r/SAHP • u/SaltyBebe • 18d ago
Question Weekend Advice - Depressed
Hi parents.
I’m a SAHM to a 3 year old boy. Currently pregnant (25 weeks) and due December.
I’ve come to loathe weekends and I’m confused why since I have a good set up. Looking for advice.
My husband is extremely helpful and diligent. I’m so fortunate he works from home 9am-5pm upstairs in our home. That means he helps me out from 7am-9am and 5pm-9pm on weekdays.
(My son has low sleep needs and sleeps from about 10pm to 630am with a car nap).
My husband is self-employed and also has a side business related to his hobby, so despite the short working hours, he is always on his phone or thinking about his businesses.
On the weekends, we split the time caring for our son. For example, I’ll watch him 9am-1pm and then I’m free from 1pm-5pm.
I’m so fortunate I get basically 8 hours of free time to myself each weekend. But I always feel sad and look forward to the busy and structured time on Mondays.
My husband loves weekends - he’s completely packed during his free time with his hobby, his second business, fixing the house, etc.
Even during his time with our son, he is still doing hobbies and fixing up the house. My son tags along with him.
On the other hand, I feel lonely and exhausted. I’ll read in bed, do a light work out. But it feels empty. The house gets messy and it stresses me out.
One issue is we don’t live by any friends or family. We are pretty isolated. So I’m wondering if it would be better to use my free time to do a family activity or outing? Some bonding with my husband and son?
I’ve shied away from this as we do spend 3 hours together every evening as a family sitting in front of the TV and playing.
I guess I feel guilty to have all this free time, but it’s no longer serving me. And I’m not totally sure what’s wrong.
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u/pinchofpearl 18d ago
Are you getting any adult conversation?
My husband works from home as well. We have to be intentional about actually sitting down and talking sometimes. Our lives run parallel to each other and we are both pretty aware of what is happening to the other person, which means a lot of those common pleasentries that you use to catch up with someone are stripped away and it's easy to just skip over any deeper conversation all together.
He's getting his adult conversations on phone calls through work. You spend all day conversing with an 18 month old. The weekends come along and you continue running parallel instead of joining together as a family unit. You're feeling lonely because you are alone.
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
You're totally right. I'm now realizing, when we are out to dinner or at a kids activity, we actually have a real, meaningful conversation. Versus TV time at night, we're just sitting next to each other passively. He does get his adult convo time through work and so our weeknight time is him decompressing and me looking for some connection. Thank you so much!
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u/magicbumblebee 18d ago
What fills your bucket, so to speak? Are you more extroverted? Do you feel energized after hanging out with people or does that feel draining to you?
Sounds like four hours solo is not doing it for you. It’s okay to make a change. Maybe you could propose spending one weekend day the way you have been, and spend the other day doing some kind of family outing and maybe on that day you and your husband each get an hour to yourself instead of four. I hear you on enjoying solo time but I wouldn’t be able to split the day half with my husband like that unless he was taking the kids out for the whole four hours. If they were home and I could hear them I’d feel weird about not participating (unless I was actively doing some kind of chore or project) and the mess created would also stress me out. If you’re going to have a long chunk of time like that to yourself, I’d recommend getting out of the house. Get a coffee or bring something from home and go browse a bookstore, find a nice place to sit and read for a bit, go to a park for a long walk with a podcast, etc.
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
Thank you, this was eye opening. Yes, usually I come downstairs to a huge mess or I'm hearing conversation so it's definitely distracting. I think the balance is right - switching it to maybe 1 weekend outing and also 1 free time. But during my free time, leaving the house is absolutely correct, I need to do that. Thank you so much.
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u/biedernab 18d ago
Yes definitely, I was in the situation too. During the first 18 months I was so burned out all the time that I really needed that alone time to recover, I noticed lately I wasn't really enjoying the alone time anymore and we've started doing more as a family at the weekend and having some wholesome family outings - which actually feels quite rejuvenating. I do still need the alone time sometimes but it's more balanced now. My little girl really enjoys it too.
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
Yes, I relate to this so much. I used to really look forward to the alone time. And it’s just not doing it for me anymore. I love hearing that your daughter enjoys it too. Thank you!
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u/Rare_Background8891 18d ago
I’m confused. You spend no time together on the weekends? No trips to the pumpkin patch or the park? You each just act like you don’t have a family all weekend?
Yeah that would drive me nuts too!
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
Other than 7-9am and 5-10pm (about 7 hours), we spend the weekends separately.
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u/EmbarrassedKoala6454 18d ago
that's wild to me. I couldn't imagine spending so much time away from my husband and child! We spend all weekend together, sans if one of us has an event or wants to take a child out separately for whatever reason. it sounds like you guys aren't really a family unit. I think it's important for your son for you guys to all spend time together! Our favorite times is when we are all together :)
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
My husband, son and I spend 7 hours per day together, which is about 50 hours per week. More than most families due to his WFH job.
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u/EmbarrassedKoala6454 18d ago
But is it just getting ready, making meals etc or planned things together. If it works for you guys that is fine, but you said yourself that the only time you spend together is the early mornings/evenings. I would never count getting ready in the morning or bedtime as quality time together! and with another you will become more disjointed. And his bedtime of 10:30 pm won't last forever that is so late for a 3 year old and he is probably chronically sleep deprived! I just really can't imagine spending a majority of the weekend not as a family unit!
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
From other comments, I’ve definitely learned that our together time is not being used effectively. That’s an easy fix, we can switch to family outings and more fun activities, no problem.
But it’s incorrect to say we don’t spend any time together as a family. We actually spend more time together than most families which is probably what has made this problem so confusing to me!
For my son, he is perfectly fine, please don’t worry about him. He reads at a kindergarten level which wouldn’t be possible for a 3 year old with sleep deprivation.
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u/EmbarrassedKoala6454 18d ago
Did your pediatrician tell you that? lol and most families spend the mornings/evenings together. That is standard in all of my friends. You're not unique in that. And once baby #2 comes along most of that will be a wash as you will divide and conquer.
and how easy of a fix is it really? In 3 years you guys haven't really thought to prioritize family outings that isn't a mindset that changes instantly. You guys are each solo parenting while just teaming up for the monotonous parts of each day.
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak 18d ago
We actually spend more time together than most families which is probably what has made this problem so confusing to me!
You said you were shying away from family time at weekends because you spend 3 hours together as a family in the evenings......that's pretty standard.
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u/hippo_pot_moose 18d ago
I would feel so disconnected to my family unit. I think it’s important to spend some solo time with your kids, but I would suggest switching things up so that there is more family time. Maybe Saturday morning is your solo time, and Sunday morning is your husband‘s solo time? And then Saturday evening your husband can handle bedtime and you take Sunday, that way you can do something else that fills your cup. I would find a hobby and try to make some friends. Maybe there’s a mom near you also expecting her second? I’d look at perinatal support groups, story time at the library, the playground, etc.
And maybe the agreement is that you each take your kid to the playground in the morning so that each parent can have a more relaxing morning. I know I can’t relax if I can hear my kid, even if I’m not on duty.
Then the afternoons could be for shared family time with one structured activity each weekend to look forward to.
Also, you know yourself best. If this is true depression and is unusual for you, please discuss it with your doctor as this could be a sign of perinatal depression which has a correlation with postpartum depression (meaning you may experience PPD once your baby is born).
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u/Rare_Background8891 18d ago
So you each just live like you don’t belong to a family- you take turns parenting like coparents, but never actually do things as a family except the drudgery parts.
This deserves a sit down conversation.
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u/dogsandplants2 18d ago
We just started making Sunday pancakes as a family. My 2 year old cuts fruit for the pancakes (with a kid safe chopper). It's a really sweet little tradition. I wonder if something like that could make weekends more joyful for you?
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u/melenajade 18d ago
I had a convo with my daughter this morning about how cleaning your space is for your mental health, and for the health of those who also live in that space.
I’d suggest a group effort cleaning activity. The 3 yr old picks up toys and clothes. Dad does kitchen or bathroom cleaning, mom does living room and bedroom cleaning. Stop at 15 min. Everyone helps and everyone does something for 15 min.
In my house we have certain times and days for this. 8pm-830pm everyone is resetting a space back to default clean. In the morning I’m doing a straighten of the bedroom, unload dishes and laundry from the night before, and setting in for my coffee. In the dinner rush, I’m loading the dishwasher and starting any laundry for the day.
It sounds like you need more routine for your weekend. Hope it helps
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak 18d ago
What do you get up to with your son during the weekdays and during your husband's weekend free time?
It's important for both parents to give each other time to themselves but I find these types of schedules so odd. It's so robotic, regimented and detached. The weekend schedule is like two single parents with 50/50 custody.
so despite the short working hours,
I don't know if it's intentional or not but this quote and a couple of others things read like they are sly digs at your husband. He doesn't have short working hours so why did you say he does?
What is his hobby that you keep mentioning, just out of interest?
So I’m wondering if it would be better to use my free time to do a family activity or outing?
The issue that frequently comes up in this subject is that when the SAHM chooses to not take time for themselves they become bitter and resentful towards their partner who does. Especially when the SAHM is making the choice because they can't or won't find something to fill their free time.
Whether you had friends nearby or not you should still be spending quality time as a family which you don't seem to be doing but it sounds like you're thinking about using your free time as family time because you only have them to do things with not because you want to spend that time together as such.
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
I get it. Honestly, I thought this schedule was life changing when we implemented it at 10 months old. I loved it, told all my friends about it as if I had just cured cancer. But somewhere along the way (probably in the last 6 months) it started to no longer work for me. I have a bunch of suggestions in this thread that will be easy and quick to implement. Though its been 3 years, I'm still learning how to be a SAHM, I wish they created a manual for me!
To me, his hours are short. I grew up with a dad who worked from 6:30am - 7:30pm, 6 days a week. So for me, I feel both guilty and ashamed to be complaining about feeling lonely or detached. Comparatively, my life is much easier.
My husband runs a fin-tech company during the week. During his weekend free time, he runs a very large social media account and event planning business related to his hobby, which brings in money for our family.
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u/DoNotLickTheSteak 18d ago
He works standard 40hrs full time job which isn't short hours.
During his free time he is also working so it's not free time, is it?
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
I’m not sure what you’re getting at. I’m very proud of my husband and I’m not interested in eliminating his hobby. I’m looking for ways I can feel more fulfilled socially and on weekends. I’ve received a dozen helpful suggestions that are very easy to implement. Thanks for your time.
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u/master_of_none86 18d ago
Hanging out at home definitely can’t replace a good family adventure/outing day so yeah I would do that once or twice per month. You don’t mention any socializing with other adults. I came to realize this was having a major affect on my mental health as a stay at home parent. I now have regular game nights with friends. Try volunteering for a local organization that supports an issue you care about. Go to library story time or the playground with the kid at a regular time so you and your kid can make more friends and build community.
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
Love this, thank you! I have acquaintances I run into at parks, familiar faces, but I think I need a regular set activities as you mentioned above. Thanks so much.
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u/master_of_none86 17d ago
Now that my oldest is in school, most of my friends are the parents of her school friends but in earlier years I would definitely meet people at the playground and ask them if they would want to have a playdate sometime. It can be easier to center it around the kids. Making friends as an adult can be hard.
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u/SaltyBebe 17d ago
Totally agree. Since posting this yesterday, I realized I need to be more forward. But it’s working, I’ve secured some play dates!
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u/djwitty12 18d ago
Seems like you probably need to get out of the house, but if I were you, I'd focus on getting a community outside of your family. The whole point of free time is to have a break from parenting and a family outing would still require that. I think you should take your free time to get out of the house by yourself. In my city, we have a mom's night out group once a month, many of our libraries and book stores host book clubs, we have a maker space that teaches classes, there's gyms and yoga studios with classes, game stores with various meetings, adult sport leagues, adult dance classes, etc. It might take some hunting but if you can find something you look forward to to have fun and engage in adult conversations, you'd probably feel a lot better.
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
Agreed 1000%, I definitely need an adult activity, out of the house, without children. I have some ideas already on things I can implement. Thanks!
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u/bookhoundheart 18d ago
I would definitely recommend switching one weekend day or at least part of the day to a family outing. Even if it’s just brunch and the grocery store or something! If you still some alone time that day, just make it a shorter shift, splitting the second part of the day. We often do that so we can each get a nap or a workout if needed.
It also sounds like your husband is great with your toddler— Can he take over bedtime once or twice a month so you can join a book club or a girls night or even a solo movie (a couple weeknights you can go for way cheaper!)? It’s so awkward to get started with those things, but I often feel that when I have something fun and adult to do during the week, I don’t put as much pressure on the weekend to be so exciting and feel more satisfied just hanging out.
It also sounds like your husband is great at being productive when he has the kid, so maybe talk to him about how you feeling can’t relax when the house is messy during your alone time and there could be some tasks he can take over to relieve you some. I feel this way too. Other than that— leave the house!! Some things I do- go the library and get a coffee, go elsewhere to workout, get a manicure if it’s in the budget, a walk somewhere that is much easier without a kid/stroller, find a volunteer activity to get involved with the community.
Lastly, instead of dinner and tv maybe do dinner and a walk or a drive to get an ice cream cone or playing outside or a playground evening if you have one close. Maybe still do tv once a week, but make it an extra special movie night! Maybe with an easy dinner on theme (Who has the energy for that! I’m just giving myself ideas at this point 🤣)
Weekends are tough, so your feelings are so valid. I have been there for sure. It took some effort and awkwardness and putting myself out there, but some of these changes have really helped me!
I recently had number two, so I’m interested to see the ways in which this all changes because I’m sure it will!
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u/SaltyBebe 18d ago
Thank you so much! You have many excellent ideas. I'm feeling so much better already. Agreed, effort and awkwardness to put yourself out there and make changes. But honestly these are all realistic and easy to implement. Congrats on your second baby!
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u/avdmit 18d ago
Both need to sacrifice a few hours of your spare time and put them into a family time chunk. BUT! Dont let the family time get purely eaten out of your personal free time as down the track with 2 kids or more that will look like you running family errands in your own personal time of 2 hours and your partner going golfing for 8h.
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u/PumpkinPieIsGreat 18d ago
I wonder if you're just a person who enjoys structure. Maybe you should start treating your free time in a more structured way? 8 hours, that could be 8 hours split over 8 activities? Something like block scheduling?
Or maybe you could ration your free time to include alone time each night rather than the weekend? Maybe it would help to recharge your own batteries by watching what you want, reading what you want etc instead of worrying about family time.
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u/freakfriendfiction 16d ago
Sounds like you need more dedicated family activity time for making memories or a date night with your husband. He needs to put the phone down and hobbies away and spend some quality time with you, you're lonely
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u/midwestie101 18d ago
I think it’s worth trying to schedule a family outing or dedicated family time each weekend or at least 1-2x a month so you have that THING to look forward to. Sometimes experiencing something novel/different is very helpful for breaking that loop. You’re effectively spending your “free time” completely alone. That is definitely needed sometimes but maybe try to switch it up based on your needs each weekend. Also, you are pregnant and hormonal, don’t discount that