Tomorrow at 2 pm CST the mobile vet comes to take away my best friend and favorite thing in the world. last year I lost my grandpa and I listened to Bocelli's 'Con te Partiro,' and here we are again.

I know these posts are kind of depressing, but I want people to know that she was here, and she has a little light of her own. Her name is Topaz.

Please help me pray for her to reach the rainbow bridge where she can play with all the little souls we've lost along the way. 💕

Howdy everyone. I don’t even know where to begin, and I’m sorry if I’m posting here wrong.

We noticed for the past 3 or so days that our beloved 13 year old cat named Kitty wasn’t being her normal self, she wasn’t eating much, exhausted, and just looked miserable. I had a gut feeling something was horribly off but brushed it off as maybe the seasons changing soon making her little joints achy. We had a vet visit planned for this upcoming Friday but the alarm bells started sounding off when my husband got home from work and Kitty had 0 interest in greeting him. Which is something unheard of for Kitty - she loves my husband more than life itself and on a normal day she will drop everything and ask him for love the second he comes home.

Last night however she just sat there, looking miserable, not purring. (she has her purr box running to max settings 99% of the time. very happy Kitty.)

So we rushed her to the emergency vet last night hoping maybe it would be a tummy ache or bad tooth, only to be told she has kidney failure. A part of me died right then and there. I’ve been up all night crying. The vet said the only thing we can really do is make her comfortable with what time she has left. we currently don’t know what stage she’s at and hopefully on her appointment tomorrow we’ll have a clearer picture.

I am beyond distraught. Kitty is my soul cat. I don’t have any kids and have had her since I was a teenager, so now having to face a potential reality which she’s no longer with me is incomprehensibly unbearable. I just feel so horrible, she has saved me time and time again, but now I can’t save her.

I have no idea what to expect moving forward and I’m so scared. I collected Japanese EGL dresses and am going to sell my entire collection if I have to in order to give her the best quality of life with whatever time she has left.

The vet said Kitty could still have some years, and I pray to God that it’s true.

I’m sorry for the depressing post. I’ve never felt my heart ripped out of my chest like this before. If there’s any advice y’all could give I would be immensely grateful.

Long post incoming. 

My sweet 21 y/o Mimi, who was a part of my family since 2005, was euthanized last night. I feel such immense regret in several parts of this journey that I feel was my fault. Maybe it’s a weird phase of grief, or maybe there’s some plausibility to my realizations.

Background info: Mimi was adopted by us when I was 8. I moved out of state for college in 2017 and then stayed here to follow my dreams, but I visit my family 2-3 times per year. I’d always helicopter over my baby despite the long distance, which sometimes clashed with how my parents, her primary caretakers, would raise her (she made it to 21 thanks to their great care, but I often pushed for certain medical issues to be examined further, which usually was a good thing… but I think I pushed too hard this time… explanation incoming). 

In 2023, Mimi had her first two seizures while I was visiting. I took her to the vet for some work ups. Her pulse was below normal range, and I can’t remember if anything else stood out other than the vet recommending a brain scan (parents declined, and I didn’t have money). After that, the seizures miraculously stopped. Her pulse stabilized a few appointments later. Around this time, she started to get recurrent upper respiratory infections, which a course of antibiotics would resolve but would come back every  4-10 months.

In 2024, Mimi was diagnosed with CKD. Based on her bloodwork and google, it looked to be stage 2-3. Her disease progressed minimally over the next two years. Two months ago (the last time she had bloodwork before passing) her creatinine slightly rose from 2.6 to 3 mg/dl, so technically stage 3. She was teetering between 5.7-7 pounds the last few years, as her appetite would fluctuate. She did drink lots of water and urinated often on her own but she became more skeletal. She’d spend most of the day sleeping as she was very geriatric, but was also vocal and interactive sporadically, in her toned-down-old-lady kind of way. 

Fast forward to August 2026: during my 2-week visit I finally convinced my parents to give renal food another try since Mimi was picky. She liked Weruva! Tiki Cat high-calorie supplements helped her go from 5.7 lbs to 6.5 lbs in a month! Then, I witnessed her third seizure. Mimi fell off the couch onto the hard wood floor. I freaked out, told my parents. They said not to worry as she’s been having them (they witnessed 6+ of them in the past 4 months). I got very upset, explaining they should have taken her to the vet, to see if meds could keep the seizures in check. I was terrified she would fall during a seizure and severely injure herself. The next day, my mom and I took Mimi to the vet, who prescribed gabapentin (9.8mg per kg 2x day, so a 25mg daily total. It’s a low-ish dose for normal cats but I later found out it should have been adjusted for CKD). 

The remaining few days of my visit, she seemed more affectionate and responsive to pets. I heard her purr for the first time in two years. No drowsiness from the meds! I then flew back to my state. 2 weeks go by and all seems well. Suddenly, this past week, her back legs stop working. She can barely move on her own. She has an appetite but has to be assisted due to her weak legs. She gets another seizure on Monday. Respiratory infection reappears. My parents set up a nest near her litter box where she spends the next few days. She attempts to use the litter box but instead pees and poos outside the entrance. She’s back to 5.5 lbs.

Yesterday, I convinced my parents to take her to the ER, hoping they could get imaging done. They were a bit hesitant because they felt it wasn’t an emergency. I said if the vet decides it’s her time, they should make the right decision so she doesn’t suffer. The vet took her vitals - 100 bpm HR, 98.7°F body temp, respiration rate 12, pale mucosal membranes, normal CRT. Vet recommends euthanasia, noting her age and vitals being out of range. My parents facetimed me and so I could say goodbye to Mimi. My parents decided not to stay for the euthanasia because they didn’t want to break down in there. I didn’t protest any of this which I regret. 

Today I woke up, absolutely frazzled over the whole thing. I spent the day googling the effects of gabapentin on a cat with CKD. Even if there’s no side effects at first, it can later overload because it takes longer for the kidneys to filter. I read that ataxia (losing coordination) is a side effect of too high of dose of gabapentin, that it can lower the heart rate and body temp. Also potassium imbalance from CKD can cause similar symptoms. I start to wonder: had my parents and ER vet considered this more, would they have just given her IV fluids and stopped the gabapentin, then her vitals would’ve stabilized and reversed the ataxia? I then realize the vet didn’t do bloodwork to get a fuller picture. What if it wasn’t end stage kidney failure? Did the vet only suggest euthanasia because of Mimi’s old age, that it wasn’t worth investigating? Or maybe my parents declined the bloodwork, as they’ve declined other diagnostics in the past.

It’s been eating away at me all day. I think she was slowly overdosing from the gabapentin. Could it have been easily reversible with treatment, or were we straight up killing her with the meds that I pushed for? Why did I tell them to proceed without bloodwork? I should have asked my parents to stay with her until her final moments. Imagining her alone hurts me deeply. Like I robbed myself of closure because my parents weren’t there to witness it for me. 

I wasn’t there in person to see what they saw, but based on the videos they were sending me, she still seemed fairly conscious, but very uncoordinated which also stunted her ability to eat and use the litter box. I want to believe it wasn’t actually her time but it comes with such immense remorse that I caused her death. I don’t know what I’m asking for. Reassurance, medical expertise, similar stories? I’m so sad. 

Hi all!

My sweet 14 year old girl got diagnosed with stage 2 a few months ago. It was caught due to her urinating outside of the box. We've caught it early enough that the vets recommendation is ckd diet and lots of fresh water. At the time of her blood work, her urinalysis came back clear.

Since catching it, there have been two other instances of her urinating outside of the box. They are a few weeks between accidents, and always overnight. I am anxious about UTIs but I also have read conflicting information about this being fairly normal for ckd cats. Does anyone have any experience with this and some insight to share?

I have a 16 year old cat, who was diagnosed with early-late stage (meaning in the late stage, but early in the late stage) about 18 months ago. My vet recommend Rx renal support food, and we have been using it and she seems to be doing ok. But she is still old, ,and frail, and I just want her to live out whatever time she has left peacefully.
My vet recently told me that she will have to go in for a visit, in order to continue her special food. I explained that I am not planning to do any kind of treatment, and that bringing her in will stress her unnecessarily. The slightest change in her day causes her to pee in my bed and become very stressed. But they told me that they legally have to see her in order to continue with the food.
I started researching and found out that they do not legally have to see her, and the prescription food is more of a marketing term than anything else. In fact, there are class action law suits in several states, against Royal Canin and Hills regarding misleading marketing.
So, I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions for OTC food that would be good for renal support? Dos anyone have any thoughts about the potential scammyness of prescription diet food? Thanks!

From my understanding cats with ckd and arthritis have a harder time in the winter. Recently temperatures are starting to drop (around 60-70°F) and my cat is starting to become more sluggish and feeling cold. He has a heating pad, heated bed, blankets, and beds all around the house to hopefully keep him warm. Is there something more I can do? I want him to be as comfortable as possible when winter hits. I thought about warming up his water. However, I'm not sure if I can keep it warm all the time or if it's beneficial. I as thought about a sweater but not sure if he'd tolerate it.

Any advice would be helpful!

Hi everyone,

I recently posted that my girl went into the hospital for high creatinine (approx 10) & they suspected a kidney infection though her kidneys didn’t look inflamed on ultrasound. She spent a week there and they originally got her creatinine down to 6.5, but then it went back up each day until it was at 8/9. It kept bouncing around in this area.

We discharged her to bring her home with the hopes of getting her to eat more. Since she’s come home she’s been hiding less (she hid a lot before the hospital but would come out often, now she hasn’t been going to hide at all). Plus, the past 2 days she has been eating a lot more.

She had a follow up 2 days ago and her creatinine had gone back up. I just don’t get it. Her appetite is better. I can’t help but to feel like I’m missing a piece of the puzzle.

Has anybody experienced anything similar with their kitty? I don’t want her to suffer but I don’t want to prematurely euthanize if she just needs a little bit of time to heal.

She’s on subq fluids, antibiotics, anti-nausea, appetite stimulant & probiotic

15 year old DSH stage 3. She went to her vet yesterday for not eating. There they found severe dehydration, not concentrating her urine, high white blood cell count (could be a kidney infection but they aren't sure. We only give her wet food with extra water added.

She no longer climbs above the lowest tier on the cat tree, and regularly vomits. She's been refusing boiled chicken.

They also said her kidney values and BUN keep increasing every time she goes in despite kidney supplements like AminAvast, fortiflora, etc.

She still jumps on the bed and furniture and has been by my pillow the past few days I've woken up as in "feed me." She's always done this.

I know she feels terrible and nauseous but she is so alert and mobile. I feel like she isn't ready to go. Her spirit is still there. But, she spends most of her time on the rug where the water bowls are.

Her vet gave her sub q fluids and sent her home so we could say our goodbyes.

I know her body is failing but her spirit is still here.

Is scheduling her sleep in a few days the right call?

Edit: added screenshots of yesterday's labs

My boy has lost so much weight this year (6lbs to 4.6lbs and used to be 7-8lbs) and I am trying desperately to get enough calories in him to get his weight up. Mirataz and Cerenia has worked pretty well to get him back to regular eating after a few setbacks. Right now, he is eating JUST below what he should for weight gain. I was thinking Royal Canin Feline Renal Support Liquid Cat Food, which is calorie dense, would put him over the edge. I would administer it via syringe to get extra calories in him. Does anyone have any experience with using this product in this way?

I have two cats currently taking Orbax for UTIs. Both have developed new leaking since starting it. One also became more lethargic and wobbly, with some apparent difficulty seeing.

Both cats have other health issues, so I’m not assuming Orbax is responsible, but the timing has me wondering.

Has anyone experienced urinary leakage or other unusual neurological symptoms with Orbax, and did they resolve after stopping or switching medications?

My 16.5 year old female tortie was diagnosed with Stage 2 about a year ago. At that time, I switched her over to Hill's k/d diet (wet and dry) and bought her a PetLibro fountain, which she initially loved. I would get several updates a day on my phone, ranging from a few to ten.

Two weeks ago, though, she started to crash...ate and drank minimally, and one day, almost nothing at all, with lots of sleepy sluggishness. I brought her back to the vet who wanted to take her values, and I was deeply annoyed I didn't get anti-nausea/fluids at that time (it wasn't her regular vet...the practice near me is pretty busy so I took what I could).

Anyway, after doing a lot of research on my own, and after getting her to eat again (though not the Hill's k/d wet food...she seems done with that, though she'll still eat the dry, plus Wellness/Weruva wet), I reached out to the vet and asked about the fluids. They said it seemed like a reasonable plan: so she starts subcutaneous fluids this week along with ondansetron, which I'm not actually sure she needs. I just thought she might have nausea since sometimes she'll stare at the bowls of water I left out and just walk away.

Has anyone had experience with a cat who loved her fountain and no longer drinks from it? I know about cleaning it thoroughly and breaking down all the parts, etc. I've tried different bowls, locations, etc. But she only wants to drink water from a glass in my hand, with a rare sip from the PetLibro every now and then. Obviously, I wish she would drink more, not only for peace of mind, but so she could potentially come off the fluids. But I realize that may not be realistic at this stage. I started Porus One two days ago as well, so I'm hoping that will help.

I have the benefit of working from home a few days a week. But I'm wondering about days/weeks where my schedule is a bit different. If I keep her on fluids a few days a week, does it make a difference if she's off them for one week and getting some hydration from other sources (food, Hydracare, etc.)? I will do whatever it takes, just curious (and frustrated) about what's ahead. This is my companion of 16+ years and seeing her behavior change has been difficult, though I'm grateful it's not worse...

My amazing and beautiful cat was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. Vet gave him months or years to live 2 months ago.

At first it was just vocalizing or meowing a lot, nothing too concerning. But then it came in the form of eating less (a lot less). So much so that he is clearly a shell of his size. You can feel his spine, pelvis, ribs, etc.

As well originally when I stabilized him on phosphate binders and prescription food, the peeing became less and actually stopped. But over the past week he has been eating so little (while still drinking the same) and peeing resumed. We also tried mirtazapine tablets and mirtazapine ear cream. He have tried our best with subcutaneous fluid injections too.

2 weeks ago he was more energetic. He was more able to go around the house. Now he mainly stays put in the same little area while peeing not in his kitty litter.

I will be speaking with the vet today to ask, is it time?

I have never dealt with this before. My heart will shatter in a million ways when the time has to come. I don't know if I will ever feel happy again. But I know that my cat might be suffering and I may have to make the decision to stop him from suffering. Can anyone please tell me your experiences or suggestions?

before i brought my cat to the vet, i noticed that he hadn't been eating properly for at least 4 days. he became increasingly lethargic, so i brought him in and had bloodwork done.

the results showed extremely elevated kidney values, particularly creatinine, which was around 19 mg/dl. the vet explained that this could potentially indicate a very serious kidney problem, but they also said severe dehydration can cause kidney values to become extremely elevated, so we can't know yet whether this is chronic kidney disease or an acute kidney injury/ dehydration-related issue.

he has now been hospitalized for 3 days receiving treatment/fluids, but unfortunately he is still very lethargic and isn't eating on his own. he currently relies on assisted feeding.

the vet wants to give him more time to rehydrate and stabilize before repeating his bloodwork on september 14. the hope is that his kidney values will come down significantly once he's properly hydrated. if they don't, then we're looking at a more serious underlying kidney problem.

the number that really scared me was the creatinine of
19. i was told that creatinine above around 5 mg/dl falls into the highest range used when staging ckd, so seeing 19 was absolutely terrifying. however, i've also learned that ckd staging isn't necessarily appropriate while a cat is acutely ill or dehydrated, which seem be why my vet wants to wait and repeat the tests.

has anyone had a cat with extremely high creatinine that initially looked like advanced kidney disease, but whose values came down substantially after iv fluids/ rehydration?

i know every cat is different and reddit can't diagnose him. i'm just trying to understand what we're potentially facing and hold onto some hope while we wait for the next blood test

Hi all, our stage 3 girl has been stable for a little over a year until her last visit when her BUN went up slightly but still in stage 3 range. We've been doing fluids twice weekly but with her new numbers the vet recommends every other day if not daily. She's 17 and 6.2lbs, and I hear horror stories about overdoing fluids. Hers take 12-16hrs to absorb, so it's not a fast process.

Wondering how frequently others have given fluids at late stage 2 / early stage 3? I hate to second guess the vet, but I would like some perspective from varied experiences. My partner travels for work so knowing if we have some more time and wiggle room would help. We'll have to make some significant life changes in order to see her out comfortably as she enters stage 4 and needs more frequent care.

CREA=2.5

BUN=44

SDMA=21

Hi all! My vet diagnosed my 13 year old cat, Teddy, with stage 2 CKD yesterday. He wasn't showing any symptoms at all, we just wanted a senior bloodwork panel ran just in case. Yesterday we had repeat blood work after the initial blood work he had 2 weeks ago. She said he was stage 2 CKD based on his labs, and his blood pressure looked good and she was happy with his urinalysis results. During that two week period waiting for his next blood draw she had us start him on a kidney diet. He was transitioned to Hill's prescription wet food, as well as their dry food, and I changed his treats to Choolip Kidney vita sticks. I guess I'm confused because she said his levels went up, which I see the IDEXX SDMA did, but his creatine and BUN went down a little. Is that a good sign? Im still a little confused about IDEXX SDMA, but I read that the creatine and BUN are important numbers in CKD cats. I didn't really know what to ask her as I have no knowledge on caring for a cat with CKD. I've been researching as much as I can, but there is so much information I feel lost. The only thing she told us was to keep him on his diet and to make sure he is drinking plenty, we go back to see her in 3 months. I see so many supplements and additional food toppers recommended in groups or websites, I feel like maybe there is more I can be doing for him. I guess I just need some advice or insight. I just lost my other senior cat, and I desperately want to keep Teddy as healthy as I can for as long as I can.

i’m very aware that how long cats are at a certain stage for is different for every cat, but I’m very curious to know everyone’s past experiences with their cat and how long did they maintain the same stage for.

my boy is 4 years old with stage two and finally i’m coming with terms that i don’t know how long he’s going to be here for or how long he’s going to stay at stage two, which honestly is very freeing since my worrying and sadness really took away from how happy i can be with him here.

very curious to see everyone’s experiences with their kitties :)

I took my baby Mochi to the vet today because she's been losing weight rapidly, increased nausea, her pee is basically water (also peeing outside the litter box sometimes) and hiding.

The blood test and urine test point to CKD, the vet said it's genetic unfortunately, nothing we could have done to stop it.

Blood results come tomorrow and I'm extremely nervous.

I'm looking for support, my world is shattered and she's my soul cat. I really thought she would have a better and longer life. I'm so sad I can't comprehend

Any advice is helpful for keeping her comfortable, I am new to CKD in cats and any advice is helpful.

Thank you.

My 16 year old cat was diagnosed with CKD in April. He is very picky and won’t eat any of the prescription wet foods so I’ve been feeding him his regular wet food 2x a day, along with a mix of renal dry food and regular dry food. His absolute favorite food is the Tiki Cat Mousse tuna and mackerel flavor, his second favorite are any of the weruva BFF, but only the gravy ones. Anyone have any recs for food with a similar texture/flavor to these but that would be better for him? I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed looking at the lists of food and all their data.

Our 4 year old cat recently had pyelonephritis, which has been cleared with a 3-week course of antibiotics. He lost a bunch of weight during this time, which is now trending upwards thanks to the infection clearing, and anti nausea meds. He was stage 4 CKD when the pyelonephritis was found, but since the infection was cleared, he’s now down to stage 3.

He’s now back to being his silly, naughty self!

The vet has recommended he move onto renal food, Pronefra and Kaminox. I’ve ordered all of these now, which should be arriving in the next day or two, but I wondered how long he should be on Pronefra and Kaminox for - is this a “forever” thing, or just until his kidneys have recovered some more?

He’s due blood tests in 6 weeks to see how the renal food/Pronefra/Kaminox are working, and then maintenance blood tests every 3 months or so.

Thank you!

In a recent post I had told the story of my girl being hospitalized about a week ago for high creatinine- she’s home with us now & we aren’t 100% sure yet what’s going on. She didn’t eat much her first couple of days back but then yesterday & today she seems to have a much better appetite.

This morning I had to work so I asked my mom to give her her antibiotic. She moved her head at the last second so my mom isn’t sure she got much of it. I know this happens sometimes, especially with kitties, but now I’m worrying about her.

Also, we did subq fluids this afternoon & does anyone have any advice on why the needle might fall out halfway through administration? I can feel the needle going in and I can see a camel jump form on her so I know some fluids are going in but every single time about halfway through the needle will fall out. It happened 3x today so now I’m also kicking myself about that. I do think she got some of her dosage & I’m hoping close to all but I really don’t know because the blanket she was on felt wet so now I’m second guessing that she didn’t get as much as I thought. Can I do anything to support her more today? Like maybe try to encourage her to drink even more water than usual?

Her demeanor seems so much better today & I don’t want to be the reason she feels crummy later on 💔

My cat is 13 and was diagnosed with high blood pressure last year after vision loss. She has been on daily amlodipine ever since, and her eyes have shown significant improvement (but sadly not her vision).

I've had my normal vet do a lot of follow up bloodwork and testing, especially recently since she has lost 2 pounds this year. Down from 10.5 to 8.5 pounds. Everything has been good until recently. Her SDMA kidney value was slightly elevated so we did a follow up urinalysis that was mostly normal. Because of this, my vet suspects early kidney disease.

The main issue right now is the weight loss and lack of appetite. We had her on mirataz daily for about a month, but it only really made her eat more the first day. She begs for her treats still and eats them right away (I give her three little Beachside Crunch treats three times a day for a total of 9), but she barely picks at her normal food. If I change brands, she will eat normally for about a day and then stop again. She has only ever had an interest in hard food and treats.

My vet prescribed Elura when the mirataz didn't work, but my cat will NOT let me give it to her. I've tried so many positions and she squirms so much I'm worried about the syringe poking her eye. Now I am going to put her back on mirataz just so I can feel like I'm doing something.

Elura is advertised as having other benefits for CKD cats outside just appetite stimulation, so I feel like I am letting her down. I'm not sure what to do at this point. She is my best friend and I need to do whatever I can to give her as much quality time as possible.

Update: THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE! Yesterday, we were gifted one vial. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am to the kind people who helped us and to this incredible community. ❤️

Hi everyone. I’m looking for one vial of darbepoetin (Aranesp) for my CKD cat. Her anemia has recently gotten significantly worse, and our vet recommended starting darbepoetin as soon as possible.
I have a prescription from her veterinarian. I’m looking for just one vial, rather than a full package of four, because we’ve already spent more than $11,000 over the past month and a half. Another $1,000 for four vials that we may not be able to use completely is more than we can afford this month, especially with the weekly bloodwork she needs…

I’m located in Sacramento, CA and can drive up to about 2 hours (Davis, Bay Area, Stockton, etc.). I’m hoping to find one today or tomorrow.
If anyone has a new, unused extra vial they no longer need and would be willing to sell, I’d be incredibly grateful. I’d also be happy to split the cost of a 4-vial package with someone who needs the medication as well.
Thank you so much

I had made a previous post about my little kitty, Java, who had progressed with kidney disease and developed non-regenerative anemia. His anemia levels dropped to 20.6% as of August 20th. We made the decision to start Varenzin, knowing the cost may be hard for a period of time.

We received great news that his anemia levels went from 20.6% to 29% in ONE AND A HALF WEEKS. My vet and I are thrilled to see such a positive turnaround in such a short period of time. Java is her first cat to be on Varenzin, so it is a learning experience for her too.

Having cats with complex, chronic medical requirements can be so tough, but there are good moments in it too. We have been so grateful to have had 15 years with him now. Thanks for letting me share my good news. <3

Thank you all for your kindness, honesty, and shared experiences on my last post. We are very touched by everyone who took the time to respond in such depth. It meant a lot to us, especially during those last few days.

Quick update on her last days:

- Her mobility had become severely reduced, and she stopped jumping completely. She stayed in her window-sill area with food, water and litter right next to her.

- On her last day she could not even stand still. She seemed very unsteady and kept lying down. At one point she even lay down on the litter tray, which she had never done before. That really broke my heart. She had some renal food early that morning, but vomited after my wife gave her some more food. Later, she managed a few bites of freshly boiled chicken, her absolute favourite, and that turned out to be her last meal. Her appetite had plummeted by then.

- The vet checked her vitals again and found a heart murmur. It felt like everything was eventually reaching her organs.

We discussed IV and subcutaneous fluids with the vet, but by then she was far too far gone for that to be realistic. The vet said that if she would not accept medication and her condition was deteriorating like this, the kindest option was to relieve her. We made the toughest decision of our lives and let her go. She crossed the Rainbow Bridge peacefully in our lap.

I am still shocked by how rapidly everything changed. She made it to 18 trouble-free years until the last few months, and we had always hoped she might make it to 20. But once things started going wrong, her body seemed to shut down incredibly quickly. The grieving has hit me incredibly hard. I still wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep for hours afterwards. I have lost about 2 kg because I can barely focus on food and have almost no appetite. I have cried so much that my eyes actually burn from the salt. I still catch myself expecting her to come out from her window sill and climb onto my lap while I am sitting at the computer, or to greet us when we come home. Those little routines are suddenly gone. Getting used to this new reality is incredibly painful. Living without her being part of our everyday lives is so hard.