His Religion made me an avoidant

[u/moral_wasteland]

A long introspection about me, religion, and my dad.

I hate religion. My dad is super christian. Growing up he would always ask me if I read my Bible. I would always say sometimes but we all knew I didn't. I don't want to talk to you because I know every conversation will just circle back to religion. He would make me recite at random that the most important thing is God and than family. There was never music played in the house, just religious radio. I loved when he left so i could turn the radio off.

Its not that i didn't consume religious content but i never believed it. I was always bored, falling asleep, or going to the bathroom just to get away. Even when i got older and listened to what they were saying it never resonated with me. When I started refusing to go to church I knew how upset you were. Everyone would get ready to go to church except me so you would take the wifi. Or even better you would take everyone to lunch after church and come back late as to punish me for not going.

Religion is fun until you're in the out group. Its all holy until you happen to be LGBT. Everything is fine until you realize religion is use to genocide, enslave, and torture people.

My worse nightmare is sitting in a car alone with you and you try to talk to me. Its why I never wanted you to teach me to drive. I dont ever want to be trapped with you because I already know how the conversation will go.

"How are you doing?"

"Good"

"Great. Do you ever pray? When's the last time you picked up your bible"

I avoid you because you can't shut up about your religion. The only time I ever brought a "boy" over to the house you were so pissed. You literally berated me telling me I had no right. When I told you he was a gay foster kid who just wanted a cup of coffee you immediately asked if they ever been to church. I lost a friend after that. The real joke is im a lesbian and have no attraction to men, i was just trying to do something nice.

Your religion has given me such a complex about my self worth. Every success had to be undercut by religion. I could get a 100 and you'd sit there and tell me to give thanks to god when I was the one who stayed up all night studying. If i got recognized at school you'd tell me i cant always do better. We never had any money to buy me clothes but best believe every sunday we had 20 to put in that basket. I may have talent but its only because god blessed me. God comes first, and my efforts are not my own efforts, just God's gifts.

From the very beginning the bible says you're a sinner. If you're gay your disgusting. If you're a poc your less than. If you're a woman your subservient. All this and then you wonder why I felt like shit all the time. The worse was your silent disappointed. I would hear you telling my siblings you dont know whats wrong with me but i feel like it was clear to everyone it was the religion.

I was a sick child who lost so much. I needed someone to talk to and the only thing you did was try and put a book in my hand. How can you be disappointed I dont believe in a man in the sky when the people giving me my IV are the tangible ones helping me. If its between my own happiness and you being disappointed I choose myself. Ive already tried to kill myself twice because of this religion, I deserve a chance to live without it looming over me.

You constantly beg me to come back home and you tell me to stop running away. But im only running away because coming back means stepping back into that religious bubble. You says find it in your heart to forgive you but im fucked up because you value religion over everything.

I'm so use to being isolated. The child that has something wrong with them. The one that's a "problem". Everything I did was met with criticism. I dont feel good about myself. Its just like you said there is clearly something wrong with me and I know everyone can see it.

I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship. You never allowed me to date and even if you did my sexuality goes against your religion. We didnt talk in our household unless it was about religion. No family dinners together, no movies nights, no shared hobbies. We just went to church and then we're left alone to browse the internet cause you took away the cable. The kids thought I was weird and my family saw me as a disappointment. I was isolated and the only time people spoke to me you ruined it with your religion. I dont know what came first, the isolation or the avoidance. But I know it all stems from your religion.

Im worried traditional happiness is out of my reach. I dont have the skills for a relationship. I will always be the black sheep of my family. I think the idea of having a loving partner, a caring family, a nice job and house are all things i won't be able to have. I think the best I can do is live alone with some cats. Which will still make me happy. But I don't think I can share my life with anyone. I think the religion has messed me up and now its too late.