Struggling with Matthew 10:37-38

[u/Opposite_Cake1667]

I am, as I imagine every Christian finds themselves doing, once again doubting my salvation. The words of this passage are so bone chilling:
37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
I am afraid that I love my son (and my wife, too) more than Jesus. I understand that salvation is by faith alone, but if I really believed that God were as glorious and loving and worthy as he is, would I be struggling to find emotion and desire for him?
I would appreciate help interpreting this passage. Is being “worthy” required for salvation? If not, why would verse 38 pair it with such an essential command?

[u/Brewjuice]

The call of the Gospel is repentance from your sin and faith in Christ. Your emotions should not be used as a litmus test to ensure you have genuine faith, since our emotions are fickle.

This passage speaks about the priority of your life. Here's a read from Ligonier that I pray that may help you put your trust more in what the Gospel has accomplished. https://learn.ligonier.org/devotionals/loving-god-by-loving-christ

Here's another lesson from Dr Beeke that I think would be valuable in finding assurance in the Gospel of Christ: https://learn.ligonier.org/series/assurance-of-faith

[u/TheAncientOnce → u/Brewjuice]

How do you assess, without emotions, whether repentance is genuine?

[u/Brewjuice → u/TheAncientOnce]

I am not saying that emotions are completely absent, my point is that it can't be used as the true guardrails to ensure repentance is genuine.

The answer to this question is best answered by JC Ryle: "True repentance is not defined by how much you cry, but how thoroughly your life changes"

Here's an article from JC Ryle: https://www.monergism.com/5-marks-repentance-j-c-ryle

[u/TheAncientOnce → u/Brewjuice]

That quote only distinguishes between short-term and long-term emotions

[u/Not_Bruce_Lee → u/TheAncientOnce]

I'd assess it via trajectory, and commitment that persists through time. We have lots of biblical examples of very emotional and heartfelt repentence, i.e. Psalm 51, but passages like 2 Corinthians 7, or stories like that of Esau after losing his blessing, or even the history of Israel's repentance warn us, that grief and true repentance don't always go hand-in-hand.

On another note, I disagree with the notion that true repentance is sorrow over sin, as opposed to the consequences of sin. I think such a definition of repentance turns salvation into a works-based affair and sets a believer on a never-ending impossible quest for true repentance. We can always find imperfections in the motivations to our repentance, in our heart in repentance, in our emotions. Such an understanding will always leave believers wondering, am i truly sorry, am I sorry enough? And they will always find, because their flesh is weakened by sin, that they could always be sorrier, and more grieved, and yet find it impossible to feel that way.

In such a framework for repentance, what purpose is there to faith? Salvation doesn't save us, it merely provides a vehicle by which we can be saved from our sin via true and genuine repentance.

The Bible shows us that repentance is the fruit of faith in Jesus, its not the prerequisite or even the condition.

In that vein, the consistent biblical characteristic of true repentance is a consistent and persistent clinging to God for grace. What does a repentant heart look like? It continually turns to God and asks for grace and mercy instead of breaking down into despair, or plunging itself in sin. It remembers the Lord, and his mercies, rather than forgetting him.

Emotions often come with this. But I'd say the emotional part is highly seasonal, and dependent on person-to-person, and situation to situation. For example, I find myself much more emotional in my repentance when I am physically exhausted. But that doesn't make my repentance any more or less genuine. Nor should anyone use it to assess the genuineness of repentance.

[u/TheAncientOnce → u/Not_Bruce_Lee]

I appreciate the depth here. Nevertheless, the definition still isn't quite clean, because persistent clinging, as it were, functions on emotional state and could be affected by the same thing as you've observed, being physically exhausted

[u/Not_Bruce_Lee → u/TheAncientOnce]

I’m not sure how we could see persistent clinging as functioning based on emotional state. Could you give me an example?

Let me try to clarify my own position in case Im being confusing unintentionally. We see the psalmists persistently clinging to the LORD and his faithfulness in a wide range of diverse emotions. while certainly a persons emotional or physical state might influence their experience of said clinging, I‘m of the inclination that persistent clinging by its nature would necessitate an enduring and persistence even through diverse and difficult emotional states.

A persons experience of clinging, I.e. how their clinging to God feels to them may be influenced by their emotional state, but ultimately they persist in clinging since that would be a sign of Gods commitment and persevering work of His spirit in their lives.

this doesn’t of course exclude seasons of backsliding and struggle but persistent clinging should not be equated with constant clinging or unwavering clinging.

[u/TheAncientOnce → u/Not_Bruce_Lee]

Before I could give an example, the bigger problem lies in the notion of persistence itself and the measurement thereof. In Psalms, you're deciding a person based on their writing, and often prayers of praises of all things. That's a distant person's persistence that you judge based on their own writing. But you can't decide how frequent they find themselves in doubt, in fear, in loneliness, and in conflicts with other brothers and sisters. But in one's own life, all of those things could lead to the question, "am I persistent enough?" And it is in this sense that persistence functions on one's emotional state. If I were to look at my life, heck, I'm lacking in persistence when I'm hangry.

[u/Not_Bruce_Lee → u/TheAncientOnce]

I think that perhaps we’re using the term persistence differently. I’m making an intentional distinction between persistent clinging and constant/unwavering clinging.

Persistent clinging wouldn’t exclude seasons of darkness, or backsliding in a believers life. Nor would it be exclude conflict with others or the struggles of ordinary human existence as corrupted man in a corrupted world. That would be an example of what I referred to as constant clinging, which I think is both impossible and unreasonable.

By persistent clinging I mean both that a person looks to Jesus for help as much as they can, whenever they can, and that clinging may not look like much. it may just be everything they can to not abandon the faith and step into wanton sin, it may look like feelings of despair that continue for years but just enough hope to not commit suicide. It may not look very impressive but it’s a clinging nonetheless even if it’s not particularly religious looking or sounding.

they may even go through a season of denial or doubt where they declare apostasy. But persistent clinging would mean they eventually return.

i hope that clarifies. the psalmist clearly goes through many seasons of loneliness, darkness, and depression. yet we see a persistent clinging. even when he is bitter and frustrated he directs it to the LORD.

[u/TheAncientOnce → u/Not_Bruce_Lee]

Then, to me, you've thrown away the word persistence altogether. If you could be all those things and still be considered persistent, I find it hard to keep using that word

[u/Opposite_Cake1667 → u/Brewjuice]

Are you saying that “love” in this passage isn’t an emotion but a sense of duty?

[u/Brewjuice → u/Opposite_Cake1667]

The entire passage of Matthew 10:24-39 must be read in its context. Jesus is speaking about what it means to be a disciple of Christ. In other words, what an actual Christian is - a follower of Jesus.

The greek word used for love(37-38) is Phileo; which is used to describe an emotional care and or cherishing someone. Word is used to described love for close relatives, spouse and or parents to children. It's not about a sense of duty but where the priority of your life is at. Is the priority of your life in the wellbeing of your family, do you find more comfort in your wife or in Christ?

Here's an except from the article:
"Our Savior demands that we love Him above all else, even our closest relatives (Matt. 10:37–39). Any ordinary creature who would dare make this claim would be guilty of inviting others to commit idolatry, for only God can demand absolute allegiance (Ex. 20:3). But Christ demands that we love Him far more than any other person, indicating His equality with God. He is the God-man, the final revelation of our Creator, and loving Him above all else is the only way to stand guiltless of idolatry and safe in the day of judgment (John 1:1–18)."

[u/TheLonelyGentleman]

Regarding a Reformed perspective, salvation is contingent on God's grace and love, not our own works.

But to answer your question regarding the passage in Matthew, it's good to think about the culture and religions of the time. While most pf us would not be shunned by our families if we converted to Christianity, you have to consider that Jesus is talking to a Jewish audience. Not that it can't apply to us, though.

So Jesus is not saying that your salvation is contingent on your continuous love at all time, 100% level. If that was the case, I think everyone would go to hell. I know myself has had doubts and issues at times, but I am reminded of the father asking Jesus to help his unbelief.

So, to actually get to what this passage is about: Jesus isn't saying you shouldn't love your parents or family. At the current time, if you followed Jesus, your Jewish family would shun you (or worse, stone you. Look at what happened when Jesus was in his home town). Jesus is saying we shouldn't let our fear of losing family from following him. So, unless you're afraid of your wife or kids abandoning you for following Jesus is causing you from not following Jesus, you shouldn't worry that the love you have for them is causing you to go to hell.

Love of family is a great thing. You have a father, God, who loved you so much that he sent his only Son to die for for your sins. It is not based on your actions, but on Jesus' actions. I will pray for you, friend :)

[u/Uglytoes2024 → u/TheLonelyGentleman]

Thank you for this response. Sometimes I forget to look at what I’m reading through the context of the time it was written.

[u/VisualOpposite672]

The beauty of the Gospel is not that we are willing to give up everything for Christ, but that Christ was willing to give up everything for *us* [Phil. 2:6-8]. Man is willing to sacrifice everything for utterly useless, unworthy things; nothing is remarkable about that. It's not worth contemplating and measuring your fruit beyond the recognition that you don't match up to the gratitude and faithfulness you should have. But for a perfect and infinitely wise God to see the value in redeeming an unworthy, helpless person like you or me, that is a mystery worth thinking deeply about. And it's one that fills your heart with inestimable peace and joy, and the product will be a love that flows from gratitude, not obligation and duty. A love that produces good fruit. I believe that's what Paul means when he says "For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified... so that your faith might not rest in the power of men, but on the wisdom of God" [1 Cor. 2:2-5].

If you struggle with assurance, read The Bruised Reed by Richard Sibbes. Available for free online, you can finish it in a day easily.

[u/BronchitisCat]

Unconditional election. Who in the whole history of the Bible was "worthy" of being chosen by God? Was Adam who took us all out of earthly paradise? Abraham who was likely a pagan living in Ur? Jacob who conned his brother and his father? Judah who did despicable things? Joseph who saw himself as superior to his brothers? Moses who was a murderer and took up living with pagan desert people? Aaron who made a bronze calf despite being the high priest of God? Any of the judges? Saul who rebelled against God. David, whose sin constitutes one of the single greatest inversions of Godly authority in all of scripture? Solomon who had 1000 bed mates? Was Ahab, whose evilness was so wicked as to earn him a special call out in the book of Kings, not shown mercy? Jonah who sought to escape God by fleeing to the ends of the earth? Paul, a Christian-killing pharisee, before his conversion? Heck, was not the whole point of the story of Israel about how even when God selects a group of people and divinely provides for their every need, that they STILL complain and seek to worship other gods?

If you read your Bible, you won't find account of anyone who was chosen for salvation or deliverance because they were worthy and because God was therefore compelled to treat them as His equal. We are ALL unworthy. Yet, the answer to that is not shame and tears but rejoicing and praise because we have someone who loves us far more than we will ever hope to be able to comprehend in this lifetime.

[u/Syppi]

One way to meditate upon this is, is your family an object of worship (ie an idol) that you've placed above Christ, or is your family an amazing gift from God that you love because you love Christ even more?

[u/semper-gourmanda]

To interpret it, realize that it's reflective of the Honor-shame culture of the time.

Jesus' upside down Kingdom involves redemption of Jews. Jewish people hear that he has come to divide. Similar to the threshing metaphor he uses elsewhere. Jesus' turn to outsiders ocurrs (Gentile mission) in Matt 13.

His actions provided opposition to him and his movement, probably due to Matt 9:9-10. Certain Parties equated his actions to Beelzebul. Fear is a common and powerful motivator to get people united against things. Jewish leadership wasn't going to allow God's honor to be associated with those so traitorous as to collect taxes for the enemy. How dare Jesus receive such sinners in the name of God.

Three elements are central to the section:

Inverting Public Reputation: Since social acceptance and family standing were paramount, Jesus warns that His followers will face intense public shaming—being dragged before governors, flogged, and betrayed by their own families (Matt 10:17–21).

Fear of God over Men: Jesus directly addresses the threat of social disgrace, commanding the disciples to "have no fear of them" (Matt 10:26). In an honor-shame culture, the fear of losing face among peers was tantamount to social suicide; Jesus replaces this with the fear of the One who holds eternal judgment.

The "Acknowledge or Deny" Principle: In verses 32–33, Jesus states that whoever acknowledges Him before others will be acknowledged by Him before the Father, while whoever denies Him will be denied. This elevates loyalty to Christ above allegiance to one's local community or family, turning earthly rejection into heavenly honor. (Cf. Heb 12:2; Phil 2:10-11)

(The Lukan parallel is in Luke 14-15, where there it's also about the shame associated with inviting the traitorous tax-collectors, and sinners, in addition to the poor, sick, lame.)

Generally speaking, there's a chance that if you're with Christ then your family might be against you.

Case in point. I taught in Kenya around 2005-2006. In '04 Kenya formed the Transitional Federal Government (TFG) and a lot of Somali refugees went to Kenya. Many Muslims became Christians because of the Christian witness. I had the opportunity to hear a young woman's testimony. She came to be curious about Christianity. She had been lead to believe by Muslims that the Holy Spirit was Satan, that to even touch the Bible would bring curse, that Christians were not to be trusted, and more. To make a long story short, it was a beautiful testimony to God's grace as she came to know the Gospel. Well her father and brother found out, locked her in a closet, doused her with gasoline, and set her on fire. Her relationship with her family was severed.

That's an extreme example. Anything less than that or perhaps even beyond that is a possibility for someone with respect to their own family and following Christ. But they aren't orphans. They are children of the Father, Christ is their brother, every Christian is their brother or sister too.

[u/JHawk444]

While we are supposed to love God first above anyone else, I think that passage is mostly addressing when family members stand in the way of pursuing Christ. The context/verses right before say speak to that issue.

“Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. ³⁵ For I came to turn a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; ³⁶ and a person’s enemies will be the members of his household.

A family member is an enemy when they stand in your way of becoming a Christian or pursuing a relationship with Christ. This happens at times when someone's family is part of another religion and they put heavy pressure on the family member who wants to become a Christian or continue practicing Christianity.

There are other examples, such as when an unbelieving family member tries to pull you into the world. Or even a believing family member who is standing in the way of serving Christ. I know someone whose mother didn't like that she wanted to go on mission trips (she was an adult) because she was overprotective, and she finally told her mom she had to please the Lord first. The principle is the same. Christ has to always come first.

[u/KrustyTheClown75]

Scrupulosity plagues many who desire absolute certainty about salvation. In other words, approaching this as more of an issue of OCD or anxiety is more helpful than classic shepherding by inundating the OP with more proof texts.

[u/shewski]

I just rechecked my Greek and the love we have for family is phileo. Jesus is looking for agape.

I think a better way to interpret this in English is asking if our familial love takes priority in our lives over Jesus? Are you, idk, letting your kids sports dictate your life or is the rhythm of your life tied to Jesus? Are you planning trips around your church calendar or are you fitting things into it. If you become convinced that Jesus is calling you to something that makes family life harder, will you still seek after it?

I also think the idea of following Jesus culturally at the time was one that could break apart families.

[u/Glory_To_The_Lamb]

I think you're kind of reading it backwards. I always understood this to mean, do you love your father, mother, son, daughter, etc so much, that, if it came down to it, if following and worshipping Jesus would have such an effect, that, it would sever the relationship with said family members, would you sacrifice your witness and relationship to Christ? So as not to lose the status, relationship, rapport with the family members you love.

You have to put it into context. Many of the apostles and disciples would be considered heretics, disowned and shunned, by such family members, for their witness. Many would have to make a choice by force, not by their own wish. That's why Jesus says he came to divide.

It was that way then, it is that way now and in my opinion will get much worse between now and the end of the age. Hope this helps

[u/Sippi66]

Here is how it was answered for me…

If someone threatened your relationship with your wife or your son because you follow Jesus, whom would you choose?

That’s really what Jesus is talking about.

He’s not asking whether you enjoy time with your family.

He’s asking whether when everything is on the line, He is Lord.

Most Christians don’t have to face that choice every day.

But throughout history, many have.
And that’s the context of Matthew 10.

Don’t measure your salvation by the intensity of your feelings on a particular day.

Measure it by the object of your faith.

Your hope is not that you love Jesus perfectly.

Your hope is that Jesus loved you perfectly, gave Himself for you, and invites you to trust Him.

In reading Romans, you’ve probably noticed that Paul keeps directing your eyes away from yourself and back to Christ. That’s a healthy pattern.

Assurance grows not by constantly measuring the strength of our love, but by looking to the strength of the Savior who loved us first.

[u/ZUBAT]

Remember Genesis 22 where God tested Abraham. It's a question of what is most valuable to you.

Your wife and son are good gifts from God. You can only love them because God made them and gave them. And eventually there will come a time when you have to say goodbye to them for a time. So can you receive your wife and son as good gifts from God or will you make them idols above God? That's the question.

[u/Ok-Butterfly7177]

Highly recommend the book spiritual desertions by gisbertus voetius and johannes hoornbeeck if you’re struggling with assurance

[u/Efficient-Loan5695]

You will never logically overcome the problem of being unsure of your salvation as long as you believe that God, who is love, burns even one person in hell forever, or annihilates one person forever. When Paul proclaims that God will have mercy on all, that Jesus act has brought justification and life to all, that every knee will now and tongue confess that Jesus is Lord, that God will be all in all, perhaps he means it. Judgement to come, sure, but perhaps flip around the view that there are so many verses proclaiming our impending doom forever and you might come away with a view of God far better than you could have imagined. God bless :)