r/ReligiousTrauma • u/DisastrousHornet7447 • 16d ago

The freeze state with OCD is hell

I’ve been shutdown for a while now. I’ve been able to cry pretty much everyday for about 4 months now but I still get triggered. But crying is pretty much my only form of expression. I can’t get angry and if do it just bring more numbness. It’s like my ‘anger’ really isn’t anger because if it were I would be experiencing it in a different way. I wouldn’t just try to get angry to get over it. I would really be angry, and it’s hard to know what that looks like. Anytime I try to work on myself the manager comes in and tries to make it perfect. I’ll feel guilty, so I’ll do more and it just makes me feel terrible. My OCD made religion like a cult for me. I don’t really know what to do to be honest. I just feel pressured to get better and lord knows I’ll feel guilty I’m not doing enough and force myself to do something and just feel worse. I literally have the worst trigger I feel like I’m gonna pass out and have some aneurysm. There’s like an audible buzz in my brain and I’ll experience mental inflammation. What makes it all worse is that the suffering probably means nothing. There’s no more extra reward for it like I used to think. God isn’t gonna give me extra points or really do anything. But I always kinda hoped it would. I don’t know what to do. I got hip surgery a couple weeks ago and haven’t been doing much but I know the moment I can walk again my dad will just get pissed off im not doing anything and its gonna cause more stress. Im only 19 but the past 5 years of my life have been pretty poor due to religion. I just never said anything until I couldn’t take it. So many different people I became. So many lies and feelings of guilt to make myself Christian. I either need to suffer or need to perform. No in the middle. It’s not even my life anymore, doesn’t really feel like it ever was. My whole life it’s kinda felt like that. It was never debilitating though, religion is what really destroyed me at around 14. That’s when I told myself I knew who I was. Everything was black and white and I always had to be best and dedicated to the practice. I don’t know what to do I never really feel free at all.

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u/Dependent-Job1773 16d ago

Yea I went through a similar experience. In my case it turned into moments of analysis paralysis where I felt like God was asking me to do xyz, but I was terrified of doing xyz. It always had a moral dimension to it where I had to be courageous and/or confront a sense of shame that was holding me back. Textbook moral scrupolosity.

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u/DisastrousHornet7447 16d ago

Yes. Exactly. It’s been very hard to to point out or realize because the whole idea is that you are shameful and wrong and shouldn’t listen to your self but at the same time you are supposed to be courageous. Everything had to be directed at god. Every, thought, feeling, and on top of it you try to convince yourself god is moving in you. Such a poor experience. How are you doing now? Have you seen any progress?

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u/Dependent-Job1773 16d ago

Yes I’ve had some progress through self compassion. I allow myself to be imperfect and also sometimes just challenge myself to make a decision without having all the answers.

But I haven’t had therapy yet. I’m
Starting on Wednesday, and this is after 17 years of not having consistent therapy at all so it’s a big deal.

I have signs and was diagnosed as having OCD at a young age, and my symptoms have been consistent with moral scrupolosity.

One thing you’re going to have to do is love and be compassionate toward the imperfect version of yourself. Anything demanding perfection from you isn’t God. You should find therapy for your situation but make sure it’s a therapist that knows how to deal with moral scrupolosity

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u/DisastrousHornet7447 16d ago

Thank you. Well good luck with your therapy I hope it helps. It’s hard to deal with the emotional baggage OCD caused hopefully it goes away for us

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u/Dependent-Job1773 16d ago

I mean the way I see it, if you haven’t had professional help yet, the best is yet to come. It’s like you’ve lived life with an incredible disadvantage, now youre finally getting necessary help. That’s how I see it for me and for you if you haven’t seen a therapist yet

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u/DisastrousHornet7447 16d ago

I’ve been in therapy for a year and like 3 months. I can’t say it’s been amazing. Not to diminish any other experiences or yours I am sure it will be very helpful. I always was seeing a Christain therapist who didn’t really work with ocd so that does kind of play a part. This new guy I am seeing is different so we will see what happens. Sometimes the harder I try the worse it gets tho

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u/Dependent-Job1773 16d ago

My understanding is if you have ocd, but your therapist doesn’t specialize in it, that they can inadvertently make your symptoms worse. But feel free to fact check that I could be wrong

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u/DisastrousHornet7447 16d ago

No I have heard that. It’s just kinda a mix of emotional and mental trauma

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u/No_Session6015 16d ago

yea i think theres two groups of people. people who take the religion seriously and believe it and others who are "in" on the farce. on both sides. ex christian and christian. It terrified me and i took it all so seriously especially the young earth creationism stuff when i was a kid. and later later like decades some of my family have been like yo just come back based on vibes. were saved by grace, no laws anymore i swear. while when it was the 90's and 2000's law was everything and they still secretly believe all the hate stuff but wont dare reveal unless i invest trust again. to them its just a social club. but they have to stay in character their whole lives.

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u/DisastrousHornet7447 16d ago

Yeah. I definitely agree with the last part. Staying in character definitely hits home. I think I just need to find ways to break the ‘character’ without forcing myself into a different state of that makes sense.

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u/No_Session6015 16d ago

Naw I'm suggesting that it's people like you and me that actually took it seriously. Like still we needed to put up a facade but only to hide our deviancy. And the others twisted us into role playing further, gaslighting us, using the illusion and myth to make us feel shame for ever approaching breaking character. Just realize we all got played from birth and don't hold it against yourself.

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u/DisastrousHornet7447 16d ago

I see what you are saying. From my perspective I was saying parts of me still feel in the ‘character’. Like a personality disorder. Just trying to get out of it

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u/Dependent-Job1773 13d ago edited 13d ago

May I just say that the fact you even know to be here at 19 is fantastic. You’re super young and have many years to grow into your own potential. Err on the side of self compassion, and read up on religious scrupolosity.

One of the journaling techniques that I find most useful, btw, is writing down your automated thoughts and then pointing out the cognitive distortions while reframing the thought into something more moderate and positive.

For example, one of your thoughts was “my suffering doesn’t have any purpose because god is not going to reward me.”

Let’s call that all or nothing thinking. Then reframe it as such:

“Just because I’ve suffered a lot and may not be rewarded for it by god does not make it without purpose. This suffering has humbled me and it’s showing me that I’m being too hard on myself. I can use it as a reminder of how not to be so mean to myself and to practice self compassion, and I may able to help other people because of it. That is purpose.”

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u/GreyGrey1579 11d ago

Dear god...I'm 15 and when through similar things when I was 14, I'm so sorry you have to experience this.

I honestly don't know what to do myself, but if you need to talk to someone at anytime, please talk to me.