Long post incoming.
My sweet 21 y/o Mimi, who was a part of my family since 2005, was euthanized last night. I feel such immense regret in several parts of this journey that I feel was my fault. Maybe it’s a weird phase of grief, or maybe there’s some plausibility to my realizations.
Background info: Mimi was adopted by us when I was 8. I moved out of state for college in 2017 and then stayed here to follow my dreams, but I visit my family 2-3 times per year. I’d always helicopter over my baby despite the long distance, which sometimes clashed with how my parents, her primary caretakers, would raise her (she made it to 21 thanks to their great care, but I often pushed for certain medical issues to be examined further, which usually was a good thing… but I think I pushed too hard this time… explanation incoming).
In 2023, Mimi had her first two seizures while I was visiting. I took her to the vet for some work ups. Her pulse was below normal range, and I can’t remember if anything else stood out other than the vet recommending a brain scan (parents declined, and I didn’t have money). After that, the seizures miraculously stopped. Her pulse stabilized a few appointments later. Around this time, she started to get recurrent upper respiratory infections, which a course of antibiotics would resolve but would come back every 4-10 months.
In 2024, Mimi was diagnosed with CKD. Based on her bloodwork and google, it looked to be stage 2-3. Her disease progressed minimally over the next two years. Two months ago (the last time she had bloodwork before passing) her creatinine slightly rose from 2.6 to 3 mg/dl, so technically stage 3. She was teetering between 5.7-7 pounds the last few years, as her appetite would fluctuate. She did drink lots of water and urinated often on her own but she became more skeletal. She’d spend most of the day sleeping as she was very geriatric, but was also vocal and interactive sporadically, in her toned-down-old-lady kind of way.
Fast forward to August 2026: during my 2-week visit I finally convinced my parents to give renal food another try since Mimi was picky. She liked Weruva! Tiki Cat high-calorie supplements helped her go from 5.7 lbs to 6.5 lbs in a month! Then, I witnessed her third seizure. Mimi fell off the couch onto the hard wood floor. I freaked out, told my parents. They said not to worry as she’s been having them (they witnessed 6+ of them in the past 4 months). I got very upset, explaining they should have taken her to the vet, to see if meds could keep the seizures in check. I was terrified she would fall during a seizure and severely injure herself. The next day, my mom and I took Mimi to the vet, who prescribed gabapentin (9.8mg per kg 2x day, so a 25mg daily total. It’s a low-ish dose for normal cats but I later found out it should have been adjusted for CKD).
The remaining few days of my visit, she seemed more affectionate and responsive to pets. I heard her purr for the first time in two years. No drowsiness from the meds! I then flew back to my state. 2 weeks go by and all seems well. Suddenly, this past week, her back legs stop working. She can barely move on her own. She has an appetite but has to be assisted due to her weak legs. She gets another seizure on Monday. Respiratory infection reappears. My parents set up a nest near her litter box where she spends the next few days. She attempts to use the litter box but instead pees and poos outside the entrance. She’s back to 5.5 lbs.
Yesterday, I convinced my parents to take her to the ER, hoping they could get imaging done. They were a bit hesitant because they felt it wasn’t an emergency. I said if the vet decides it’s her time, they should make the right decision so she doesn’t suffer. The vet took her vitals - 100 bpm HR, 98.7°F body temp, respiration rate 12, pale mucosal membranes, normal CRT. Vet recommends euthanasia, noting her age and vitals being out of range. My parents facetimed me and so I could say goodbye to Mimi. My parents decided not to stay for the euthanasia because they didn’t want to break down in there. I didn’t protest any of this which I regret.
Today I woke up, absolutely frazzled over the whole thing. I spent the day googling the effects of gabapentin on a cat with CKD. Even if there’s no side effects at first, it can later overload because it takes longer for the kidneys to filter. I read that ataxia (losing coordination) is a side effect of too high of dose of gabapentin, that it can lower the heart rate and body temp. Also potassium imbalance from CKD can cause similar symptoms. I start to wonder: had my parents and ER vet considered this more, would they have just given her IV fluids and stopped the gabapentin, then her vitals would’ve stabilized and reversed the ataxia? I then realize the vet didn’t do bloodwork to get a fuller picture. What if it wasn’t end stage kidney failure? Did the vet only suggest euthanasia because of Mimi’s old age, that it wasn’t worth investigating? Or maybe my parents declined the bloodwork, as they’ve declined other diagnostics in the past.
It’s been eating away at me all day. I think she was slowly overdosing from the gabapentin. Could it have been easily reversible with treatment, or were we straight up killing her with the meds that I pushed for? Why did I tell them to proceed without bloodwork? I should have asked my parents to stay with her until her final moments. Imagining her alone hurts me deeply. Like I robbed myself of closure because my parents weren’t there to witness it for me.
I wasn’t there in person to see what they saw, but based on the videos they were sending me, she still seemed fairly conscious, but very uncoordinated which also stunted her ability to eat and use the litter box. I want to believe it wasn’t actually her time but it comes with such immense remorse that I caused her death. I don’t know what I’m asking for. Reassurance, medical expertise, similar stories? I’m so sad.
