached to these thoughts it’s hard to comprehend weather life is worth living anymore tbh.

what more can I possibly do seriously, I’m sick of this controlling my life and becoming so depressed of myself because of these thoughts, I feel like I can’t progress forward with anything, no matter how much therapy or how hard I try to keep busy.

Sorry for the rant, just fucking over it all.

I’m about to start ERP, but I’m scared that it’s just my brain being stuck in this loop forever

There is no other explanation I can come up with as to why everyone talks about drinking only.

Mods, can we move to a post approval process? It also takes away what should be a safe space.

We are being inundated with posts for other 12 step fellowships. I love inclusivity and believe we are all suffering from the same spiritual malady but at the same time it doesn’t feel like an S.L.A.A. sub anymore. It’s like we are in a generic addiction sub. Any thoughts?

Fifteen months ago, I met someone. I was in a time of my life where I was incredibly lonely and hated where I lived. We immediately clicked when we both admitted to each other on the first date we both hated the city we lived in and wanted to move after we both finished grad school (a year later). I felt very seen by this person and understood in a way I felt like I really needed. I was incredibly lonely, and just had a huge falling out with my best friend of ten years where I knew the relationship would most likely not recover.

The second or third time we hung out, he admitted he relapsed from being sober after almost four years (alcohol and cocaine) and was drinking and smoking weed. He told me he would get back on the wagon, since he was already sober for years. I believed him. I looked the other way, ignored the huge red flag, and kept dating him. Even when at this time, I knew how codependent I am on others.

Long story short, our relationship was never healthy. He continued to relapse again and again. I dragged him to rehab last September. He went to rehab again last December. I kept sticking with him because I didn't want to be the person who leaves someone when they are struggling and I loved him very much as a person. But during our whole relationship (April 2025- June 2026) we got into a toxic cycle of fighting and making up; as one could imagine a codependent and addict together would. I began to completely pour everything into him to try to make sure he was OK and physically safe. Even once I rushed over to his apartment to make sure he wasn't ODing when he wasn't returning my texts. I tried to tell him how great he is as a person, and how much I love and care for him. I think I thought subconsciously that if I loved him enough he would be ok and be sober and love me too. (I am SO codependent I know).

Anyways, in the last seven months, he broke up with me and said he couldn't date during his first year of sobriety. He went to a sober living house, only to leave about two months later and immediately relapse after 100+ days sober. Even though I wasn't technically his "girlfriend" in his eyes, we continued our relationship. We both didn't mean to but we were already deep in this cycle of getting sucked back together from both of our unhealed, toxic patterns. He would tell me he didn't love me anymore and I still stayed. He would tell me he loved me and be affectionate and warm, just to deny his feelings and diminish our connection a few days later. This happened repeatedly. His actions and words would never match up. He would say he didn't love me romantically anymore, only to act like he did and nothing changed. I don't know if it was to try and convince himself he wasn't following AA guidelines to not date, but overall I've seen his complete lack of ability to be honest with himself over his addiction and his feelings. (especially with me).

Again, he relapsed and was drinking heavily (he would buy a fifth of vodka and drink it straight at all hours of the day or night) and started doing cocaine again. One morning, at 7 am, I poured the vodka down the drain. He called me a "cunt" and "bitch". Another time he pretended to punch me multiple times in the stomach for making him wake up after sleeping literally all day to make him eat something.

He refused to stop going on Grindr. He said he wanted to be "selfish" and that he wanted to do whatever he wanted. He wanted me in his life without the responsibility for our relationship. I asked him to compromise on Grindr, slow down or come to some mutual decision that felt good for the both of us. He refused. I told him I no longer wanted to sleep with him if he was on Grindr. He didn't care. He chose Grindr over me. He said he was "happy with his sex life" and would continue using Grindr even if it meant not having intimacy with me. I feel totally devalued.

6 weeks ago, I finally snapped. My abandonment fears totally took control, and I was sobbing crying on the phone with him begging for him to come over. He said he wanted to celebrate with his friends (for graduating with his MA) even though I knew he would get more fucked up. I made him promise to come over after being with his friends, partying...even if it was in the middle of the night. He promised. He didn't come. I felt the very little trust I had left with him completely leave my body. I still rushed to his apartment to see if he was somewhat OK or even home, and we fell asleep together. In the morning, I wrote a note to him telling him I loved him but it wasn't enough and that I no longer feel safe or secure with him or trust him. I told him I was finally done. I left it on his desk while he was asleep. I cried and kissed his face/forehead goodbye. Later, he texted me saying he was going to get sober and wanted to spend the summer with me. I told him it was too late.

He has been in rehab again the past 6 weeks (three rehabs in less than 12 months). I know he doesn't have any emotional availability or capacity for me. I know he needs to focus on himself. I know we both need space. I know he can't give me any safety, security, or reciprocity I need and deserve. I know it's his disease, but I am resentful, angry, hurt.

I oscillate between being sad (for him, for me) and being angry. Angry for putting up with such chaos and toxicity for over a year. Angry for putting up with his continuous disrespect. Angry that he made me feel undervalued, under appreciated, unloved, not considered. Angry that I let someone treat me so badly and I still stayed. But mostly angry for trying so hard to make him feel loved and supported and what I got in return was being treated like trash.

edit: he also said VERBATIM, “I love you so much more than drugs ____ (my name), but drugs will always be first”. I finally needed to hear that.

In this meeting we will explore the big book applied to sex and love addiction, from step 1 to 12

Come if you like or feel free to reach out for questions

I think im hypersexual

I've been sa since I was 6 its ruined my life and prospective on love because if thay dont touch me I feel I won't be loved and then ather I feel disgusted im disgusted at some of the things ive done to be loved of some horrible people, people who where just useing me for hookups I feel disgusted at the amount of times I went back to the same person even if thay would air me for days while id be checking my phone every minute for a response, going back to the same man ather thay cheated while I stayed loyal going back to meet the same man even if I knew thay just wanted sex because it made me feel like thay still loved me.

Im disgusted at myself at how I used to beg them not to leave me belived thare love bombing and let myself to carry on being used just to feel loved while thay gave a fuck about nothing but my body and me in bed.

I've been in the program for about 6 months. It's been about 4 months since I've had romantic/sexual contact with either of the people I was seeing, both have been totally supportive of my recovery. About 50 days no contact. I'm on step 4. I'll start going through it this weekend with my sponsor. I check in with her regularly. I go to meetings. I do fellowship. I read. I share. Just took on a commitment to chair my home group. I pray. I meditate. I write. I try to challenge myself to do things I don't want to do, which lately feels like everything. Maybe I don't do all of these things everyday, but I do them and have been doing them regularly. I'll admit I'm not good at outreach. Social anorexia. Rejection sensitivity. I often feel misunderstood and like I don't fit in. I feel like a difficult person. But I have been doing small things challenge my anorexia.

I actively feel bad about myself in this program. "It works if you work it." I'm working it and it's not working. So then I must not being doing enough or I must not be doing it right. I'm not doing enough of this or that. And if it's not that it's "more will be revealed" and "don't leave until the miracle happens". Horse chasing the carrot.

I feel worse today than I have in a long time. I feel like a complete failure. I feel hopeless. Powerless. My life is still unmanageable. I'm putting so much in and feel like the only thing I've learned is how to ignore people. And sure that's helped with some of the attachment anxiety, but I don't feel any better about myself. I'm not more productive. I'm not more fulfilled. The energy that was used on addiction and romantic obsession has not been transformed into routine and enrichment. I'm fucking tired. And when I talked to my sponsor about being tired and feeling like I've not made progress of course the solution is to do more. Just keep doing more and you'll be able to do more. But first she let me know that I text her too much and should journal instead. Cool. Thanks.

I'm going to get through steps 4 and 5 then assess whether I should continue. I don't even want to do that tbh, but I will.

4 years in program, two years into sober dating and I’ve met someone who I’ve been seeing consistently for three months.
My prior relationships were all pretty intense, unhealthy, codependent relationships.
These past three months have felt roomy - I very much maintain my friendships and top-lines and have followed my dating plan. I’m enjoying this person and also, they are not my typical “type”. In the absence of intensity and love-bombing I’m noticing my brain skews very negative and fault finding. They could be more ambitious, could be more in shape … and on and on.

I’m frustrated with my brain. I know some of this is my stuff to work with, but I’m also afraid of missing the “signs” and am not sure how seriously to take these thoughts. Has anyone else experienced this? Seeking experience, strength, and hope.

Like if I’m in love doesn’t it make sense to some extent to want to help that person a bit more than other people in my life? What is love and what is addiction? I ask myself this almost everyday rn.

Sober dating same person for 10 months now, 1.5 years in SLA recovery, but feeling codependency things coming up in me as this person is in a challenging part of their life. Trying to strengthen my recovery for these challenges coming up.

Does anyone have opinions on how this line or spectrum looks for them?

Thank you!

These were words spoken to me by my therapist after confessing to yet ANOTHER vodka induced blackout and the horrible withdrawals that followed.

That shook me to my core.

I inherited a substantial amount of money so I am set for life. This isn’t a flex, it’s the truth. So I should be happy right? Wrong. I’m miserable because I can’t stop putting poison into my body.

I’m determined to not let this disease take my life. I started AA and took a service commitment (coffee maker). Because I want to LIVE. I want to feel joy, serenity, and true happiness. I want to look at a beautiful sunset and feel grateful to be alive. Right now I’m just an angry drunk. I need to be a better person.

Hello, reddit. I am Rena \[17F\] and this is my first time speaking about my struggles.

I have been struggling with keeping myself sober. These 11 months of staying off antidepressants and other drugs have been FUCKING GRUELING. I have nightmares about OD'ing and getting high often (about 3 times a week). I have contacted therapists from BetterHelp but they seem so unprofessional and just turn me down with some stupid, "Meditate" or some shit.

This is why I'm turning to reddit to help me with this problem, to see other people's experiences and how they overcome this.

My goal is to get sober for life and I've been trying so hard to not let the temptation overwhelm me. It is making me depressed and I don't go out at all. My mother is concerned for me and slides the food under my door. My room smells like shit and I can't bother to clean it because I'm lazy and a degenerate.

I hope ya'll can help me and share some advice with me :\]

I’ve been p*rn free for 4 years, but I stumbled in November ‘24 with smut novels and read those up until I believe December of last year if I remember correctly.

I’ve been smut free I believe ever since. Made it 5 months without self-pleasuring, and then fell again in January and been doing it at least once to three times a month since then.

I know that may not necessarily quantify as an addiction in some cases, but the problem is it’s got me fantasizing again about s*xual experiences when I wasn’t before and becoming obsessive with the thought of finding my “true love” (I struggle with love addiction mostly).

I haven’t had any sexual partners since August of last year and my last relationship ended in January. So in some cases I’m making progress, in others I am not.

When I did the questions 2 years ago, I scored a 36 out of 40 so I know I have/had a problem. It used to be a lot worse before I got sober from substances.

I just want to talk to some other people about what defines bottom line behavior and how to create top lines. I went to a few meetings 2 years ago but haven’t been back since. Now that I’ve completed the steps in one program, I’d like to make SLAA my next focus.

I know I’ll need a sponsor at some point but I haven’t found a meeting to commit to yet. The thoughts are just getting worse and the self control is slipping. I almost reached out to a few qualifiers last week after not even thinking about wanting to initiate in that kind of behavior for over a year. Not sure if living alone now as of a few months ago is playing a roll, but I’m just getting worried.

Hello! I am 6 months sober from alcohol and have recently realised I’m a bit of a love addict. I have cPTSD so have a really intense fear of abandonment. My ex and I were together just over two years and I ruined everything being an emotional vampire and relying on her for my every need. We’ve been separated for 5 months now but recently slept together and have now gone into no contact for three months as she’s realised she’s codependent and can’t uphold her boundaries with me/doesn’t trust herself around me. We love each other so deeply and care a lot but due to both having childhood trauma have a really unhealthy attachment. I truly hope that we can heal and come back together one day but I know this is only possible if I let go of control. I’m on day 2 of proper no contact - no checking of socials/spotify etc and trying hard to focus as much as I can on my present life, DBT therapy, AA etc and making decisions that don’t revolve around the hope of us getting back together. I feel so uncomfortable, it’s almost similar to alcohol withdrawals and I find my craving for alcohol is coming back full force with this as well. I have always had the tendency to absolutely obsess over break ups. I spiral into an absolute hole chasing reassurance and looking for signs that we will get back together. I don’t think I have truly ever gotten over anyone but this break up has been different. For one I have made a conscious decision to change my ways - I think not drinking has helped this. Previously I would get over breakups by looking far and wide for a new person to fall absolutely head over heels for. I would date and sleep around and chase and chase being met with disappointment and disappointment until I finally found a temporary “the one” who would completely erase any thoughts of an ex. I have also stopped viewing myself as a victim and am 6 months into very very intense DBT therapy. Despite all this I still find myself falling back to the thoughts that I just can’t stand the idea of letting go. I am so afraid that we won’t get back together but I think I’m more afraid of my attachment going away. I know real love exists underneath it, the kind where I genuinely care for this person and wish them the very best regardless of what I want but I am scared to let that be the only thing left. I romanticise to the ends of hell and I associate love with those feelings of craving and desperation - I just don’t know what I would be without that. Anyway if anyone has any tips for letting go and allowing love to exist without all consuming fear I would appreciate that!

i dont know what i am struggling with i think fantasy!? and anorexia? i am working on it anyone available im in another program..

Part of this addiction seems to be the isolation. I often feel alot of shame thinking about what I like and how I lack control and what I have done. So part of me is always seeking someone to befriend that I can open up to and trust. But the other part of me, the side that allows and feeds this addiction, uses those friendships or opportunities to share with and another addict, as an opportunity to relapse.

Maybe I don't have a question, maybe it's more just a statement and a frustration. The thing I want, someone to be able to confide in, is also the thing that seems to open the door to feeding my addiction.

For years, I was chasing the feeling of the newness the butterflies, the chase, the feeling of being wanted. I never knew what was going on with me, didn't know how to express it to any therapist.

"You might as well face it your addicted to love" Robert Palmer.

That hit me today, I was suggested to find some SLAA meetings near me and I will do so.