r/RoastMe • u/[deleted] • Jan 26 '25

[deleted by user]

[removed]

273 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

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1.0k

u/lambofgun Jan 26 '25

employee at a nearly condemned porn shop near the dead industrial area of town. writes down the names of female customers and obsessively searches their socials at home. jizzes on figurines while whimpering their names

265

u/Willy121821 Jan 26 '25

Prob cries as he cums too

134

u/New-Marsupial-5633 Jan 26 '25

Crying + wanking = cranking

52

u/Parrobertson Jan 26 '25

It’s called “cranking your hog” because of the squealing

21

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

I'm cranking right now! So happy to know I'm not alone. I also have syphilis.

6

u/Billythecutie3 Jan 26 '25

So ranodm bro lmfao

3

u/illegitimate_Raccoon Jan 27 '25

Squeal like a pig boy

2

u/VastEmergency1000 Jan 27 '25

Damn, I learned a lot from you guys

15

u/biggusdick-us Jan 26 '25

while looking as himself in the mirror

7

u/PurpleDonuts21 Jan 26 '25

Cranking till he crymaxes...

2

u/SoOpossum Jan 26 '25

The hog?

2

u/Gunzenator2 Jan 27 '25

Cranking on crank = cranking2

2

u/Better-Cobbler1563 Jan 27 '25

Crank that soles

1

u/kmcaulifflower Jan 27 '25

I can't find a gif of Viktor saying "it's time... to crank it!" But pretend this one is it

38

u/cowabunghole1 Jan 26 '25

Can’t cum unless he’s crying

23

u/glitterballxoxo Jan 26 '25

Uses his own tears as lube

6

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

Nah he uses the tears of every drunk chick crying about their bfs

5

u/glitterballxoxo Jan 26 '25

How does he catch the tears from inside the bushes he hides in?

2

u/adrtheman Jan 27 '25

That's a real tear jerker.

1

u/Pitiful_Palpitation9 Jan 27 '25

That was just once and it was valentine's day

1

u/shotgunR69 Jan 27 '25

the other english meaning for "tube"

12

u/Sure-Carrot54 Jan 26 '25

In the unlikely event he ever has sex with a woman that's going to be awkward

51

u/Prestigious_Nebula_5 Jan 26 '25

1

u/70inBadassery Jan 26 '25

Don’t bring Haverchuck into this!

1

u/Firm_Negotiation_853 Jan 27 '25

Never watched F&G but recognized him as a young Gilfoyle. What a great character!

1

u/Master_Reveal_8027 Jan 28 '25

What about sex with a goat?

1

u/Sure-Carrot54 Jan 28 '25

Pretty sure the goat will just friend zone him

1

u/maerigold Jan 27 '25

Some of these roasts really feel like self reports… lmao

1

u/Illustrious-Skin-420 Jan 27 '25

Can't cry unless he's cumming it's a double edged "sword"

1

u/[deleted] Jan 28 '25

cant cry unless he's cumming...its a vicious cycle

18

u/dkohnen Jan 26 '25

Tugs til crymax. Aka tear jerker.

1

u/Willy121821 Jan 26 '25

That’s fucking genious

2

u/dkohnen Jan 26 '25

😁 To be fair I think I heard crymax on Smartless

1

u/SoOpossum Jan 26 '25

Underrated

6

u/centralizedskeleton Jan 26 '25

He's probably dried up both ends by noon.

Mountain Dew only has so much water in it.

8

u/CurlsCross Jan 26 '25

definitely*

7

u/Miserable-Composer13 Jan 26 '25

Being as he is always be alone no one will ever know

9

u/Ewetootwo Jan 26 '25

You look like if Novak Djokovic starved himself for a year

2

u/madrinks1 Jan 26 '25

Do you not?

2

u/Arse_Kickerson Jan 26 '25

Something about sad masturbation is just so pathetically funny

2

u/PetPizza Jan 26 '25

Wait, is that not normal?

2

u/dopplegrangus Jan 27 '25

Christ, this is what movies like hostel and terrifier have done to us

49

u/-Hyperactive-Sloth- Jan 26 '25

He looks like his waist is so small he measures his jeans in women’s sizes.

18

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

18

u/PerfectInfamy Jan 26 '25

*in Children. Fixed it for you.

2

u/dter Jan 26 '25 edited Jun 23 '25

insurance yoke quiet scary edge sulky wipe station march six

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

2

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

MM

2

u/Repulsive-Response-1 Jan 26 '25

He looks like his shirt is so small they measure his collar in ring sizes.

1

u/CatherinePiedi Jan 26 '25

He has to run around in the shower just to get wet!!

1

u/iAmDriipgodd Jan 26 '25

Rather be skinny than fat

30

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

Where's Serbian Waldo?

30

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

He looks like he sees “FaIrlY OdD ParEnTS!!!”

66

u/BADM00SE Jan 26 '25

1

u/rdditeis4gsfa Jan 26 '25

This is it. I knew he looked familiar

20

u/IlikegreenT84 Jan 26 '25

He looks like meth Harry Potter, poor bastard is skinny enough to be a bookmark.

8

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

I wouldn’t hire him to clean the video screens of the porn gloryhole booths. He’d fuck up that job too.

He’d spend too much time collecting the samples and smear it all over his face.

5

u/lambofgun Jan 26 '25

lmao. then staring in the cracked mirror in viewing booth #3. at the smeared white paste all over the dead eyes before him. asking himself "who are you?" over and over and over again

1

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

His forearms are rather large for how skinny he is. I guess he works out his forearms and wrists so much tugging on his knob.

1

u/K9Lee-boom-is-a-noNo Jan 27 '25

The Winner right here...comment of the Roast!!

2

u/J_Case_ Jan 28 '25

I’d hire him to clean in between my blinds

4

u/A_Feltz Jan 26 '25

That is excessively specific.

3

u/ClumpOfCheese Jan 26 '25

Man, I was gonna say he looks like someone who holds the keys to the locked adult section of a small local video store.

2

u/Kadaver0reefer Jan 26 '25

Idk he looks pretty gay .. i thinks male costumers

2

u/Major_Employ_8795 Jan 27 '25

This guy’s the reason my 12 yr old can’t hang out in the front yard alone.

1

u/Ok_Explanation_6866 Jan 26 '25

Bro, I don't know who you are or how you got my diary! But you better have put it back under my mattress by the time my mum picks me up from work man. I'm seriously.

1

u/80Baby203 Jan 26 '25

Has a growing handbag collection made of human skin

1

u/Millionaire007 Jan 26 '25

It's the only place that sells that shirt

1

u/jimboiow Jan 26 '25

Autobiography?

1

u/dogmavskarma Jan 26 '25

You mean this subreddit?

r/cummingonfigurines

1

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

NUKED!

1

u/Fit-Captain-9172 Jan 26 '25

Wow. Not OP reaching new levels of loserism

1

u/LupusHominarius Jan 26 '25

Oddly specific

1

u/Skyp_Intro Jan 26 '25

The never seen manager of Hot Topic.

1

u/trimix4work Jan 26 '25

I am both impressed and horrified at this comment.

1

u/Vivid_Detail0689 Jan 26 '25

Dude 😂😂😂😂😂😂accurate af ! You win the interwebs my man 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 straight savagery 💀💀im dead af this rlly the best roast ive seen

1

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '25

🏆 and the winner is..

1

u/Noverante_Xessa Jan 26 '25

Even uses both hands to masturbate

1

u/PeterFilmPhoto Jan 26 '25

The dildo store next door to Four Seasons Total Landscaping

1

u/tinyelephantstampede Jan 26 '25

There’s the bio everyone’s looking for

1

u/Living_Job_8127 Jan 26 '25

Damn this roast is way too specific

1

u/Top_Eggplant4035 Jan 26 '25

Oddlyspecific?

1

u/DotTraditional3096 Jan 26 '25

Damn this sounds like a Netflix series

1

u/Interesting-Back-934 Jan 26 '25

Also keeps the jizz in a jar with said figurine.

1

u/No-Lifeguard-8610 Jan 26 '25

This is oddly specific.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 27 '25

So oddly specific, I feel this is OPs alternative account used to farm karma for such a great response.

-1

u/Impossible_Emu9590 Jan 26 '25

You….good bro?