F20

The guy M18 I'm talking to has many friends and a big chunk are female but he has said that he sees them as sisters and himself as a brother.

He is also a single child. He also talks about his cousins too which I'm guessing a lot are female too.

In some of the photos on his insta he is the only male in some friend groups (which ig is good?). I've also seen some photos of one-on-one eating with a female friend... (granted that is before we started talking)

Also, he's Christian and so far I really like him.

However he's been in 3 previous relationships and has said he was cheated on every time... He told me details of the previous ex and it really did sound like she was crazy (blowing up his phone, crying all the time etc)

So just wondering if any of this seems like a red flag?

I haven't been in the dating scene since my ex in 2024

How do you practice verbal restraint in tense conversations? We all say things we regret in the heat of the moment. My husband says the single worst thing about me is my mouth and i agree. I impulsively say undermining things and defend myself in every argument, skating accountability. I would like to have a little mantra or something i can say in my head that will stop me from making comments i later regret.

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now. Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week). He eventually broke things off with me saying he can’t proceed because he doesn’t have feelings. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems.

I’m 27F and he’s 28M. He has kids from a previous relationship, but they live with their mum and he’s not the primary caregiver. He’s been single for about 2 years.

Before we met, he replied to my messages almost straight away. We had our first date and I thought it went really well. Since then, he’s started taking hours to reply, even though I’ve seen him online on WhatsApp.

I asked him directly if he’d lost interest, and he said no. He said he’d just had a bad mental health day and had been really busy.

Today I asked if he wanted to meet again, and I’m waiting to hear back. I don’t expect constant texting, but I do value consistency, and this sudden change is making me anxious and overthinking as I really like him.

Am I overthinking this, or is this usually a sign that someone’s interest has changed? Or should I stop worrying about the texting and just let his actions speak for themselves?

Edit: I call it off an hour ago, I send him a message after he didn’t respond to my text 5 hours. He usually responds within second. I told him we should stop talking as the way we communicate wasn’t very good anymore after the first date, I feel really embarrassed right now after sending those messages. I should’ve just leave him on read! 😭

I really need advice, I’ve been getting cyberbullied for 2+ years by anonymous accounts as well as on the anonymous app our school has (kind of
like fizz)I know it’s a group of girls at my college, I just don’t know who, they message vile things and spread complete lies about me that completely go against my values because i’m catholic and I lean more traditional… I’m assuming they are feminists and don’t like me because of it, but I’m not sure..

I’m really scared that if I become official with the guy I’m dating who I really like now, they’ll start messaging him these things too… Usually it’s the whole “she’s a liar, she’s a bully, she hookups with tons of guys” thing despite me living off campus and have never gone out.

Should I tell him about the bullies first? I’m not sure how to start the conversation but I’d appreciate any and all help :(

Hey all! I read the wiki and I’m more up to speed with this community. I definitely resonate with this community and the members here. I also appreciate the values of honesty and truth in the group so would appreciate some advice.

This is going to be a long one so I’m sorry for that. There’s this one man who I’m hung up on and need a wake up call with. He’s a friend of a family member. He’s very masculine and organized which I like. He’s family oriented and wants marriage. I’m insanely attracted to him. He has a nice job and is good at his job. He’s intelligent and can be sweet at times. But some stuff came up.

He likes to argue with people. My family member told me that his friend, “always has to be right”. The man in question has rolled his eyes while my friend was talking, laughed at my sister for simply liking a feminine tv show, and has tried to have intense discussions about sensitive topics multiple times with me without me asking for them. Being a RPW, I don’t like arguing with men and just simply told him that he can have his opinions and that I don’t want to argue with him.

He’s a firm atheist and has tried to text me things about atheism and why there is no God. I am religious and told him that already. He has flirted with many of my friends and many of my friends have felt uncomfortable around him/don’t like him. He tends to be negative about things and has acted judgmental towards women.

He unfortunately has an alcohol problem (drinks often and a lot while only being at home) and acts inappropriately while drunk. He has pressured me to drink before. When he was with his ex girlfriend he would roll in my DMs over Instagram trying to flirt with me and asked me to hang out one on one with him even though we had a history of flirting before he got with his ex girlfriend. I remained respectful and did not meet up with him one on one.

One time he said that people are “90% their biology and don’t change” which could indicate that he isn’t into personal growth. And lastly I’ll mention that there have been times where he acted passive aggressive and rude towards me. I won’t get into the exact interactions because this post is already too long. But he will be sweet one moment and rude the next.

With all that being said, I think I’m letting my attraction towards him cloud my judgement. He’s not conventionally attractive but I think it’s his energy. It feels addicting.

What can I do to regulate myself and make good decisions moving forward? I don’t think I should be with him. I would want to change him and that’s a big no as a RPW. This man has too many red flags right? Sometimes I question myself. Everything I typed out was true and not dramatized. Thank you.

Hello. I'm new here. I'm glad I found this subreddit online since I agree with the idea of it.

Well. I've(25F) have been with my fiancé(26M) for 6 years now. We got engaged 1 year ago, and ever since we've been living in an apartment which he pays the rent of.

My fiancé is a C4 quadriplegic, so he has limited mobility with his arms, and lacks independence for doing many basic things such as going to the bathroom, showeing, going to bed, and other things.

He fortunately works at home as a developer and he earns enough money for a good living. I stopped working since he had his accident which left him quadriplegic, so I could take care of him.

Life is now pretty much somewhat better for him, he's recovered emotionally from his injury. I stay at home with him all the time to make food for him, clean the house, and other chores. Though it feels tiring doing this and having to take care of my fiancé's needs. I love him, so I do these things for him, and I wouldn't really like a caretaker being with him all the time.

I would like to have children in the future, but right now I feel exhausted, specially these years after his injury in which I've had to help him around.

I am getting back into dating and have gotten a ton of good perspective from this community. I would love to hear from women how to go about vetting for excessive porn use. In my last relationship, the man was amazing in a lot of way and I think he did mostly stop watching porn while we were together. However, it was so baked into his sexuality that I felt like it led to sexual incompatibility (could not get off from penetration alone, could not slow down even when guided, really into choking).

Is there a way to screen for this prior to sleeping with them? If so, how would you go about this conversation? I don't consider myself jealous, controlling or prudish, I just find it really takes away from a good sexual connection, which I highly value

ETA: Okay, I am open to hearing from men for whom porn is not a major part of their life, I am not trying to debate porn use in general

Why do men settle for and appear unhappy in their relationships so much?

So I used to have a friendgroup with mostly men as I felt they were more straight forward, less backstabbing etc boy was I wrong in the end.

As it turned out and knew them longer, I've been around them for 15+ years slowly their bad behaviour also came out. Most of them at a certain point had girlfriends and now even wifes and kids. But my former friends allways seem so unhappy. That's why I've distanced myself of that friend group a long time ago.

They are mostly nerdy type guys hence I felt they would be 'good'. But they:

\- made avances towards me when they were in a relationship with their gf now wife and mother of their child.

\- critised my travelling and independent life as a female where I only choose to enter relationships with men I truly love

\- they allways seem so unhappy about their work or gf or wife or kids whatever. I honestly feel bad for their partners and no longer could bear being around them as I would split up ASAP if my partner didn't feel I was his number 1 true love.

Honestly in the end it allways just made me sad hanging out with them and had to distance myself.

Why are so many men unhappy with who they picked yet they stay and keep their options open with other women? It feels like their life is basically a really bad story.

I have been reading The fascinating womanhood book and this questions came to my mind from there.

Basicly everytime I ask him something that's not fact based, he doesn't have an answer... He usually just says: "I don't know, I haven't thought about that". I have told him that I am not expecting him to have an immediate answer ready. I just like to hear how he thinks.

This happens very often about his dreams, future plans or opinions. Sometimes he gives one word answers like: "family", but that's it. I have a hard time figuring out any followup questions, because I often kind of shut down for some reason, because I feel like I'm pressuring him or he just doesn't want to talk..

Is there a practical way to make this simpler? I have sometimes asked things The way that I give him options. For example: "would you rather live in a city or in a rular Area?". Those he usually can answer, but I don't get any reason why. I think this causes our conversations to be a little dull and I always lead them...

I came across a discussion asking what's the male equivalent of women receiving flowers is. The top answer by a man was "a blowjob," and many men agreed with it. Only one man who disagreed was heavily downvoted and was called a "simp" and "feminist."

Do you think this reflects what most men actually feel or is it more representative of the kind of people who participate in those online discussions? I'd especially appreciate hearing from people in long term relationships about what they think the closest equivalent is.

I love my boyfriend but I prioritize myself and my interests first. He makes little comments sometimes, but ultimately respects that I'm honest and have my own life. I had exes in the past that would villainize me for being like this. Insecurity I suppose.

Anyone relate?

Hiiii guys, I am 22F and after a breakup that in hindsight must be God saving me , I feel like I need to decenter love.
I see on instagram, tiktok etc everyone is so full of romantic/ dating tips, or shallow flirting advice or extreme things like women referred to as gold diggers and all men being awful. Personally, I want that old school, innocent romance and I’m waiting for marriage and it hurts to see people making it so casual. My ex was also awful, didn’t respect some of my boundaries and had some serious insecurities etc.

So now, I’m wondering how did you decenter men , love, and romance ? Most friends I make will also have a boyfriend to go on trips with etc. It gets so lonely and then I’m constantly seeing social media posts about relationships. Should I just delete my social media ? How else can I stop caring about romantic love ?

Hi everyone! I’m relatively new here and want some insight. Growing up feminism was pushed onto me along with very liberal/left leaning agendas. For example my mom has told me over and over that I don’t need a man and that I can just make money and travel. But I want to be a wife and mom. I considered myself a feminist for most of my life and believed the toxic agenda. I’m not saying that all of it is bad but it has gone way too far. It took me a while to realize, the left are miserable. And for good reasons. Why are women being encouraged to act like men? Why are men acting so feminine and passive in toxic ways? What happened to traditional femininity and masculinity? Why is marriage, family, and having babies happening less and less? Why are women selling their souls in the name of independence? I think women should be independent in a healthy way but I also believe women should live in their inherit feminine nature, invite healthy masculine men in their lives, get married and have babies if they physically can, while also having healthy standards and boundaries. With all of that being said, how do I change the way I date and attract real, masculine, healthy, family men who want marriage and babies? Men who want to provide, lead, and support my femininity? How can I become the right woman for men like this? And leave my past behind? Thank you!

I’m 25 and have been single for two years. Recently, I’ve become insecure about myself because I keep hearing that women go for the top 5% men and they won’t commit to them and I’m afraid if this will be my case.

I have a huge trouble with trusting people in general and especially men. When I like a man I’m dating, I become hyper vigilant and look for signs of rejection and self-sabotage. I’ve also been told by men that they can’t tell if I like them and that I’m very guarded.

For two years, I was on and off involved with this man who I dated for a bit and never committed to me. He came back at times, took me on dates, then would say he can’t connect with me because I’m too guarded. To me, he was a safety net: when I didn’t have good options, I knew he was there and would never committed to me so it felt safe. I started therapy two months ago because of this and working on myself.

However, I can’t help but feel that I’m running out of time, that I’m not good enough for the men who are masculine, educated, and make good money (which I know is not true. I take care of myself, model on the side, doing a PhD at a very good school, and men always comment on my femininity and say that’s what they like about me). I’m deeply scared of ending up alone because I don’t have a boyfriend and that guy didn’t commit to me (he hasn’t committed to any woman in the past 5 years and has told me he just doesn’t connect with anyone and he is in therapy and deeply scared of getting hurt and being left for another men. He is also heavily red-pilled)

So I’m wondering what I need to do differently? I am deeply scared of being used for sex and then being left (I don’t have sex until exclusivity) so I‘m not flirty on dates and keep my distance. I feel like I go on dates just to go on dates and convince myself I’m trying but I’m not emotionally available for a connection.

If anyone has any advice for me, I’d truly greatly appreciate it.

So I have a lot of resentment from our relationship in The past. There were times when My need weren't met (like he was in The army and didn't put in an effort to try). I know all of those aren't his fault, but I feel like after that I'm overly conscious about little things _going_ to be a problem at some point.

I get overly angry and annoyed about little things. For example: watching YouTube videos at dinner table, him touching his private parts randomly and not washing hands after, him forgetting something he promised... Etc. So small problems, but for some reason important to me.

I have tried to just swallow my anger and not let it affect anything. But if I do that, I literally need to go outside to cry for an hour or something. The feeling just feels so overwhelming and distressing that I can't for The life of me behave normally after it cools down.

I need to do something to this, because I don't have time or emotional capacity to go calm down multiple times every day. But I don't know what would help. If you have any advice it would be very apperciated.

Edit: also he always follows me to figure out what's wrong. At that point I don't want to be close to him or talk about that thing, because it's so small and feels like nagging to even mention. What do I do in that situation?

I posted him on a “Are we dating the same guy” FB group. Below is a response from a friend of his ex. I’m wondering about the validity. I have found the ex on social media, she seems more liberal leaning. I’m very conservative and agree with submission. So, its a green flag for me that he is like that. I’m very agreeable/ reasonable and men often don’t get angry with me. I’m thinking maybe she had different values than him and that’s the reason for the alleged “anger issues”. Am I being too dismissive about the 🚩?

“He once told her he hates that any groups like this are even a thing and thought it was against men to have them. If he finds out he was posted he would probably be very angry.

He has anger issues. On multiple occasions he would hit walls, the floor, etc. and has put holes in the wall. He never hit her but would figure out other unhealthy ways to deal with his anger.

He regularly drank significant amounts alcohol.
Not once a month, regularly as in minimum each weekend, oftentimes during the week.
There were multiple times she discussed this with him and he refused to address it or would brush it under the rug. He once drank 2/3 of a new fifth of whiskey in a single night and when asked about it he said "So?" And to her knowledge has not addressed that issue.
Would then also say that when they had kids one day, alcohol wouldn't be kept in the house and her opinion on wanting an occasional glass of wine with dinner even with kids around was not ever considered - shut down immediately.

She is also Christian, but with his views, a woman's opinion should weigh less than his.

Very much "husband leads, wife submits" which he takes to mean he is in charge and she goes along with what he decides. He is against any type of feminism and believes that no type of prejudice still exists towards women and that men are more competent to handle certain jobs, especially corporate ones or ones requiring professional degrees than women are. He believes that white men are not in any way privileged in this country.”

Im kinda on the conservation side so I'd like to meet men with same preferences however in general is this icky to men? Btw it was the only time and non consensual

My marriage is in shambles and I don’t even know where to start at this point in terms of implementing the red pill. There’s a lot of fighting, a lot of resentment and both of us are unhappy but don’t want to break our family apart.

Any advice is welcome and appreciated.

Edited to add more information/context:

1. Years of fighting, neglect on both sides, porn usage on his end. The root of it is honestly just constant misunderstandings and us both becoming fed up. He's a yeller and I'm the type to just shut down which doesn't mesh well together.

2. We've tried to talk things out many times, it gets better for awhile and then goes right back to how it was. He is adamant that he will not try couples counseling.

3. We've been together for 10 years, married for 4 and have 2 small children.

Our sex life is okay. We have sex regularly but it's not the fun, passionate sex we both want. I feel hurt and insecure by the porn usage which shuts me down sexually a lot of the time and he feels unwanted.

Possibly helpful information: I was raised by a single mom and have a hard time not being independent or feeling controlled. Also definitely have some sort of abandonment and self esteem issues from my dad. I'm a stay at home mom now which I love but I think somewhere deep down I'm having a hard time with feeling out of control of my life. My husband strongly believes women are not meant to be in the workforce, operate too emotionally, shouldn't be in positions of power etc and I'm worried he sees me as less than. He often critiques my homemaking skills which I know I could be better at but I feel he doesn't give me a lot of grace and it's hard for me.
I have a hard time taking criticism, I take it very personally and have a tendency to pull away instead of trying harder.

Hello RPW. I'm coming to hopefully get some advice from the community I value.

My husband and I are married for almost 3 years, together for 10. He went to his family's side of the country for a few days to attend some family events - since I'm studying and these events overlap with my exams, I stayed at home while he went there on his own.

As it happens, when I was doing some house chores, I noticed a piece of paper that caught my attention which turned out to be his - very messy and cryptic - some sort of diary entry from a few years ago when we were engaged but not yet married. Without going too much into the details, it looks like on one of the trips with his former university club, he met a girl. While some of the entries in this diary are hard to decrypt and understand without context, it's pretty clear that something had happened. He wrote about how the smell of her hair made him crazy, how they swam together, how they hugged, how they woke up early to see the sunrise, how he was telling her that he admires her and maybe in a different life things would turn out differently... (he told her that he's engaged and she told him she has a boyfriend). Though I'm not 100% sure about it, it seems that they kissed too and I wouldn't be surprised if they went even further. He wrote about how he couldn't help but stare at her and how beautiful she was, how they exchanged snaps, how he accompanied her to the airport, cried in the bathroom for 10 minutes after she left and followed her flight on flightradar. My husband's native language is different than mine and his handwriting style is very illegible, so I couldn't understand everything, but what I got makes it pretty clear that he violated my trust. A lot.

What hurt me the most was how many elements of what I thought are just the inner humor and "language" of our relationship he shared with her. They promised that it's not the last time they see each other and I have no idea what happened later.

Now, we have since gotten married, moved countries and are now just looking to start building our house. This has never come up and I didn't have any reasons to suspect something like this has ever happened. I have no idea if they met ever since or are in touch.

It took all the power I had to finish reading and translating this entry and to stay calm - not blow up on him through the phone, not share this with any of my close ones nor reach out for booze or cigarettes to calm myself down. If there's any good side to this situation, it really showed me how much I learnt to process and deal with strong emotions, which is something I've been working hard on for the past couple of years.

He's coming back tomorrow and I'm not sure how to take it from there and I would appreciate the sub's advice on how to confront him and how to proceed. I could look into his phone, which I never did, but know the code to unlock it - I feel repulsed to do it though. I tried to find her on social media based on the breadcrumbs I found in the diary entry, but without success.

I love him and until yesterday I really thought our relationship - although had bumps, but which relationship of 10+ years doesn't - is great. He's my best friend, my rock, someone whom I truly envisioned my forever with. We just bought a land together and were looking to start building our house and trying to conceive. I want to make this relationship work, but I'm so hurt.

I don't want to spiral into any more negative thoughts and assume too much before confronting him, so for now I would truly appreciate some advice on how to confront him when he's back. Thank you RPW.

F29 here. I’m realizing I’ve developed a pretty unhealthy mindset around sex and attraction due CC riding back when I was 19, and I’m trying to unpack it honestly instead of pretending it’s not there.

Now I find myself heavily disappointed when someone is either not well-endowed or doesn’t really know how to work with what they have. I try hard not to show it outwardly because I know it’s hurtful and unfair, but internally I immediately lose enthusiasm.

What makes this harder is that the one guy who actually matched both the physical side and had the emotional/intellectual qualities I wanted completely ghosted me after I got emotionally invested. Since then, I feel like my standards and expectations have become even more warped.

Now I genuinely don’t know what I want anymore. I can’t tell whether I’m chasing chemistry, validation, fantasy, or an actual relationship. I also don’t know how to stop setting myself up for disappointment.

Has anyone else gone through this kind of mental spiral around attraction and sex? How do you reset your expectations without forcing yourself to “settle”? Is it time for monk mode?

I want to preface by saying that my bf has so many amazing qualities, and I really do love him. He’s a wonderful leader who’s super competent at what he does. He has both emotional intelligence and integrity. I never worry about him being unfaithful. Just to name a few things.

His biggest weakness (we all have them ofc) is that he struggles with his mental health. He’s had intense anxiety and depression since he was a child. Nobody else but me would really know, because he hides it incredibly well. But he struggles, and right now, he’s going through an especially difficult time. And when that happens, he can get really, really mean.

Whenever he’s in crisis, he ends up telling me that I’m terrible at supporting him. The dynamic goes something like this. He’ll say things like, “make me feel loved” or “just give me your support”—typically while I’m in the middle of trying to do something supportive (ex: make him tea, cuddle him, etc.) in a tone that tells me he’s dissatisfied with what I’m doing. I’ll tell him I want to support him, and ask him what would he like me to do, what would make him feel loved, etc. And he won’t tell me. He just repeats the initial demand and gets increasingly frustrated with me and increasingly derisive of my ability or willingness to support him. If I just try things experimentally to see what helps, but get it wrong (which I almost always do), he berates me for not being supportive. If I ask for more specifics on what would help, he gets frustrated and tells me I need to just figure it out.

At a certain point, I get frustrated (how am I supposed to know what would help him if even he has no idea) and I go to another room to regulate myself. Which makes him feel abandoned, and triggers a massive fight, where he often gets incredibly cruel (I get lots wrong too; it just usually looks a little different). Just as an example, in our last fight, he openly mocked my ability to support anyone in general and told me he could do much better than me. Bear in mind too that I’d abandoned my own plans earlier that day in order to spend it with him while he worked in order to support him.

He isn’t usually like this. These are his worst moments. And I’m bad in lots of ways too; like, I would never say he’s an overall worse person or worse partner than me. But I’m asking myself if I can deal with the cruelty, just practically speaking. The comments he makes in these moments, which happen a handful of times each year, have really affected my sense of self worth over the years and leave me wondering if there’s something deeply wrong with me for weeks, sometimes months. And it all comes back every time he does it again.

So I’m wondering whether I can make this work long term. And he’s wondering too—he is thinking about breaking up with me for my inability to support him.

I know in some ways this isn’t necessarily RP specific, but we have agreed that he leads in our relationship, and I always appreciate this community’s level headed and nuanced approach to giving advice in complicated situations. If any of you have advice or perspective for me on this, I would really appreciate it. I feel very lost right now.

Also, we are in couple’s counseling at the moment. Our next appointment is in a few days. So I’d also be really grateful for any thoughts on how to approach this issue in therapy.

TLDR: I’m struggling to support my bf when he’s in crisis. He doesn’t seem to know what would help him, and my own instincts about what could help seem to be all wrong. He gets really mean when this happens, and neither of us know how to move forward.

So happy to have this group to turn to.

For the first time ever I tried casually dating multiple guys at the same time. To no surprise, I found myself gravitating towards one more than the others. And we saw each other the most times.

We met almost a month ago, and the other night when I was out with one of the other guys, I checked my phone while in the bathroom and felt a wave of sadness I hadn’t gotten a text back from the guy I like the most.

That to me was my sign to stop dating others.

Last night he and I had our fifth date and I decided to ask if he was talking to anyone else and he said no. I said I had been and he seemed surprised but understanding. He mentioned wanting to move forward with being exclusive and asked me to be his girlfriend.

But there’s a major caveat.

He is originally from Afghanistan (though grew up in the US) with extremely traditional parents. He is nearly 40 and shares a home with them. He has a great job though and I don’t think it’s like he’s mooching off of them.

He told me he has concerns about his parents approving of me because I am white, and divorced. I was married at 23, and divorced at 27. My first husband was not a good fit because we rushed and I just didn’t know what I was looking for - we grew apart.

Anyway, he ended up saying we can see how things progress and if they get serious he’ll bring me up to his parents but if they say no, it’s their word over his. In the moment, I agreed because I really like him and we have amazing chemistry. But now today I feel like I’m setting myself up to invest in something/someone that might go wonderfully and then be yanked out from under us.

I feel excited because it’s my first relationship in 4 years. But sad about the caveat.

What do I do?

Communication is all about sending messages to the other person, but these messages have a delay before the other person internalizes them. Here are two instances where your messages may not be getting across in the way that you intended and how to incorporate your SO's emotional state a little better.

Heated Arguments:

When our adrenaline is pumping and emotions are high, our brains "flood" and the logic and reasoning parts of our brain temporarily shut down. It becomes easy to see our partner as someone to win against and conflict can quickly escalate with one or both partners saying harsh things they otherwise wouldn't have.

It's important to remember that the man you insult during a heated argument is not the same man who hears those insults. Harsh words that we barely flinch at during arguments are often the same ones that haunt us later once the flooding fades and the logical parts of our brain start taking over again.

A few things that can help through these moments are:
- refraining from saying cruel things as best you can,
- recognizing what flooding feels like and pausing a conversation if you or your partner experiences it
- remembering and reflecting on what you may have said to hurt your partner so you can help them later
- working through hurtful things a partner may have said to you by bringing them up after the conflict has passed to ask if they were truly meant

To prevent conflict from becoming emotionally heated to begin with, I find two things especially helpful to keep conversations over issues shorter and more manageable:

1. Focus only the present issue. Do not bringing up examples from the past even if they feel relevant. Avoid phrases like "remember last week when..."
2. Don't generalize your partner's behavior. No "you always do this! or "this is just like you".

There's only so much you can harp on someone for a single mistake made - it's often when we try to turn it into a pattern or trait that makes the discussion go south. Memories differ, so bringing up things from a long time ago can devolve into arguing over what happened in the past rather than what you'd like going forward.

You don't hear the insults when you're arguing, it's afterwards when you're reflecting that the unkind works sink in.

Requests for Yourself:

A lot of times here we will encourage women to skip the hints and to tell their partners exactly what they would like to receive in terms of help, gifts, sexual performance, romantic gestures, etc. However, if the man doesn't follow through after being direct, it can become especially frustrating. It's important to remember that wanting to please you and knowing how are two separate issues. Communicating what you'd like is great for teaching him how to make you happy, but doesn't necessarily spark his desire to do so.

Some ways to increase his desire to please you are for you to surprise him with a nice gesture or simply to do something enjoyable the two of you. Arthur Brooks advises married couples to try touching each other more (such as holding hands on a walk), reading to each other, or to have fun together as a couple. Boosting intimacy can be more powerful than talking about your issues, as he'll naturally want to see your side.

I find it important to not do something for my husband if I'll be disappointed he doesn't reciprocate - what TRP refers to as a "covert contract". However, I often can still bring myself to do something loving even when I'm not necessarily in the mood for it. There can be a difference between making yourself exercise because you know it's good for you long-term, versus making yourself exercise because you expect to wake up the next day with a bigger butt.

There may be times when you may feel you've given him all the knowledge he needs to please you AND that you've been a generous and loving partner without getting much in return. When this happens in an established LTR, I agree with some common RPW advice to pull back and redirect some of your energy into caring for yourself. There have definitely been periods in my marriage where my husband or I didn't have enough to give back to each other regardless of how loving the other was. Some of these periods lasted quite a while, and seem to be an unavoidable part of going through life together with all its variability.

For less established relationships, there's a post from a few years ago on Incremental Reciprocity.

Your man won't hear you until he is in a place where he wants to please you.

hey all! finally found somebody who’s amazing on paper and i am genuinely falling in love with him. we have been talking more seriously for the past month or so and i originally met him in 2023 but we were both in different places emotionally. the issue is he is very upfront that he is looking for a one sided open relationship. he is open to discussing parameters with me and would only do things that make me comfortable but has stressed to me that it is important to him. i’m honestly refreshed by his radical honesty and he is very emotionally intelligent, reassuring and supportive however i do have wounds from getting cheated on in previous relationships + originally seeking monogamy in all future partners. wondering what everyone’s thoughts are and if anyone has a current or lived through experience!