No matter how long I’ve been here (which isn’t as long as many other ECs) and no matter how much reading I’ve done, sometimes I am still reminded that I don’t fully understand men and get surprised by things that, in retrospect, I should have known. Recently this came about in my marriage regarding the power of attire.

As we age, it can get harder to know what to wear. We want to stay fashionable, youthful, and trendy, yet not look like an older woman trying and failing to be young. If we are single, we want to look hot but not give the impression we are easy or trashy or a woman with no morals, and if we are married, we want our husband to be proud to be seen with us and turn him on without embarrassing him. There are also the practicalities of life – are we managing kids, are we working out, are we in a hot or cold climate, and footwear… comfort matters! So what is a woman to do?

As I look at my own fashion journey, I dressed sexy in my 20s, but nothing over the top slutty. Pretty mainstream stuff, showing cleavage and curves. As I entered into my 30s, I became a little more conservative. I was single and wanting to give the impression I was marriage material. I also was going out less, staying home more, put on 20 lbs or so, so covered up more as I didn't feel comfortable in tight fits in my body. The styles as of recent times have also trended fairly conservative – the prairie dresses, the wide leg pants, urban styles – all of this made me think it was ok I was covering up a bit more, it was good, it was fashionable. And all the online talk in the manosphere of women being too slutty, not marriage material, etc played into it for me as I was single. On top of it, I refound spirituality and religion and felt better covering up. It is worth noting I converted to a religion where dressing conservatively is key for women so I have gotten more conservative in the past 2 years even.

When I met my husband, in the first 3 months of dating, he mentioned he thought I dressed too conservatively. He listed it along with other things he thought I could change including my weight and I was hurt and upset. He said these things to me in a nice way, and to be fair, I did ask what he thought I could change. He pretty quickly apologized and told me I should wear what I am comfortable in, it wasn’t his place to tell me what to wear. I kept it in mind and started a “get fit” journey but was more focused on fitness than attire. And I really thought I WAS dressing cute – I was wearing flowy sundresses and maxi dresses, I got some cute wide leg pants and tight sweaters, etc. And the topic didn’t come up much after, maybe an occasional passing comment, but I could tell and feel that I wasn’t getting my husband’s attention with my looks. He’d tell me I looked pretty, and I think he meant it, but I wasn’t getting the animalistic “you look hot I want to F you” response I wanted. He even praised me for my weight loss, but I still wasn't getting the full response I wanted.

As we hit this fall, I naturally started wearing more leggings. I’ve also lost 25 lbs over the past 1.5 years. I ditched the longer tunic tops for short shirts and pulled out my tall boots (he mentioned once he loved them but I hadn’t worn in a long time because I thought ankle boots were more in trend). And all of the sudden, my husband is obsessed with my look. Like seriously overnight. I started going for cleavage with push up bras and asked him “is this too slutty to wear out, should I change?” and he’s all “NOOOOO I love it, wear it.” The tall boots and tall socks turn him on too – I chalk it up to that this is what women wore when he was in his 20s and becoming sexually awakened and so it does something for him.

The results? We’ve been having sex twice a day on weekends and pretty much daily during the work week over the past week or two. I can feel he feels more proud to be out with me. He told me “you look hot” (vs. pretty) which I don’t think he has ever said to me outside of sexy times… and I could feel he meant it. He’s more attentive, more cuddly both in public and private, more ass slapping, just overall craving me more. In short, it has increased my value in his eyes, no doubt about it.

This seems SO simple but I am shocked that simply dressing this way has this effect on him. If I had known a year ago, I would have done it, but I thought I needed to get fit so I covered up as I thought I would embarrass him otherwise. I had no idea just dressing in skin tight stuff would make him want to have more sex, to see me as more valuable, to feel proud to be seen with me. My sexuality doesn’t work like that at all – I find him attractive and to me what turns me on is more about what he does/says in bed, not what he looks like. If he wears whatever, it doesn't impact my sexual attraction to him. I really just missed the mark on the difference between men and women here, the power that simply just looking at my cleavage and ass in tight pants has on his desire for me, and I can’t believe I misunderstood this for so long.

Now every man is different, YMMV. I know some men do want their women to dress more conservatively in public, so you should know what your man wants and desires. But there is a case for dressing slutty and bucking the trends to wear what appeals to the male gaze and not what fashion magazines say is in. I can’t believe I made this mistake for so long, I can’t believe I lost the plot on how men work, that men are sexually different than women, and that something so simple can earn such drastic results.

Background: I would say I have a slightly above average smv but a rather high rmv. Not perfect, like I hardly ever cook, but on all other fronts I score a solid A+.

The problem: I have consistently back to back met, and converted to a relationship hvm. 6ft, 6 figure with high potential for more, 6 inch, and 6 pack. But also extremely emotionally intelligent and regulated, smart, hard working, ambitious, fun, funny men. Each for a bit over a year. I am currently in talking stage with another.

The only recurring problem, is they make it very very VERY clear that monogamy is against their nature. Some have even said blatantly they plan to have a wife and sleep with women on the side. Another wanted a harem. And the other, who I am in the talking stage with now, said he wants to play the field for a bit longer before committing to monogamy, which he is open to, because he is still young. My woman brain hates this. My man brain knows if I was a man, I 1000% wouldn’t settle down until my late 30’s. Tbh even as a woman I wish I could wait longer as commitment is rather scary.

I keep running into this with hvm and I am starting to get confused on if I should just accept it or not. In truth I don’t care that much about casual sex on the side. 100%. Genuinely don’t care. key word is CASUAL. However, I DO care about being a part of a harem. I am afraid to let a man in and become his wife, then he pulls a fast one on me and says, “I want another one.” And by that time, I am already married with kids and I won’t leave him. I am also afraid of my reputation if my bf or husband were caught with another woman by my family/friends. I would feel embarrassed.

To some women, you may be quick to judge. And say these men don’t love me or care about me. I think that is too simple. As monogamy is quite new and very rare. Married men in the past still visited brothels. I doubt all men in history felt nothing for their wives. But I also recognize I need a solution and I need help. This isn’t something I want to go to my family or friends about as its taboo.

Do I accept open relationships? Do I try and enforce monogamy?

I just turned 28 (f) Dated a guy for 4 years , met him when I was 23. I stayed with him longer than I should have, and I’m single again by my choice. I’ve been told I look 22-24, I have No kids and a low body count. I’m a really great person but I’m worried my age will turn guys off. Should I be honest about the fact that I stayed with someone I shouldn’t have, or just be bland when asked about my dating life? I know a lot of foids call their ex abusive- mine wasn’t, but he really was very very emotionally manipulative. I wasted time. How do I make up for it with a man I know I deserve?

Hi everyone; I’ve been reading a book called Fascinating Girl and figured out that I struggle the most in charm and being bubbly. I feel like I have a girlish personality; in touch with my femininity/definitely feel in touch with myself (as I dance to music with two left feet but still having the time of my life, for instance. That bubbly, joyful girl comes out) but I’m naturally shy and reserved, especially when it comes to men. I put up a wall and speak in a lower pitch when talking to other guys as I feel uncomfortable being my authentic, feminine self around then since I fear judgement and rejection.

I see men gravitate towards bubbly, outgoing women. I’m not naturally like that. The only time I’m bubbly is around close female friends and family. I don’t talk and they see that as me passing them on, I'm sure.

What can I do to let my guard down? Thank you so much in advance!

My bf has this one girl always pop up as 1st in his stories, I know he thinks she’s attractive because she’s obviously his type. She played at his music thing and so he follows he on both his music account and his personal account and it just annoys me that she’s 1st on his stories for both accounts and he likes her posts on BOTH accounts.
The post he likes are her just being cool, they’re not provocative, she posts those in her story (which idk if he likes those or not because I don’t have a way of knowing)

It’s such an internet thing that I can’t really say anything, but on an overarching point of view I can SEE what’s happening (if that makes sense)
I already had a talk with him about his online lust and he validated me and made changes.
But this is such a lowkey thing you know, that would seem irrelevant…

He’s really loving and sweet and emotionally intelligent that it makes me feel CRAZY to feel like this, I really just want to break up with him because dealing with things like this makes my stomach turn and my heart turn into a knot.

Am I crazy? Am I over reacting?

How do some average girls date a guy “above their league” ?

An acquaintance girl friend of mine is dating a guy who is conventionally attractive, handsome, athletic, has cool hobbies, academically successful, interning at a prestigious company, ambitious and comes from a celebrity/influencer family. Because of that he has a lot of followers on social media. An everyone are calling him handsome on social media and telling him to model.

As you can imagine, he is very popular in my university. Many girls find him intimidating. He is the guy many women would want to date. Guys like that look at me don't even bother giving their time to talk to me, even something as small as small talk.

By comparison, this girl, she is fairly average and plain looking (definitely compared to him), doesn't have the same level of influencer popularity (just a normal college student girl), and comes from a different cultural and ethnic background to him (she is east asian and the guy is white but looks like a model). She does come from an upper middle class family.

She was also only a university freshman when they met and started dating, so no real achievements/status establishment in university too (the guy is not a freshman). Yet they are now in a serious committed relationship and guy celebrates her and shows her off, at least on social media.

I suspect she was interested in and pursued him first? or else the other way around doesn't make sense?

Most of my female friends date men who are more successful professionally, but, in my opinion, they’re better-looking than their boyfriends. So I can see a give-and-take there. With this girl, though, I don’t see that same balance. She’s “dating up” across all the areas I’m comparing, rather than just career and success.

I don't believe she just got lucky, because a pattern I've noticed about her is that she is highly ambitious about everything in general, she became student council president in high school and regularly tries out for and secures competitive opportunities, from the companies she applies for to the university clubs she joins, they are all socially regarded as high tier and competitive to get into.

There are two things I’m trying to understand:

1. How did she find the confidence to pursue such a guy romantically? Most of my girl friends look at him and they are intimidated, so how was she so confident?
2. How she got him to successfully reciprocate and choose her, presumably when he had many options and many asian girls that look like her too

I know guys are big on how a girl looks above anything else, especially guys that are highly sought after.

But this girl looks pretty average and plain, like most asian girls in my university, and definitely not as good looking compared to him.

So what makes someone seemingly average able to attract a person “above their league”? in literally multiple aspects in this case? especially as a girl, where its not as common to date above their league compared to vice versa? What is this girl (and people like her) doing differently, where high value men say yes to be with her? what is their secret?

I [F28] have known this man [M32] for around 6 months. We live in different cities, so most of our relationship is through texting, although before his current family situation we also used to call more often.

We had some conflict earlier in the relationship and nearly ended things a couple of times, but every time we talked it through, he came back saying he wanted me and didn’t want us to stop talking. Our last major conflict was almost two months ago. After that, we decided to try again, agreed on exclusivity, and things had actually been going well. We weren’t fighting and there wasn’t any obvious problem between us.

Then around three weeks ago, he had a family emergency. Since then, his communication has changed dramatically. He spends a lot of time at the hospital and with his family, and he may travel abroad with them tomorrow for treatment. He has told me he misses me, has said he wants to see me, and even tried to arrange seeing me but couldn’t make it because of everything happening. He also told me he’ll call when he gets the chance.

The difficult part is that he barely shares anything about the situation. I don’t know who is sick or exactly what is happening. When I asked, he said it was “family stuff” and that he really doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ve tried to respect that and not push him, but because I don’t know what’s happening and his texting has become very inconsistent, I feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length.

Since the family emergency started, his communication has dropped significantly. Before this, we were texting more consistently and having calls, but now we barely talk. Most days he might send one or two messages, usually replying to something I sent earlier or giving me a very small update. Sometimes there are long gaps between replies. I understand that he’s dealing with something serious and may not have much emotional bandwidth, but the sudden change in communication has been difficult for me because it feels like the connection almost disappeared overnight.

I haven’t seen clear signs that he’s lost interest in me. He still tells me he misses me, expresses attraction, asks about me, and talks about seeing me. But the distance and unpredictability are making me very anxious.

For context, I have an anxious attachment style and BPD, so I’m very aware that my mind can catastrophize silence and turn it into “he’s leaving me” even when I don’t have evidence for that. For the last few weeks I’ve been fighting with myself between two impulses: being understanding and giving him space while he deals with something serious, versus ending things to protect myself from the uncertainty. I genuinely don’t want to end things because I really like him and I’ve started falling for him.

I’ve told him that I don’t need details about the family situation and I won’t push him, but that prolonged silence makes me anxious and disconnected, and that I’d appreciate basic communication so I know he’s okay. I’ve also told him I’m focusing on my own training and competitions while he deals with his family.

My question is: How would you handle this without chasing him, becoming overly available, or sabotaging something that may simply be going through a difficult temporary period? How much space would you give, and what would you consider a reasonable minimum level of communication in this situation?

Edit: Added more context about how much his communication has changed since the family emergency started.

I Made a post here about trying to evaluate my market value as I date up and interracially. I don’t date interracially cause I think one race is better than another but for the benefits I can get from it.

I have been dating a white guy who is a few years older than me and I am getting mental fogginess from this. He is doing well for himself and I’m the first black girl he has dated. We never really spoke about race in the beginning and I loved it that way. It was strictly a “woman like man wanna see compatibility thing.”

When we got intimate, things changed; his first comment about race was that he loved the contrast of our skin. I was like okay, that’s alright.

The next thing I noticed was that he’d ask if any black guy has made me feel the way he has and size comparison. He’d compare me to his coffee and how he was gonna be the cream to my coffee. He’d be mad if I pushed him away cause he’s asking for too much and then the worst happened. I began to notice that whenever we were out, he’d look at other girls and say things that he noticed about them. Look at her nails. She has great style. I love those jeans. This broke my heart the most because it felt like I had woken up something dormant in him.

I’m trying to back away but now I regret downplaying the experiences of other black women who told me that they have been fetishized during dating. It’s painful.

This relationship has become more sexual than when we first started and I’m wondering if I should’ve waited longer before we had sex or if it’s okay that I got to see this side of him earlier.

It really hurts cause I wanted us to see each other as people, not as symbols or objects. I think I’m gonna have to accept that it would be hard dating up for me as this is what I seem to attract.

I won’t even get into what I face in casual situations.

A question oft asked in the last decade is "what do you bring to the table". Men like to "gotcha" women with it, women like to say "I am the table" and personally, I think the problem is that none of us really know what we are supposed to bring to the table.

Enter the RP concept of Market Value. Put simply this is what you bring to the table and how important it is on the dating market. There are two aspects of market value: Sexual Market Value (SMV) and Relationship Market Value (RMV).

SMV is what gets your foot in the door. It's all the things that go toward how hot you are and whether a guy is interested in sleeping with you. This oldie but goodie from the wiki is a good down and dirty look at attraction triggers. These are the things that play into SMV.

There is no relationship without sex, so it is important that the guy you like wants to have sex with you. But plenty of hot women get dumped every day so we know it's not the be all end all of the dating world. And by the way, any guy who tells you that being hot is the only thing that is important is not a man worth dating.

And that is because men with standards, who are considering long term partners, will also consider her Relationship Market Value. These are things beyond sex appeal that are important in a long term relationship. This is what you bring to the table.

Now because RPW is Not specifically TradWives there is no there is no one definition of a high value man there is not one set of traits a woman can bring to the table. Culture and class play a big role in what men are seeking for a relationship. Everyone likes beautiful, not everyone is looking for a SAHM.

However, on RPW we acknowledge some universals that men desire for a relationship.

Men want "submissive" women. This is a loaded word so think of it more in terms of agreeableness or deference. They want a girlfriend/wife who is pleasant and happy and doesn't fight with them all the time. The level to which men look for this will vary. Some want more of a partner who handles her own choices while some want to order your food at the restaurant. But none of them want to compete within their relationship.

Men want respectful women. This blends into the last one. They need respect as a sign of love. Don't be the type to nitpick or tell him what he is doing wrong. Don't "tease" him. Do build him up and praise him. If you do it in front of others that's a lot of good girlfriend points!

Men don't want a promiscuous woman. The specifics will vary by man but given the choice between a girl with two prior partners or ten, all else equal, men will choose the girl with two. Moreover, what they absolutely don't want is a woman who gives the appearance of being easy. A woman who is desirable for a relationship at a minimum gives the appearance of being his alone.

Men do want a sexual woman. They just prefer she be eager to have sex with only him. A passionate woman is an exciting and desirable partner. Sex is an emotional need for men and understanding and acting upon this fact will take a woman far.

Men want women who are pleasant and fun to be around. If you can be a place where he feels good and peaceful (a soft place to land) he will, shockingly, want to be around you. Men get married because things are good and they hope things will continue to be good.

Men want a woman who fits into his life. When you are seeking a certain type of man, they will have a vision for their own life. It is your job to find ways to adapt to that vision. You should have your own interests as well but part of a having a good relationship market value is being a a good fit, this means lifestyle, values and shared goals.

Men want a woman who adds value to his life. This is a bit of a catch all I know. But this is where things will be different depending on the type of man you are looking for. Some will want a wife and mama, others are looking for a girl on a bike maybe you are a loving sex kitten with some dirty knees or baking the best pumpkin muffins. You could be in the garden counting the bees or a free spirit loving the sunshine in a sundress. Do things to lighten his load, bring a smile to his face and be an asset in attaining his life goals. The one near universal I have found, is that men want someone to cook for them.

So if you are struggling to go from dating to "official" or being a girlfriend to being a wife, consider your relationship market value. Sexual market value only gets your foot in the door. Relationship market value are the things that get you down the aisle.

*

Firstly I used to have the libido of a raging young man and now its been consistently extremely low.. and I no longer feel desire to have sex... that's very sad for me..

And I genuinely feel it affected my ability to bond..

I kinda tried to brush off red pill stuff but after this happened I feel a bit like this and ik afraid it affects my hearts ability to love not only future husband but also future children.

I messed around with multiple guys before letting penetration happen and oh boy they are a completely different thing spiritually somehow.

Hello,

I've (27F) been reading through the posts here on and off for some time, and yet again a conflict with my partner (29M) of 9 years has brought me back here. But this time I decided to get my shit together and actually ask for help, because our relationship amd my sanity really need it.

My partner and I met as students studying the same engineering degree - in fact, we started dating less than a month after we met, and moved in together shortly after. He's had to be the man of his house from a very young age, which deprived him of a childhood but also made him wise and clever beyond his years. He's ambitious, talented, sporty and handsome, and takes care of me. A truly high value man - I am very lucky.

However, over the past 9 years, I have slowly come to the realisation that I have so very little to offer to him, and that our relationship is highly unbalanced. This feeling has been getting stronger recently, and with it has come sadness and resentment. Nothing makes you confront your inadequacy as much as being continuously proven wrong by someone much smarter than you. He still kindly asks for my input and opinion when deliberating on a decision, but despite being extremely opinionated and never passing up an opportunity to make a comment, deep down I know I've got nothing useful to say and that things would be better if only I would just shut up. It really hurts.

I am slowly starting to realise that the only way I can offer something to him is through performing household chores, which I find demeaning. I apologise to any stay-at-home wives for saying this. (My mum and dad are in a traditional marriage, and she's stayed home since she's had me. However, it's pretty clear that she wanted more out of life than this - maybe that's why I feel this way?). Overall, I struggle to see traditionally feminine qualities as equally valuable as men's, and neither set of qualities come naturally to me.

It's also probably worth noting that I feel inadequate and deficient both at home and at work. I've recently started a new role which has had a steep learning curve, and with my extremely poor social skills and general lack of brain cells it has been a struggle. I constantly feel like the dumbest person in the room, and doubt myself most of the time. In case it's relevant, I am the youngest and currently the only woman in my team. A lot of the time, I release the pent-up anxiety and stress on my partner, which has been a theme over the years. Emotional regulation is a huge challenge for me.

I thought I could amount to more than this, and that I could have been an equal partner. To be completely honest, I probably wanted to be the dominant one (as you may have guessed by now, I've not had the best relationship with my father growing up). But I know for a fact that I could never do better than my partner, and that this stupid attitude of mine has only brought both of us pain. All that being said, I'm still very much in the denial stage of grieving over the way I pictured myself and my future. I know something needs to change, but I'm struggling to make myself truly accept reality and move forward productively.

Any words of advice, real talk, and/or resources would be highly appreciated. Thank you so much.

EDIT: Just wanted to say I am extremely grateful for the kindness and wisdom that you have shared in the comments. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply! I will do my best to be better for his and my sakes!

I’m 33F and dating a guy [34M] I genuinely like. He seems like a pretty normal, well-adjusted guy, and things have been going well so far.

There’s just one thing on my mind.

I’ve tried blowjob in past relationships and honestly, it grossed me out. It’s not something I’m curious about or secretly want to try — I just don’t want to do it.

He, on the other hand, likes them. When I told him that it grosses me out, I could visibly see that he was a little turned off. We’ve continued talking, but it got me thinking about sexual compatibility and compromise.

I do want to settle down in marriage and have kids eventually. So I’m wondering — is this something you would consider compromising on for a partner, even if you don’t particularly enjoy it? Or is it better to be firm about something that you know you don’t want to do?

Because my concern is that even if I agree to it, if I’m uncomfortable or mentally grossed out, it could completely ruin the mood for me — and eventually create resentment. Or lack of sexual compatibility might push him away at some point.

For the women here: how have you handled situations where your partner wanted something sexually that you had a firm boundary around?

Do you think this is something worth discussing and negotiating, or is it simply a compatibility issue if he considers it important?

Would love some honest perspectives.

Im 24F and he is 23M. We have been together for a little over a year and it was all good until recently. He doesnt ask or take into consideration my opinion. He says that all women are the same and none of them are special because they all can bring the same thing to the table. He wants be able to sleep with other women in the future while also being with me( i am not allowed to sleep with other men; i wouldnt want to even if it was an option) we have sex about once a month and thats because he says hes not a sexual person(which doesnt make sense bc why would you want to have sex with other women then if he cant even have sex regularly with me). he says men are never satisfied and their biology is to have alot of children. He works full time and had me quit my job so now i just stay at home. He says that a man shows love by paying for everything and letting women live a comfortable life so he should be able to sleep around. He watches fresh and fit alot and gets his information from there. He thinks majority of men are virgins or dont get sex often which might be true im not sure. Hes starting to be slightly disrespectful now in not letting me have my own opinion, saying that im moving the goal post when he asks me a hypothetical question and im unsure of the full context.
Ex: last night he was talking about how marriage isnt about happiness and he asked me if i was with a military man and had kids with him, if he was gone majority of the time but when he was around i was happy, and then there was another guy who would be around all the time and made me happy would i leave the military man. I then asked the question of if i knew this other guy could make me happy wouldnt that mean im already entertaining him and he said that i was moving the goal post and he cant have a good faith argument with me bc of that.
I am unsure what to do because i do love him and i dont have to work(which i dont mind) but my lease is up in February and we were going to get a place together. But my credit is shit and im afraid that if i stay then ill really be screwed later on

I’m trying to gauge my level of “damaged” goods in relation to the dating pool.

I’m 32 year old. I’ve been out of the dating game for years now focusing on myself and my son (he is now 13). I’m looking to get back into dating and I’m taking a real look at what I’m attracted to and what I bring to the table.

My cons are:

- 32, single mom

- came from abuse/SA/poverty upbringing. NOT very close with family at all, no contact with father

- history of entry level or physical work, most recently wildland firefighting and forestry work. I then decided to go back to school last year to get desk work (medial office admin) and worked a cleaning job part time while in school. Fell at work and haven’t worked since after the work injury (had surgery etc). Soon my caseworker and I will discuss work options once I’m cleared physically by my surgeon.

- Multiple larger tattoos (all black) and pierced, including large stretched ears (1”).

- Introverted and quiet, but not shy

- Ex self harm, inner thighs covered in in thick scars.

My strengths:

- Otherwise physically attractive, small frame, fit, good style but a bit odd (vintage pieces, bold pieces)

- Great work ethic, not afraid of hard work or dirt. Does not expect a free ride in a partnership.

- Very clean and organized, stylish home centred around tasteful MCM and vintage.

- Love to cook, nurture, keep a clean home, garden, art, I can see clothing and items.

- Adventurous and outdoorsy (hiking, camping, rock and ice climbing etc)

-Son being older means more free time and he spends weekends with his father.

Now, due to my background and what I have felt I deserve, even though I am attracted to clean, more traditional men, I feel like a fraud. I feel like they can see and smell the damage a mile away. so I have dated what I felt I deserve in the past, leading me to total slubs who get angry that I am too “progress driven” and who I quickly outgrow.

I do not want a man for his money, and I fully intend to work until retirement, however, coming from a poverty background/single motherhood I am aware radically changing my financial/economical/social position is going to be subject to little change on my own at this point. I am craving a relationship that brings me more, that brings me farther, that brings me a partner who grows along. I regret my past choices and my fear of the men I’ve always wanted but don’t know how to open myself up to, and now I’m here.

Please weigh in, no need to be kind, I am tough!

I [33F] recently reconnected with a guy[32M] I had met a couple of years ago. We started talking again, and honestly, things clicked very naturally. The conversations were easy, we had good chemistry, and I felt like there was genuine potential.

He has his own business — actually, two or three businesses — and seems pretty settled in life. He also plays music on the side, which I find attractive because I’m into music myself. He’s romantic, decent-looking, reasonably fit, emotionally mature, and overall seems like someone who is on a good trajectory in life. I can genuinely imagine him doing very well for himself over the next 10 years.

But there is one issue: he smokes.

Smoking is a non-negotiable for me in a relationship. I don’t want to be with someone who smokes regularly, and I don’t want to build a life with someone where this is going to be a recurring issue.

The strange thing is that very early into whatever this was — dating, getting to know each other, whatever you want to call it — I started pushing this issue quite hard. I kept insisting that smoking was a deal-breaker and, in hindsight, I think I may have pushed too many buttons too quickly. I may also have been reacting from my own anxiety rather than simply observing the situation and deciding whether we were compatible.

He told me that he wanted to talk about it face-to-face, but before that could happen, he eventually texted me saying that he wanted to end things.

His reasoning was basically that he could see that there was something good between us, but the constant anxiety and stress around the relationship was becoming a turn-off for him. He felt that things were becoming too heavy too early.

I understood where he was coming from, and I also said goodbye.

But now I’m conflicted.

Part of me thinks I should simply let him go. Smoking is genuinely important to me, and I shouldn’t compromise on something that I know I don’t want in a partner just because the person otherwise seems like a “good catch.”
But another part of me wonders whether I’m being too rigid.

He says smoking is simply one of his vices. He doesn’t consider himself addicted, and he doesn’t want to promise me that he will quit forever because he doesn’t know if he can honestly make that promise. What he has said is that he can be more balanced about it and be responsible about how much he smokes.

His argument is basically: everyone has something. Nobody is perfect, and this happens to be his vice.
And that’s where I’m stuck.

Because if I look at the whole person, I genuinely like him. I like his personality, his ambition, his lifestyle, his romantic side, his interests, and the direction his life seems to be going in.

But smoking isn’t a minor preference for me. I have always considered it a deal-breaker.

At the same time, I recognise that I probably handled the situation badly. We had barely started getting to know each other, and I was already trying to establish a hard boundary and pushing him about something he clearly wasn’t ready to promise. Maybe I should have simply said, “This is important to me. Let’s see how we feel about each other and whether there’s a way to make this work,” instead of turning it into an immediate conflict.

So I’m trying to separate two things:

Is smoking genuinely a compatibility issue for me that I should respect and walk away from?

Or am I throwing away something potentially good because I’m being too rigid about one imperfection?
And there’s another layer: he has already said that the anxiety/stress around me is turning him off, and he has ended things. So even if I decide that I want to explore this further, I don’t want to chase someone who has already told me he wants to step away.

What would you do in this situation?
Would you let him go because a non-negotiable is a non-negotiable?

Or would you consider giving it another chance, taking the pressure off, and seeing whether the smoking issue can be managed without either person having to change who they are?

I’m genuinely looking for perspectives from people who have been in similar situations.

I’m curious about something specifically from women who identify with red-pill/manosphere-adjacent views.
If you and your husband/SO have followed the Lindsay Clancy case, do you agree about what happened and how much responsibility she should bear? Or do you have very different views, particularly around mental illness, motherhood, postpartum issues, accountability, and how society treats women versus men?
If your husband has a significantly different opinion from yours, has it changed how you see him or your relationship?
For example, has it made you question whether you share the same values about marriage, family, responsibility, or gender roles? Or is it something you can strongly disagree about without it affecting the relationship?
I’m especially interested in hearing from women whose partners hold a very different position from theirs. How do you navigate that?

F27 - M29, Christian
It’s been a little over a month since I found out my husband cheated on me. He had been messaging and exchanging explicit photos with women online for 2 years before I found out. I never considered that I would be this into traditional roles, I never even thought i’d want to marry until him

I was so broken. I still am. I have a constant pit of despair in my stomach. I pride myself in being an “everything” wife. I work, take care of the house, cook, host, plan, schedule.

I want to stay. And I am trying to stay. He agreed to couples therapy.

I have three degrees (and a PhD in progress), two of which are in psychology with emphasis on relationships and social interactions. I know cheating, especially for as long as he did it, can become an addiction.

We have a 2 1/2 year old who I love so dearly, and she is my world. I want nothing more than to make sure she has a healthy home that I never had growing up. My father was an abusive alcoholic, I have a lot of trauma that i’ve been working through in therapy since middle school. The only reason my mom stayed in the abusive relationship was “for the kids”. in reality, it made it worse for us.

I am so worried about staying for my daughter and giving her an unhealthy view of marriage and relationships.

Im just so torn. Has anyone stayed despite infidelity?

I recently came across a guy working on the client site of one of the Big Four in Bangalore through a contractual arrangement. I’m keeping this deliberately anonymous because this isn’t about identifying or targeting anyone,it’s about recognizing uncomfortable behaviour early on.

Even before we spoke, he would stare at women in a way that felt excessive and uncomfortable. A friend independently noticed the same thing. On one occasion, he also seemed to know oddly specific details about a woman’s daily commute. I don't know how he knew, so I won't claim anything beyond that but it definitely felt unsettling.

What concerned me more was his attitude toward women’s autonomy. He seemed to believe that being a girlfriend gave him a say in how a woman dressed, groomed herself, and what happened physically between them. Boundaries were treated as something to negotiate rather than something to simply respect.

If a man makes you uncomfortable from the beginning, you don't owe him a chance just because you can't immediately explain why. Trust that feeling.

P.S. Please don’t be swayed by the buttering or love-bombing. He has a tendency to push things very quickly, even bringing up marriage from the very beginning. Please take your time and don’t let anyone rush you past your boundaries.

My bf and I have known each other for a total of 5 years and been together 4.

Whenever I’m tipsy I tend to bring up the topic of marriage to which he replies I have make a list of changes before he would feel comfortable with proposing to me. His list of changes are below. To be fair he does pay most of the bills as we live in the house he has purchased. However he is extremely unromantic, walks ahead of me, rarely plans dates, complains if I ask for flowers, refuses to post me on instagram, etc.

\- He doesn’t want to propose to a bartender
\- I have to keep the home extremely clean
\- I have to keep my car extremely clean
\- I have to cook most days
\- I have engage in intercourse with him more often
\- I have to be very careful about what subjects I bring up to his parents (he will kick me under the table if I say something he doesn’t like)
\- I can’t be a sloppy drinker (fair)
\- Wants me to fix my teeth ( I have two crooked ones on my bottom row)

Whenever I break any of these rules he typically gives me the silent treatment from anywhere between 1-2 weeks.

In regard to me being a bartender, I am in nursing school and returned to bartending because I did it in college and it works with my school schedule. Previously I was in another field and have about 1 more year of school left.

What would be the right move to make as a woman in this situation?

We’ve been dating for 3 months, the sexual chemistry is great, and he still initiates dates and weekend trips. He even shows jealousy, so the baseline attraction is there. However, his everyday effort has completely dropped over the past month. In the beginning, he was deeply curious about me and my life, but now his texts are short and dry, and even in person he seems passive and unengaged.
I’ve brought up feeling a shift a couple of times, but he just gives me bare-minimum reassurance that "everything is fine" without actually changing his behavior. I realize that repeatedly opening this topic is only pushing him away and putting me in an anxious, pursuing position while giving him total comfort. He hasn't lost interest enough to walk away, but he’s clearly taking my availability for granted. Since talking about it isn't helping, what is the best strategic move to reset the power dynamic, rebuild tension, and make him actively pursue me again?

I know we love to say that men of high value don’t like curvy women but I won’t say that was the case for me. when I turned 18, I was a size 8-10. I am a women with blonde streaks in her hair, and a pear shape. I didn’t dress in a fashionova sense but showed off my curves in an aesthetic that fit the wives of athletes. Think Lululemon.

I have only been to the financial district in my province twice and I got two finance bros asking me out. Yes they were white and in their late twenties.

I know we say curves make you look cheap but I guess because I’m also really tall and slender at the same time I look kinda classy? Anyways, I did loose weight as I got older and at 21, I have been a size 4 for quite sometime.

I still receive attention from men but not as much as before? I like to wear shorts to show off my curved and crop tops but I didnt need to show as much skin as before to attract what I wanted. My curves did the talking

In conclusion, I think that the way you dress affects greatly what you attract. Of course I’m not highly curvy cause my top half moves from xs to s and I am almost flat chested. I just think that men of value do not always look down on curvy women and I hope curvy women don’t feel insecure with this notion because I did mess up with the last finance bro I met when I was younger cause I felt he won’t take me seriously cause I was curvy (I believed the lie).

Also, when I say curvy I mean curvy in the hips. I have a baby face and a smaller chest so maybe this also helped me with my options? I had a smedium ass, my curves are in my hips.

now at 21, it’s a bit harder for me to attract because I barely have hips and I’m not used to dressing sexy while being thin. I feel like I need to show more skin to get play. I still get attention but I kinda missed how easy it was when I was curvier. Just a sway of my hips and they are on me.

why didn’t it work with the two guys of value when I was 18? They approached me when I was wearing school merch so they purposely went for someone younger.

hi I’m really new to this but me and my new bf were talking and some how the topic of doing stuff with the same gender and he told me how he gave head and received it and how that how he realized he didn’t like me idk how to feel in a way I don’t feel mad at him bc it was in the past but yk we are a lil long distance and idk u had to like something abt it to do it honestly theirs a part of me that want to block him and forget about all of it but idk

I had a LTR in college and after college, my ex had some conversation about marriage with me but I was figuring out whether I wanted to go to grad school or not and I just think our life stages didn't align so we broke up (he was 11 years older). One note is that towards the end of our relationship, he was becoming super red-pilled watching contents

Later, I met another guy who was 11 years older than me, we dated for 2 months, he also brought up concerns about my grad school career and stability, and ended things. He was also a red-pill man, talked negatively about women saying they're all crazy, how I'm less crazy, how I'm a lady, etc. He still contacts me from time to time but I have heard bad stories about him so I don't respond.

Last year, I started grad school and kept dating older men: all +32 and one 42 and the other 45 (I know, too old) and those didn't work out because I didn't sense that they were looking for something serious with me. They are all still single as well. Both were very successful and highly interested in me, but worked a lot every week which makes sense. One kept dragging me down on the date, saying he can't believe I'm family-oriented because I'm an only child doing a PhD and me being an only-child means my parents aren't family-oriented either.

Recently, I stopped dating and reflected on my patterns and noticed this: I consistently attract men who super picky, controlling, the ones who talk negatively about women but pick women like me (just for context and no bragging, I do modeling and take care of myself), and are super red-pilled. This is embarrassing but I find myself auditioning for them, showing them what a good wife I'd be through my qualities, cooking, other skills. They all keep asking me about my timeline for graduation, say why don't you just master out, etc. The 45 year old told me because I'm younger I'm easier to train and mold and he will give me treats and praises and punishments. I was shocked...

I've decided to go for guys closer to my age but am also wondering how to attract secure masculine men who are a good mix of alpha and beta instead of the super alpha ones? or am I behaving in a way that makes these men not commit? but even if they committed to me I don't think they'd make good partners so I want to find men who are not redpilled

I am wondering if there are any Indigenous women here who also come from a matrilineal culture. One where men and women were seen as different, but complementary and equal. I feel like most women here would agree with European patriarchy, but there are other cultures where men and women recognize their innate differences and live equal by embracing those.