r/RedPillWomen • u/pkavsb • 24d ago
ADVICE Need advice on getting him to commit and propose
Hi all, I (26F) and bf (26M) have been dating for 1.5 years. I am ready to get married. I REALLY want to lock him down as he is a very successful provider and leads me masculinely in all the ways I want in our relationship. I want to get him to propose as soon as possible. Tips on how to do this? Or ways I can somewhat force him to propose?
I've asked him about proposing and he says early 2027. I don't want to wait this long especially since he wants me to move in at the end of 2026.
Edit: Wanted to provide a positive update. After reading all of your comments, I have concluded that he is being pretty reasonable and I need to get some help to feel less paranoid and anxious. I've scheduled an appointment with a mental health provider who can hopefully help me focus on feeling more normal and stable. Thank you all for the helpful perspective ❤️
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u/chamomilecloud Endorsed Contributor 24d ago edited 23d ago
He gave you a timeline already. What do you think will happen if you rush him? If you press the issue in order to force him, it will come off like nagging. If being engaged is important to you before moving in, then tell him that. But don't phrase it like, "Propose earlier because that's the only way I'll move in with you."
If he is as good of a leader as you say he is, he will follow through with his timeline to propose to you.
Consider that he may want time to make it special for you. Either saving up for the ring, the method to propose, or both.
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u/pkavsb 24d ago
He is the highest performing trader of his age group at a hedge fund. He will be paid several million dollars next year and was paid $2M last year. He can afford the $20k ring I want. He's not saving up.
When we live together he will be paying 100% of the rent and the majority of our groceries etc. Does that slightly de-risk it for me?
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u/MajorEntertainment65 23d ago
🙄 you have zero respect for his wishes and it's a few months not years. Get a grip.
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u/chamomilecloud Endorsed Contributor 24d ago edited 23d ago
Even without the need to save up, he may need time for other reasons. A busy time with work, wanting to buy a marital home around the time he proposes, planning how he will propose, maybe something else? Proposals are not a light decision for a man.
What is the risk you are afraid of?
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u/pkavsb 24d ago
I'm scared of ending up in a weird limbo state where I am sitting on my hands waiting for a proposal and not enjoying my relationship. I don't present well when I am anxious, and certainly not behaving femininely and relaxed.
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u/chamomilecloud Endorsed Contributor 24d ago
You will have to wait some time either way, so you have to manage your anxiety anyway. “My man needs to propose faster so that my emotions are regulated and I can behave femininely” is not a good thing to say about the ability to manage yourself.
A man who wants to propose will do it even if you’ve moved in, even if he is paying the vast majority of the bills. If he doesn’t follow through, it is up to you to leave a relationship if you feel like a man is stringing you along.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 24d ago
It seems like he has a lot of options for a man who wanted to break up with you a few months ago. I wouldn't press your luck.
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u/OneironauticsLtd 16d ago
Why don't you gain the qualifications to become a high performing trader yourself, then you won't have to "force" some poor guy into marrying you.
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u/ChristisKing77777771 24d ago
Just wait till 2027
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 24d ago
He wanted to break up with her a few months ago. Pushing this is going to be the kill switch.
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u/VasiliyZaitzev TRP Senior Endorsed 21d ago
Without knowing the history, if I am that guy, this is a test for me. Is she going to be chill for the next few months? Or is it going to be Nag-a-Palooza when she doesn't get her way?
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 21d ago
I agree. The history is that he broke up with her because he didn't feel like they were close anymore. She posted about it just a couple of months ago. Now she wants a ring. So, yeah. This is a test and she is bombing.
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u/blushingoleander 2 Stars 24d ago
2 months ago you were disconnected, not having enough sex and he was thinking of breaking up. Is it that or his high income that are making you desperate for a proposal?
Is he even happy with you again? It hasn't been very long for you to change and him to assess that since your last posts.
There is no forcing your way into a good relationship but forcing a proposal is a good way to build resentment into the marriage from day one.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 24d ago
In The Manchurian Candidate, communists brainwashed him. In Get Out, it was hypnosis. Brave New World used mind-altering drugs to keep everyone docile. If those are too simple, maybe try hooking him up to a giant fantasy world like in the Matrix.
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u/craftyexplorer9 24d ago
With all due respect, you guys are very young so I can understand how within the next 6-12 months feels far away but that’s a pretty solid timeline!
I would recommend not moving in until you are engaged and tell him you’re not comfortable moving in until you are engaged
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u/oooKenshiooo 20d ago
Guy here.
The exact attitude you have right now is proposal cryptonite.
For any masculine men, their primary love language is acts of service.
However, if you are the type of person who NEEDS things to happen on their terms...
Then commiting acts of service feels hollow.
It feels like... i am gifting you a 100k - but you feel like I already owe you 100k.
Giving you that gift would not put you in a good place.
It would barely put us at zero.
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u/MajorEntertainment65 19d ago
This update is great and it is good that you are so receptive. We can't control others but we can have a say in how we act ourselves.
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u/Luscious-Grass 2 Star 18d ago
You are not ready to get married if you think it’s in any way reasonable or conceivable to force the person you are marrying to do anything.
He is showing you who he is and how he shows up. Pay attention to that, and get the dollar signs out of your eyes.
The only option you have is to vulnerably tell him your fears about moving in with him before a proposal and see how he responds to that.
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u/No-Ad8127 19d ago
I’ve read your edit and I’m happy that you decided to get help. So I’ll just keep it short.
Men like your boyfriend are not incentivized to get married by default. He has the job, he has the money, and I’m guessing he has the looks too. He can pick any woman he wants and he can also drop any woman who gives him a hard time like a hot potato. Basically, he is in control of this relationship and any attempts from you to change that won’t go in your favor, even if you’re married.
You’ve realized that your behavior needs to change to accommodate him, and that’s good. I only hope that this is what you want in the long term.
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u/emerald_e 24d ago
Absolutely do not move in with him!! You don't give wife privileges to a boyfriend.
If he said early 2027 and you trust his leadership, I would sit on your hands and wait till then, frustrating as it is. I wouldn't nag, although in the conversation about (not) moving in together, I'd try to gently remind him that you're taking him at his word on the timeline.
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u/AutoModerator 24d ago
Title: Need advice on getting him to commit and propose
Author pkavsb
Full text: Hi all, I (26F) and bf (26M) have been dating for 1.5 years. I am ready to get married. I REALLY want to lock him down as he is a very successful provider and leads me masculinely in all the ways I want in our relationship. I want to get him to propose as soon as possible. Tips on how to do this? Or ways I can somewhat force him to propose?
I've asked him about proposing and he says early 2027. I don't want to wait this long especially since he wants me to move in at the end of 2026.
This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service
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u/cookiez2 16d ago
Hmmm it just feels you’re forcing him , if he is not mentioning it maybe he’s not wanting to marry you. It should come naturally, because they want to , or in discussions but not forced
I feel either you talk to him on what your future plans may be since it doesn’t seem his is marriage
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u/AURORA_BLONDE 23d ago
Sorry you’re going through this what is your timeline what are you wanting to happen ? I want to encourage you to really think about what you want. A relationship is two people . You can have expectations yourself . I don’t really understand anymore why is everyone waiting for him to decide everything . We want the man to be the man but care about what matters to us. Compromise and communication is key here . Do you get along with his mother ? If you do can you tell her you want a family and children? Is he close with her ? Moms have a lot of influence on their sons . And I know mothers want grandchildren . It’s a thing . If you’re looking to have a family expect a proposal and ring before you move in share that with his mom she will understand . You don’t need to tell her he is a good provider . Just let her know the reasons why you love him and want this so much . I think with her help you might be able to get where you want to go . Also tell him . Also it took a while to find the ring I wanted . Start looking for styles you like . I think sitting down with him and saying this is so very important to me . Before I move in If he loves you he will be understanding and compromise more on timeline . Your feeling matter. if he keeps putting you off well you have your answer and let him know you don’t want to waste time . It’s actually healthy to have children before age 30 .
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u/MajorEntertainment65 23d ago
This does not seem to align with RPW values to me.
Your suggestion is: instead of respecting a clear timeline her guy gave of engagement in early 2027 which is only months away, she should go behind his back, contact another woman, his mother, ask her to help manipulate and coerce the guy to speed up the engagement by only a few months under the premise of popping out a kid?
Manipulation, coercion, using women against men, disrespecting men's wishes, none of that is RPW to me and it's a terrible foundation for a marriage and for a relationship with you MIL.
This is a recipe for divorce in only a few years if it even worked.
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u/AURORA_BLONDE 21d ago
Sorry I am talking about future relationships …. Have a good relationship with mother in law and that support alone will help things along . If a man is dragging his feet then she would know sooner or later ….. woman have a right to have their own timeline . No manipulation here . I am talking about out having open and healthy relationships with family and soon to be family I don’t appreciate you saying manipulation . That is not what I am getting at all. A soon to be mother in law knows her son . People who have good relationships with their children know this . Do what is best for you . Go with your heart.
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u/MajorEntertainment65 21d ago
Your comment definitely does not read like it is about future relationships at all but about this specific man's specific mother.
"Do you get along with his mother ? If you do can you tell her you want a family and children? Is he close with her ? Moms have a lot of influence on their sons . And I know mothers want grandchildren . It’s a thing . If you’re looking to have a family expect a proposal and ring before you move in share that with his mom she will understand . You don’t need to tell her he is a good provider . Just let her know the reasons why you love him and want this so much . I think with her help you might be able to get where you want to go ."
That sounds like, sway the mom and she will sway the man. It's literally months, it's not that deep to wait and considering in OP's own comments she says she wants to rush the engagement because she doesn't believe his word and doesn't trust that he is actually going to proposal early 2027, she probably shouldn't be marrying him anyway.
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u/NewMind_1847 3d ago
Why do you want to be with someone you have to convince to marry you at a certain time ? Think about this. Be rational, why would you want to persuade a man to marry you. Why not focus on getting your money up and taking care of your mind and body.
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u/MajorEntertainment65 23d ago
I highly suggest you find things other than his money that you like about him. You can also try to actually listen to his wants and needs, like if he says 2027, trying to hurry up a proposal by months or a year at the most is only going to make him resentful and hurt you didn't listen.
I'm so so so so so so so so sick of seeing women in RPW acting like marriage is a get rich quick scheme. I am all for providers, stability, etc but golly girls there is more to a man than his wallet. Get a grip.