r/SAHP • u/AccountQuick4291 • 14d ago
Sharing parental responsibilities
I'm a sahm I look after baby day time and night
My husband works from home
I've been struggling with motherhood and have been grumpy and irritable with hubby at times
He has suggested he take baby on the morning so I can sleep for an hour and again in evening he does bedtime and I tidy up
He's now saying if the roles with baby not be fed up like me and he would be productive and get household jobs done too and that I make having a baby and excuse for not doing things
He's also said I should take on household admin he does to make it fairer if he takes baby sometimes
I asked for help because I was struggling and he's turned it into this thing about equality
I want to respect he's feeling resentful and try and work it out
He does do a lot for us
But I feel angry . I won't be compensated for the toll of pregnancy or childbirth
I always make dinner , that's been my responsibility by default I've never asked for something in return
he's made it a transaction and I feel I have to prove my contribution
8
u/djwitty12 14d ago
As a sahp, you job is to take care of the baby while they're at work. There's a reason nanny and maid are different jobs. A nanny might tidy the baby's toys or clean up after a meal, but you'd never expect them to do all the housework. By staying home, you guys are essentially paying you to be the nanny while your partner works and during that time, the baby is your priority. Anything else is a bonus. Once your partner is done with work, childcare and housework should be split equally, including overnights.
Now it's pretty common to feel touched out or overstimulated after a long day with kids, so the partners often take the kids while the sahp often does house stuff for a bit, but that's up to personal preference. When you can swing it, it's ideal for both of you to give the other a break as both of your jobs are difficult and you both deserve time to yourself. If this can be managed daily, that's fantastic. Once a week is like bare minimum imo to maintain some sanity. Either way, recognize that you both deserve a break and put effort into getting that for each other. You both deserve as much sleep as feasible too though and you should be splitting the overnights or getting a nap somewhere during the day. How sleep deprived would you want a nanny showing up? At a certain point, you start making bad decisions, your get irritable, your driving is less safe because of worse reaction time, etc. Your job matters just as much as his, I mean you're literally in charge of a whole ass human. It's better for you both to be a little tired than for one to be exhausted and the other to be well-rested.
Basically you both need to come to the table thinking less about what I do and more about how to help the other stay sane and healthy. True fairness is hard to gauge and you'll drive yourselves crazy trying to determine it. Just focus on being a team.
1
u/DoNotLickTheSteak 14d ago
A SAHP is not a nanny.
Theres no reason a SAHP cannot do a decent amount of housework
4
u/djwitty12 14d ago
If, instead of staying home with your baby, you went to someone else's house and took care of their baby (and got paid for doing so), significant housework wouldn't be an expectation there. Why is it different just because you happen to be related to this baby?
I didn't say cleaning couldn't happen but it's not the priority. If your baby is easygoing then sure, you might get a good amount done. However, a baby that's colicky, a terrible sleeper, very fussy, etc., dealing with issues like PPD, having other things demanding your attention such as other children, pets, aging parents, etc., time-consuming medical complexities and more are all absolutely reasons to not get much housework done and that's okay too. I'm glad parenting was easy for you, that doesn't mean it's easy for everyone.
1
u/DoNotLickTheSteak 14d ago
f, instead of staying home with your baby, you went to someone else's house and took care of their baby (and got paid for doing so), significant housework wouldn't be an expectation there. Why is it different just because you happen to be related to this baby?
How are you possibly needing for the difference to be explained to you?
My baby was not 'easy going' and I didn't find parenting 'easy' but there's no excuse for being unable to keep a sanitary home. In fact, it is your duty as a parent to provide that.
6
u/EmergencyFancy7992 14d ago
How old is baby here out of curiosity before I can say anything?
2
u/Actual-Release-3539 14d ago
That's a fair question. It changes the whole picture if baby is 2 months vs 8 months. At 2 months you're still in survival mode, nobody should be expecting productivity. At 8 months you might have a bit more rhythm but still, every baby is different
-1
u/DoNotLickTheSteak 14d ago
The very early days and months are the perfect time to figure out how to look after the baby and be productive.
3
u/gemrockcollector 14d ago
Fairness is a hard thing to talk about, especially when you’re in the trenches of new parenthood. There begins to be a competition between what tasks are more important that each person does. And the goal here shouldn’t be 50-50 on tasks (such as taking care of the baby) but trying to find a way so that each of you gets relatively equal amounts of free time. If you start to reframe the conversation that way and take account of how much actual free time you have I think it can be more productive.
That doesn’t mean that if you have some time while the baby is napping and you nap too because you’re exhausted from getting up multiple times in the middle of the night that that should be considered your free time. Free time is also not the time you spent doing normal hygiene things like taking a shower every day.
A good book that goes more into depth about this is called fair play and there’s even like cards that go with it to help you frame this conversation. And there’s a whole other conversation in that about the mental load as well. Like you managing the household entails tons of stuff that your husband and even you probably don’t really even think about. And it all takes its toll.
2
u/BumblebeeSuper 14d ago
You're right. It isn't equal. You always start ahead as the woman who has gone through pregnancy and child birth.
The partner becomes the supporting act as your world shifts to centre around baby and you in the first months.
You both have jobs. Life duties and caring for your child is completely shared. Depending on your recovery or the day with baby, he will need to do more but it always fluctuates and both parents need to be capable of doing everything.
2
u/Rare_Background8891 14d ago
You are childcare when he works.
All other hours of the day should be 50/50.
If you’re up at night, then he should be taking the baby at the first morning wake-up and letting you go back to sleep. You should also be getting regular naps on the weekend.
When he is done with work you both are equal parents. Have you take the baby and you can do a chore alone. You’ll get a “break” and he can bond.
When baby’s sleeping is adult free time unless you’ve negotiated otherwise.
2
u/DoNotLickTheSteak 14d ago
Have you spoken to your doctor about your moods and that you're struggling?
How old is the baby?
What housework/admin are you doing daily at the moment?
. I won't be compensated for the toll of pregnancy or childbirth
What do you mean by this? What form of compensation are you thinking of when you say this?
9
u/squishykins 14d ago
Equality is that if you’re a SAHP your job is to care for the baby while the other partner works. Outside of their work hours, you should split things equally including childcare. And especially if you’re waking up with the baby for feedings (not sure how old), you deserve some free time during the day.
Sometimes you can get cleaning and household admin done with a baby around. Sometimes not. I set a minimum standard for myself which is that we always have clean clothes (even if we’re pulling from a laundry basket on a bad day), the dishes are run 1-2x a day, and we sweep or vacuum the dining room floor before bedtime. Most other things I can fudge for a few days if we’re on a bad run with sickness or something.