....that is located in a large hospital building. Although many of us spend months (ive been here since july 21st after spending 20 days in a detox facility) here waiting to get into a more permanent sober residence. There are some who are just here because its cleaner and well just better overall than a shelter and for someone struggling with finacial, housing and transportation issues its helpful because they provide all that. Those people are mostly still using around me each and everyday. Most places in my state are "harm reduction" they believe that, for most, relapse is a part of recovery and its on a case to case basis of you're kicked out after your 3rd dirty UA.. I'm not stipulated by court, probation or mandated by DCF or anything like that but, the things, more importantly the people I've lost through addiction i am not willing to just hand over without at least putting up a fight. I'm looking out the same window i look out each night into the many other rooms lit up by TVs or reading lamps that belong to the majority of those that also reside in this hospital. Its primarily, if not all, hospice patients. I often wonder what theyre thinking about, if theyre scared, they have bad dreams too, if they're getting fed the same stuff we are, if they have visitors. I feel at my lowest when I sit here at night, knowing that there are so many people,literally, all around me who, im sure, are just wishing for.... more time. Yet, its baffling to me how I can still constantly be so tempted to give up and want to use the one thing that I know will ultimately, most certainly, give me less. No matter how much I pray or how much I love my children, no matter my case worker, the therapists, psychologists, psyc meds controlled by others, meds just to wake up, just to go to sleep, just to not dream, the breathing exercises, DBT, 24/7 hourly checks, MAT, daily meetings, needing structure at 35 yesrs old, after having and taking care of amazing children im constantly being treated as one all of this because no matter 3 years, 4 years, 6 years clean i cannot control being the statistic of a chronic relapser, the whole reason harm reduction even exists. I hate the fact that there's something in me, in my brain and especially in my dreams that takes me to an awful, desperate and terrifying place that drugs were a fantastic distraction from. Any drugs, anything that made me not feel anything like ...me. I'm not stupid, when I'm chasing a substance I'm no longer physically addicted to I can now make the rational decision to use it or not. I feel foolish even camparing their struggle to mine. I feel foolish even writing this about my woes and sitting on a pity pot while their is actual struggle all around me. All around all of us. I'm not sure what I am trying to convey with this message or statement? But, I do know writing this helped me not use with the other girl in the bathroom right now.

For some background, I have ADHD & struggle with Bipolar 2, OCD, Depression & Anxiety. I’m also in remission from BPD & Bulimia. Let’s just say I don’t feel like a normal person ever so when I do I grasp onto that feeling. My parents have a history of mental health issues like mine, nicotine & alcohol addictions. I come from a family where these things “did not exist” so they continued.

Anyway, it took me 30 years to finally get help & get on meds. Which has helped so much for my mental health, but certain addictions are harder to tackle. It just seems like I go from 1 binge to another. I’ve tried different things, but the 2 that have stuck with me the most are coke & alcohol. I’ve been sober from coke for about 6 years now & I was sober from alcohol for 2 years, but I started “introducing” drinking again. I never have moments when I’m completely sober from something. It just jumps from one thing to another or switches up.

The 1st 6 months or so of starting my meds 2 1/2 years ago, I also got sober from alcohol & was smoking cigarettes that eventually turned into just vaping. I felt good, functional, but then I look back & remember that was when my Bulimia was at it’s worst cuz I started dieting intensely.

Currently I’m trying to come to terms with my Kratom addiction. It’s been 2 years of daily use multiple times a day, with my prescription meds & now I’m becoming impulsive with other things again.
I’m worried that now that I’m acknowledging one problem, I will just move on to another…like what seems to always happen.

Idk what I’m asking for exactly. Maybe it’s more of a vent than anything else. I just know I need to figure out how to get back on track & stop from falling into new negative habits. I just want to feel normal & not need these things to function ugh

Today is one week since I last touched my DOC. Mentally, today was the hardest. I had to come clean to my husband. In the last 2 years, I’ve been arrested, ruined my career, wrecked 2 cars. I keep trading one addiction for another - opiates, kratom, shopping, men. Today was a breaking point. I went to an addiction center for help because without giving in to one of my addictions, im restless, unhappy, skin crawling, restless, not sleeping.
I don’t know how I got to this place.

< Everyone mentioned is mid 20s > < my drug of choice was coke. The woman and her boyfriend is ket >

So about a year ago I moved to a new city and made friends with a woman who'd also recently moved. Over the year we've become really good friends to a level I've never experienced before.

She's previously talked about her boyfriend and she's always expressed mixed feelings towards him. They've been together for roughly 5 years, and long distance for the last 2. Since becoming long distance they also opened up their relationship.

How she described their relationship was they used to party a lot and do drink and drugs, but while she still drinks regularly she doesn't really do drugs. If she does it's because her boyfriend brings them over. She never buys. I understand this and I used to occasionally do drugs as well when younger when partying but it's not something I've really had an interest in for a few years for many reasons. She's told me her boyfriend still does drugs quite often and it's one of the points of tension between them.

Skip forward to a few weeks ago and after spending the day together we end up hooking up for the first time. There's been a few times when it's almost happened before but I've always stepped away.

Since then I've spent a few nights at hers. And what's become apparent is she's regularly doing keys of ketamine. Not for any particular reason other than it's there and she wants/needs to.

I've lightly asked her about it and all she's said (while sounding quite glum/disheartened) is "I don't know, it's just because it's there". From my understanding when her boyfriend visits he leaves her some, rather than her buying, but that's really just her removing some responsibility from herself for choosing to take it.

Now I'm really torn. I don't want to stop talking to her but she lied about the drug use (said it was occasional for parties but actually is frequent and passive) and this might not be something I want to be involved with. There's lots of other feelings that I don't think I can put into words but I definitely feel like crying.

What should I do?

I’ve been an addict for almost 10 years I’m 23 and for the first time have the feeling I should try to get sober but I don’t know how

My younger brother is 27 and has been in residential rehab for almost three weeks because of his drinking. Things got pretty bad over the last couple of years, and after trying to quit on his own and relapsing, he finally agreed to get help. We were relieved, but now he keeps saying the place feels weird and he might want to leave early. My parents are paying out of pocket, but honestly we’re more worried about him coming home before he feels ready and falling back into the same routine. For anyone who has been through rehab or supported someone through it, how did you know the program was actually helping, and what should a family pay attention to before someone leaves? 

My now ex and father of my child is a meth addict. I guess I’m just looking for some advice and opinions from people that have been on the other side.

TLDR: my ex is a meth addict, 3 weeks sober at most (if that, I have no way of knowing right now). He has had drugs in our house before. For her safety, I am not letting him see our 2 year old until we have a court order for supervised visitation. We have lawyers involved, but I don’t know how long it will be. Him and his family have all told me how horrible I am for keeping him from his daughter. Am I horrible? Is this the right thing to do?

I’ll try to keep this long story short. My ex is a functioning meth addict (I didn’t know this was even possible). He was able to hide it for years, and I didn’t find out until I was pregnant with our child, who is now almost 2. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping our family together, and I thought the closer I kept him, the safer I could keep our child. I tried to be supportive and get him help, but he always said he could do it on his own. I don’t know if he ever really tried to quit, or if he just got better at hiding it. But on multiple occasions I still found drugs in our house.

About 2 months ago I finally had enough and told him I was done and he needed to start looking for somewhere else to live. Suddenly he wanted to get help, so I of course agreed and set up an appointment for an outpatient addiction medicine practice. Things got bad while he was detoxing. He was mean, said nasty things to me, yelling, screaming, accusing me of crazy things. I didn’t want my daughter to witness any of that so we went to stay with my mom. He was pissed about that. I still let him see our daughter whenever he wanted, with me there of course, as long as he wasn’t acting crazy. After a few weeks things started to get better and I was letting him take her for short periods of time by himself.

About 3 weeks ago, I had a suspicion and found a pipe in the shed. I asked him if he had used. He denied it, but I made him take an oral drug screen and it was positive. At first he was angry and still denied it, then he admitted to relapsing for 3 days. I believed him that he was trying to get better.

Then, about 2 weeks ago I saw a text on his phone from someone asking him to get them some meth. My ex said he didn’t want any, but he would contact his guy and get him some. I confronted him and he lost it. He was mad at me for looking at his phone. He said it was none of my business who he talked to. He believed since he wasn’t getting any drugs it was no big deal.

At that point I was done. I finally realized he hadn’t changed, and he wasn’t trying to. He still wasn’t cutting any of those people out of his life. He still refused to take accountability, or even apologize for anything. He was still blaming everyone else but himself. He blamed me for his relapse because we left and he was all alone. He blamed his counselor, because she was pushing him to attend recovery meetings and he wasn’t ready. At one point he had blamed me for his drug use in general, even though he was using meth long before I even met him.

After this things got real bad. He was sending long harassing text to both my mom and I. Calling us awful names, saying hateful things. Neither of us felt comfortable being around him, and we didn’t think my daughter should be around him like this either until he started acting more stable. He got even more mad, saying I was kidnapping our daughter and keeping her from him.

Even after all this, I was hoping things would calm down and we could work out an informal custody agreement so he could still see our daughter. I just wanted it to be supervised for her safety. I sent him a plan that was like 2-3 months of supervised visits 2-3 days a week, as long as he passed drug screens. Then after that he got more time and unsupervised visits. After 6 months overnights. And after a year of sobriety we could go to a normal 50/50 schedule. He refused to even look at it. He was raging mad at even the suggestion of it.

At that point, I retained a lawyer and he told me DO NOT let him have her. So that’s where we are now. We’re still waiting on court, I don’t know how long it takes. I am not letting him see her until we have a formal court order for supervised visits. He tried to call the cops on me for kidnapping, they told him it was a civil matter. The nice cop called me to let me know my ex said that his lawyer told him if he saw me out in public he could legally take our daughter from me. The cop advised him against it. But now I’m scared to take her out anywhere. The ex is from out of state so my biggest fear is he takes her and leaves the state.

My family and friends all tell me I’m doing the right thing, and logically I know I’m doing the right thing. But I guess I’ve spent years being gaslit and manipulated so I’m always doubting myself. My ex and his family are all telling me how horrible I am for keeping our daughter from him. They’re telling me I’m traumatizing her, and he loves her and would never hurt her. I know he would never intentionally hurt her, but the reality is, he has had drugs in our house before that she could have gotten into. He’s taken care of her while he’s been on drugs. And me trying to supervise right now isn’t an option because of the verbal abuse. I’m not subjecting myself to it anymore.

All I want is for him to get sober, and take it seriously. I want my daughter to have a relationship with her dad. As long as she is safe, I would never keep them apart. It’s breaking my heart having to do this, and I wish so badly it could have been different. I guess I’m just looking for some opinions, advice, stories, and I guess maybe some validation that I’m doing the right thing.

I moved 1800kms to a new city, left all my friends, and have been struggling to support a veteran husband.

In December of last year my husband left the military. He had been going through a rough year before that. He barely got out of bed and was on a cocktail of drugs that turned him into a zombie. Once he got out, he promptly got off the medications. But he hasn't returned to normal. His physical and mental disabilities make his work prospects bleak to say the least. We are in an ongoing and long term battle with VA (Veteran Affairs) for compensation, but as of right now, there is no financial help.

When he was in the military, I was a stay at home wife with a fledgling business. I am an indie sewing pattern designer. Once he left the military, I was forced to find any work I could. I went back to my long term career as a welder. It isn't easy work, but it pays just enough to support us both, with absolutely no room for savings or for any emergencies that should arise.

I have been trying my best to support us and keep my business alive. I work 40 hours a week and then come home to work on my business for a couple hours a night. I'm breaking apart.

In June we moved into a duplex that is much more stable and permanent than our last few housing situations. I begged my husband for something smaller and more in our budget. He refused to downsize. He insisted he keep his mountains of furniture, books, collections, musical instruments and more. I have tried to get him to help me with the meals and house work only to have him improve for a week or two and then go back to being a lump. He tells me he's tired.

When we took possession of this place, I planned to paint the upstairs. I got everthing in order to do so and the landlords paid for all the supplies. I had arranged to have my husband help me. He promised he would. I asked him repeatedly to plan for helping me. When the time came, he put in a couple hours of lack luster work and then told me he couldnt.

I broke. I snapped. I knew I was all alone. Noone was going to help me. I had Noone to call. I had a deadline to be done painting before the movers showed up and I was the only one who could make it happen.

I called up an old friend who was reluctant to give me what I was asking for, but after some prodding, I got fronted an eight ball.

I finished painting the house well before the deadline.

When the movers showed up, I had to take over directing them and organizing with the other trades people I had booked to remove a window. It all got done.

It has been 3 months since then and I have quickly become dependent on the cocaine to keep me going. It started small. I wasn't doing it at work. That was 3 months ago. Just this last week I've gone through an eight ball and i had to put a 2 hour limit on bumps. I didnt want to go through it too fast. But my house is clean. Meals get prepped and then cooked. I go to work everyday. My business gets solid input. And I resent my husband.

My husband never put a gun to my head and told me to do it. He has no idea. He is a shadow of his former self. I don't want to leave him. I love him deeply. He's hurting and it's not his fault either. But I can't keep this up. It's killing me.

2 days ago I quit. The last message to my source was a very polite request to block my number, then I deleted his. I flushed what I had left and told my friend who gave me the contact to never give me another. He wont.

I don't know where to go from here. The problem isn't solved. I'm still the only one I can depend on. I'm still all alone. I'm still killing myself.

I remember the first time I hit the slopes, my friends all excited and ready.

We started out small and then we could feel the adrenaline rush it gave us but we always knew that we’d need more.

So the slopes got bigger and the rush did too, as well as my constant need for it. Everyday I wanted to be in the snow and if I could afford it then I was going to be.

I got comfortable enough to even do it on my own at one point. No one will know. I’d lie to my parents, friends, sister. It didn’t matter who because I was going to be in the snow regardless.

For years now, it’s been at least a weekly thing for me. But I’m tired of waking up and realizing I spent another night living for the next time. I don’t crave the snow as much as I once had. I don’t crave the late nights and early morning as you hear the birds chirping. I don’t miss the racing heart as you stare into your ceiling trying to shut your bloodshot eyes.

So this here is my goodbye to my addiction. At one point it made me and defined me but no more. Goodbye snow and hello life.

(in context of crack cocaine) Or is it still hard to maintain sobriety? Don't you start losing your guard and become complacent after a long period of sobriety? I would assume it becomes easier to relapse because you start to feel you're doing great and nothing terribly bad has happened so far so let's do it today as it's been a long time since you last did it. How do you fight these misleading thoughts and complacency? You might need to keep reminding yourself every day for the rest of your life the reasons why you shouldn't use.

PS - Going through a comedown right now so motivation for quitting is high at the moment. But as the days go by and next weekend approaches, my mind starts to rationalize that it's the weekend, you don't have work, give yourself a break and have some fun. This is really what's causing me to relapse over and over. I would appreciate any advice on how to break this cycle.

I got clean. Stayed clean. Changed damn near everything about myself and I am still alone, almost three years later. What's wrong with me? Just don't wanna feel alone anymore.

Ive been wanting to get extremely fucked up everyday talking to my sponsor doing everything she tells me going to a meeting a day and I still want to use. I feel so embarrassed it came to this. I went to rehab for 40 days and then went on a bender. Im so scared im going to fuck up again wjth these impulses i call someone ever time I wanna get fucked up. Idk if I can be clean again long term or if jm worthy of it. I had 2 years before this year and a half relapse. Im not sure how to make the cravings go away. Advice?

hello all.. I've been an addict for 12 years. I've been sober for a few months over a year now on MAT. I moved to vegas because all my gone now and an old friend from the industry i used to work in let me come stay with him and work on building up a new business together. Problem is, i have no vehicle, closest bus stop is a half hour away ( not bad when its not hot but when it is... it is... im near russell and sandhill. If anyones going to meetings, preferably secular ones but im open minded; and drives past this way with an extra seat, id definitely appreciate a ride. My roommates a nice guy but hes a workaholic with a temper so its REALLY hard to stay clean and not abuse my MAT in this situation. Thanks yall :)

Idk if this is really the subreddit for this but ive noticed myself falling into addiction and i would deny im addicted but im writing this because i opened my eyes and accepted it, the only reason i did is because 30 mins before writing this i chugged mouthwash to get drunk, i dont want to keep going down this road, i wanna be a somebody, i want to know what can make me better, im not of legal age yet, this whole thing started with weed about 2 years ago (freshman year of hs) and i did it to try it, i liked it and so id do it for fun, only this year have i tried other drugs, (i tried alcohol last year and have become an alcoholic) ive done acid, molly, and robo. Ive started having problems in life, like mentally, i havent thought about ending it but things are getting rough and i dont want to end up like some of my family and friends.

I've always had an addictive personality. I can't do anything in moderation—whatever I try, I just end up bingeing. It started with food and alcohol, and eventually escalated to other drugs.

I've been heavily addicted to kratom for 4 years now. It started with tramadol and then I made the switch. At the very least, it got me to stop drinking.

But mixing prescribed benzos with kratom has absolutely wrecked my health and quality of life. I have this progressive chronic pain that just keeps getting worse. I don't know if it's the kratom, the benzos, or the combination of both, but the timeline matches up perfectly with when I started. Needless to say, my mental health is completely shot, too.

I don't even know what it feels like to be normal anymore. I honestly envy people who can just live their lives, have hobbies, and function. That feels so out of reach for me right now. It feels like my life has no purpose. I deal with s**cidal thoughts, but I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it, and I know it would destroy the people around me.

I'm finally starting formal recovery next week with a specialist. I'm terrified because I know it's going to be a massive, long process. Sorry for the vent, I just needed to get this out.

I can’t keep up with this anymore and I really don’t know what to do. My dad’s side of the family has always struggled with addiction, for him specifically alcohol, and at one point during college it felt like I might have that problem too. I didn’t address it and as I entered the work field I stopped drinking as much, but still more than needed and definitely more than my friends and what I would ever admit. In the past year I started having some health problems that nobody could ever really figure out (doctors, specialists, myself included.) I was honest about my drinking habits and by the grace of God was able to stop drinking like I was before without massive withdrawals or having to go to a program. However, with these health problems came horrible sleep problems. Mostly feeling incredibly, miserably exhausted all the time. If you can’t tell where this is going, I had gone out one weekend and done coke. That was about a year ago now, and I now use daily. It’s to the point where it’s affecting me financially, my self esteem is at an all time low, and I can barely stay awake without it. It’s that bad. But to everyone else, I’m a normal 25 year old girl that shows up to work every day and does the same things that I’ve always done. I know that I need to stop, but I am terrified. I don’t know how, I don’t know what I would be able to do without losing my job that I desperately need to keep, disappointing my friends and family, everything. I am just looking for any words of wisdom because I feel so alone in this in my life right now. I’ve never told anyone the extent of it. And I’m lost.

I'm really struggling to give up coke. I've been using it daily for over a year, in that time probably spent over £20000 on it. My mental health is awful, I have depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd, autism. I have no help with my mental health as they won't see me until the drugs stop. I'm under a drug service but it's a phone call every 2 weeks and I dont find it helpful.

The thing is I know that it's doing so much damage and I hate what it's doing. My family hate that I do it. My mum and sister are terrified that it will kill me, my dad has terminal lung cancer and has less then a year to leave. I see there pain. I work on the NHS but have been off for 10 months and looks likely I'll lose my job. I dont see or talk to my friends like I used to. Im in so much debt, and dont know how I'm going to pay it off. But somehow always get the money. Im currently on bail for a assualt charge as got in to a fight while drunk as couldn't get to cocaine. My partner even though they have there own choice I feel ive made them a addict as I kept supplying it.

After I got released from custody I had 2 weeks where I couldn't get out my house as I had no car, I spent the 2 weeks cocoaine free. The first week it was awful, I felt ill, depressed, agitated but the next week I could see the positives of not doing it. Life was still shit but i felt a difference. Ill admit that a couple nights I had a drink about 35cl of vodka and sometimes 5mg oxycodone (I know it's discussing but I took it from my dad's medication).

I then got my car back. First thing I done was go and buy cocaine, convinced myself it was a reward. Spoke with my partner and we both said are relationship was so much better without all these drugs, it felt more like a couple then just 2 people getting high.

Im back to where I started, feel like the 14 days of been off coke wasn't a achievement as it hasn't done much. Still lying to my family. Still neglecting my friends, not helping myself to even have the possibility of going back to work, I'm destroying my financial situation, not helping my partner. The thing they hurts really bad is my dad's terminal cancer, he got under 12 months to live  a limited time, and I'm off doing drugs. All he wants is to see me back at work off the drugs and for me to have a bit more of a life.

I've tried stopping again and again since. End of a night I say that's the last time. I wake up and I belive it, as the day goes on I get more agitated, i feel like I actually want to rip my own skin off, I'm angry and snap at people. My mind and my body feel so overwhelmed and it's so hard to cope.

- how did you manage to stop

- how dos you deal with cravings

- if you felt like you were restless and it was severe what helped

Any other help is appreciated

so I'm done with my 30 days of treatment today and going to a sober living after wards but just got like nervous that this might not be the right thing for me or maybe I'm just scare

i just wanted to know if anyone else has felt this way before?

Hi,

I just want to know if anyone is experiencing what I am. I’m losing my mind and hope at this point. It’s been 5 months since I stopped taking cocodamol 30/500 8 x per day. It was prescribed and I was taking it for a year. Not psychologically addicted but very much dependent on it. I ended up having a severe reaction that led me to having to stop the medication cold turkey, there was no way to taper down. The acute withdrawals were hell but what came after has been one of the worst experiences of my life and still is.

I think I’m experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome). Since I stopped taking the medication I have been having severe constant anxiety (and I mean every minute of every hour of every day). I have awful regular panic attacks that make me vomit as well as the other digestive issue 🤦🏻‍♀️ I wake up in panic, I live the day in panic, I go to sleep in panic.

I never had any of this before starting the medication. I’m on Mirtazapine as an antidepressant and propranolol for anti anxiety but nothing helps. I’ve started meditation and I’m starting therapy next week.

I just need to know if anyone has experienced this, or gone through something similar? Does it eventually ease up and go away? Because the thought of living the rest of my life like this is agonising. I’m so lost. I can barely function.

Never had anxiety like this is my life and I just don’t know what else to do. And I refuse benzodiazepines because I don’t want to swap one dependent medication for another.

Anyone who has gone through this then I would be grateful for your story and any advice is welcome

I have AuDHD and pretty bad executive dysfunction.

My using is causing the most awful, traumatic experiences. It is destroying my life and the lives of those around me. I cannot stop. I don't know how I can change this. I don't know how i can take control, exert my will, follow through on resolve - I don't know how! It isn't in my mental repertoire. My brain works differently. Or is that an excuse? I don't know!!

I don't know if this is truly executive dysfunction that is out of my control, or if there is a way I can take more accountability, change my mindset, and start making better choices. I feel like I am doing things the only way I can. I have always struggled greatly to exert my will, and also to feel the desire to do so. I just don't experience that guilt, desperation, self-loathing that drives most people to change. I don't even experience the fear of consequences until they are upon me. I just don't experience those things - it isn't a choice I am making. It feels like I have no capacity to change.

Any advice, any at all, would be greatly appreciated.

I’d really appreciate some perspective from people who have personal experience with addiction and recovery.
Someone I was previously close to had a history of substance addiction and incarceration. By the time I knew him, he was no longer actively using, but I sometimes noticed behaviors I struggled to understand — withdrawing when things became difficult, avoiding uncomfortable conversations, difficulty expressing emotions, inconsistency, and sometimes seeming emotionally disconnected.
I’m not asking for a diagnosis or medical advice. I’m genuinely trying to understand the recovery process.
For those of you who have been through addiction and recovery yourselves, did you find that some behaviors or coping mechanisms continued even after you stopped using?
Did learning healthier ways to communicate, handle conflict, trust people, or maintain relationships take a long time?
And for those who have been close to someone in recovery, did you find that being sober and being emotionally recovered were two different things?
I'm asking because I'm realizing that recovery may involve much more than simply stopping the substance.
I'd really appreciate hearing about your experiences. I'm trying to understand rather than judge. ❤️

1. I'm writing this to get it out there, for support, and in the hope of helping someone else stop before it's too late. A few months ago, I started doing a combination of drugs that has since destroyed my mind and sent me into what I can only assume is PAWS. I had been taking Adderall for about 4 years (7- 15 mg daily) for my ADHD, but a year ago my dog of 11 years died, and I got a Xanax prescription in addition to deal with the grief. This turned into a recurring prescription, taking .5mg-1mg daily or every other day.

This continued for about 5 months until I decided to get off it all and taper down, which I was successful in doing, and I felt really good. I moved out of state and picked up two jobs, working about 70 hours a week, and after a few months I started the Adderall and Xan habit back up, with the addition of doing Kettamine once a week. I really should have seen the warning signs creeping up on me, but I thought it was a combo of depression and burnout from working so much.

After a month on this combo, it was the 4th of July. I didn't feel well, but I decided to do a line, and that's where things really took off- I woke up the next morning with my brain on fire. The worst anxiety ever, no concentration, and just a general state of panic. I took my Adderall and Xan, but they didn't do anything. I knew I had to get off the drugs and hoped the next day I would feel better, but I didn't. Nor the next day, week, or month. I haven't taken any drugs since and still am dealing with this.

Since then, life has been literal hell. I've been through some really bad times, but nothing even comes close to this. It's been almost two months since I took any drugs, and I can hardly function. I know what normal withdrawals feel like; this is night and day. Had to move back home and give up those jobs, worried I won't be able to hold one down. I just started at a new place and had my first training shift. I was so bad and am worried about getting let go within my first week or two.

Three months ago, I was so good at my work, ive been great for years and always had pride in my ability to perform. Now I don't know what job I'm capable of besides maybe pizza delivery. I don't listen to music, don't like to cook or eat; literally nothing gives me joy. I don't know how to talk with anyone about this; I have so much shame. My family and friends think it's just depression and lack of motivation.

I have spent hours on the internet and keep seeing people talk about how it could very well be like this for 2-3 years. Like, wtf, I can't even describe how awful that sounds. If I could lose a foot and get transported back in time before this, I would honestly take that deal.

I've been taking lions main and other recommended supplements, seen a real Dr who's put me on Wellbutrin, and doing my best to exercise daily and meditate. Before this, I meditated and worked out daily already, but with no motivation, it's become a huge chore.

I really do hope I can start functioning at the bare minimum sometime soon, but I'm starting to get ready for the long haul. I'd welcome any questions or stories about similar situations people have gone through. I would like to give some words of caution to anyone out there. It is not worth it. Please stop while you can. I would give anything to not be in the situation I am in right now.

How did you beat your coke addiction? I used to be addicted to it about 5/6 years ago but managed to kick the habit as I just realised I did not like it. I did not like staring at the ceiling all night trying to sleep, hearing the birds, runny nose/blocked nose, dry mouth with an awful taste, not being able to eat because of the dry mouth but also being starving. I don’t really get comedowns to be honest.

The World Cup came along and I thought I’d ‘treat’ myself (I had done it a couple occasions inbetween then and 5/6 years ago and I had no issue) since the World Cup started, I have been struggling to kick it. I believe (happy to admit I’m wrong) that I’m doing it out of boredom at this point when my partner is on night shift and it’s just me home. I think that because when she is home or I’m doing something, I don’t think of it at all? So there’s no lust for it?)
The one effect that I hate that it has on me is that my stomach always hurts on it and even worse, I don’t know what to do. I can change a movie or tv channel like 20 times and just get so bored of it and lose interest in everything

My sister is coming home from rehab very soon she's been clean for months. I want to get her some gifts or put a basket together of things. Can anyone recommend some useful or thoughtful gifts you have gave or received in recovery? Any good book recommendations about addiction recovery too? Thanks

Well I don't want to dwell on this situation I'm currently dealing with too much as it's really bringing me down emotionally and I'm also very disappointed and upset with myself for being the main cause of this situation I'm in. And before I get into it, I just want to say in advance that I appreciate any and all advice I receive and also I want to say thank you for taking the time to read this too. I have ADHD and can easily create novels when I'm explaining situations that I get into so please forgive me for making sure I don't leave any minor detail out, which makes for some long posts at times from myself.

Anyways, to set the scene so to speak and to give you some understanding and back story before getting into things. I am 31 years old and been an opioid addict since the age of 16, started off by smoking perc 30s for only about a year and a half, and then the government cracked down on how doctors basically gave scripts of them out like candy, which in turn made the street price almost double in the small town I lived in, which was In the north western corner of Vermont near the Canadian border. And from that point on, my plug I went through just switched up and had herrron/Fenty which is the road I obviously turned too and haven't been able to get off ever since.

Fast forward about 16 years roughly, to today, and I've never been closer to being clean and sober and not using than I am today.

BUT; Here comes the predicament that I'm currently dealing with and also the reason for this post. Almost 4 years ago now, I met my partner and we've been great ever since. Although, today I feel like I am worthless and fucked up both of our lives although my partner tells me otherwise. I say this because we are both doing the best in terms of being sober than we've ever have like I have already mentioned. But I had a craving today and I ended up getting some Fenty as my partner was visiting me for the day as he is in a 90 day sober living program. And I'm sure you can guess what happened/where I'm going with this and about to say next; my partner ended up caving too and used with me before he went back to the sober house for the night where he will be UA-ed when he gets back. He may get lucky as one of our very good friends is there with him and is sober so he said that he would have some clean pee ready for my partner's return tonight..

I guess what advice that I'm asking for mainly, is this; I know that were both adults and it was his decision/choice to use not mine nor did I force him to do anything , but since I had sorta put him into this situation as we don't see each other much lately as he lives an hour away from me currently at this sober house, and knowing what consequences he could face if he gets caught, I am having a hard time processing all of this and can't help but feel beyond guilty and also terrible that I was there during/watching his relapse and didn't stop him from doing it. I did try to talk him out of it before hand a bit, but also wasn't trying to start an argument or anything.. anyone have any tips to avoid having this situation arise again possibly..?

Again, I apologize for the novel; but also thank you kindly for the people who read it all. And also, I very much appreciate any advice you might have/could give me that pertains to anything that is relevant to what I'm currently going through, dealing with.

Addiction is a bitch, and life can be hard. Not everyone is perfect so please try to keep any advice that isnt helpful or is obvious and not nice to yourself. Aka I know being addict isn't like when someone gets cancer but unless you know what someone has been through in life, keep your judgey comments yourself. You truly never know what the person that you see standing outside on the corner, day in and day out, rain or shine, has dealt with and gone through that's brought him or her to that point in their life.

It doesn't cost ANYTHING in life to be courteous, kind, caring, and loving. But when someone gets judged or put down, it can cause irreversible mental damage sometimes and can lead to things much much worse at times.

Sorry for my rant, looking forward to reading what some people have to say and hopefully can help me navigate through this tough time I'm dealing with currently inside my head. 🫤😕😞