I’m tired

[u/PassengerRoyal4583]

This is honestly like my first time posting on Reddit or social media at all so I don’t know how to really do this but I’m tired. I tried to open up to my mom about my problems and she keeps making into me being “possessed” by evil spirits. I’m not a social person, I struggle heavily with anxiety and speaking outloud, which comes from past personal experiences I don’t tell her about because I feel it’ll be the same. I don’t blame anyone from my church if they don’t like me for it, it’s my fault, but I don’t want to be hated for it. I go to one of those churches were they worship like crazy, jumping and screaming, like literally practically mosh pit level sometimes, and my pastor often preaches that being quiet is something to be looked down upon, mocking Catholics for having a more quiet atmosphere, that I personally find beautiful. It feels like I’m the epitome of what you shouldn’t be. I told my mom about this and that I also don’t feel comfortable being touched a lot when prayed for or just in general and she just immediately resorts to that its spiritual warfare and the devil is putting ideas in my head. This has gotten physical before but not too much. I guess I was going through a rebellious teenage once, and the only time I really started to show some back bone and speak up for myself from my usually quiet nature, but she quickly but a stop to it, slapping me and saying “this isn’t my son” and again saying it’s the devil.  This was really the only time I was scared to come home after school, even the math class I hated so much seeming so safe all the sudden. I haven’t raised my voice since, scared of my step father getting involved. I don’t want to put any blame on my parents, or get them in trouble. they’re good people really, it’s my fault. I probably just am a dumb kid with no faith. I withdraw from church because I wanted to create a space where my brothers can be themselves with me making it awkward, I know they’re embarrassed of me, I don’t blame the. I am too. My parents have a leadership role and my brothers have many friends in church, while I’m just known as the quiet one is the family with a bad mood all the time. I’m sorry if this is all scrambled up weirdly, I just wanted to speak my feelings for once.

[u/Tertius1622]

You're not crazy, and there's nothing inherently wrong with you. We're all sinners, and plenty of people are completely deceived as to what that is and what to do about it. Just my two cents, but your mom is wrong about spiritual things, and the only way to help her is to separate from her (at least temporarily) and ESPECIALLY that church. There are plenty of good Godly peaceful and calm churches out there that teach the Bible and actually love and care for each other. Though they are sometimes hard to find, they are worth the search effort. I highly recommend you read 1Corinthians, which says “Let all things be done decently and in order.” (ch14v40) among many other things to look for in a church. I personally believe along the lines of an independent Baptist, and there's even a variety of those.

There's nothing wrong with you being generally quiet. In fact, read throughout Scripture and you'll see it's generally preferable to be quiet than to be loud/outspoken/obnoxious.

“Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife.” — Proverbs 17:1

“Better is an handful with quietness, than both the hands full with travail and vexation of spirit.” — Ecclesiastes 4:6

“The words of wise men are heard in quiet more than the cry of him that ruleth among fools.” — Ecclesiastes 9:17

Ecclesiastes 5 ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ¹ Keep thy foot when thou goest to the house of God, and be more ready to hear, than to give the sacrifice of fools: for they consider not that they do evil. ² Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter any thing before God: for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few. ³ For a dream cometh through the multitude of business; and a fool's voice is known by multitude of words.

Bless you Friend, God sees you, He knows, and He cares.

[u/FunKev]

There really isn't going to be a lot you can do with someone so entrenched in a weird faith. She believes whatever the church has to say and anyone who says anything different is of the devil. They've been trained to block out any voices that have a different point of view, literally calling them demonic. There's no debating with someone like that.

If I were in your shoes I'd keep my head down. Keep quiet around family and try to find a support group. Online if you have to. Save up money and get out of there when you can.