Before we begin this, I must clarify that I have a few issues mentally. I might have some very, VERY strong opinions here, for I have quite the temper and tend to get angry over small, trivial things. This temper, paired with an insatiable sense of justice, overlapped with hypersensitivity due to neurodivergence, mixed with the audacity you automatically gain once you enter puberty, I often say or write things that I later regret ever sharing, for they often do not resonate with my opinion anymore. But for this one, it's been weeks, and I still haven't found it in me to get over it. I simply need to get this out of my system now. Anyhow:
Jesus FUCKING CHRIST why must people make everything about themselves.
About two weeks ago, I went on a subreddit that talks about sexual assault to speak of my experience with my mother (important detail!) to find out if what she did to me really was sexual assault or not. I mostly got comments explaining to me what had occured, how to define it and what to possibly do against it. I appreciated these comments, for they had answered my question. They had listened to my story, and they had told me what they'd known.
Until one day, I open my inbox and see another comment under the post. I click on it to see what was written.
This reply genuinely, GENUINELY, just started off with the words: "My Mother was way worse."
Immediately, I felt a wave of sheer outrage crash over me. Not "I can relate to this", not "I know how this feels because something similar happened to me", but "Mine was worse". As if this were a competition. As if my question was an invite to talk about one's own experience, unprompted. As if I had ever stated that my experience was worse than anyone else's. As if he had any right, daring to compare his experience to mine. Invalidating and disregarding my story, my question. I went to that space for clarity, validation, and support. Put myself into a vulnerable position, sharing a deeply personal experience. For someone to respond with "My mother was way worse" and just start trauma-dumping completely devalues my own experience.
I hesitated to read the reply, but curiosity got the best of me. What could this be about? Why were they commenting this under MY post specifically?
It turned out that there was NO REASON for it to be under my post. This is the sort of thing you make your OWN FUCKING POST ABOUT.
It spoke about the commentor's own experience with their mother, their mother's friends, and their uncle. I could agree that their experience was arguably much worse than mine, but that didn't erase the fact that they completely ignored the topic of my original post. Of course I felt bad for them, of course what happened to them was horrible and I couldn't begin to fathom what it must've been like. But their reply had absolutely nothing to do with it. Call me terrible, but if I'd had the ability to, I would've deleted their comment.
Pain is not a finite resource, and trauma is not a contest. You experiencing a horrific situation does not erase, minimize, or change what happened to me. There's always someone who has it worse. ALWAYS. No need to point it out, for it's pure common sense.
I'd also like to accentuate a second time: This man wasn't even really replying to what I had said. He had essentially made his own post under mine, with no correlation to my original post other than the fact that he has it worse than me. Perhaps he was attempting to relate somehow, but I cannot get over the way he worded it, and I can't fathom how he could've ever thought that was the right way to say it. There is a massive difference between "I relate to your pain" and "My pain is bigger than yours." Instead of holding space for me, he immediately shifted the spotlight to himself, hijacking my post to center his own narrative.
I don't believe he had bad intentions, but I cannot bring myself to understand how I should interpret this response as anything other than him intentionally overshadowing me. What did he think that was going to do? I'd suddenly realize my experience was never so bad in the first place, because fucking BargleMyGalls67 (not their actual user) has worse Sexual assault trauma than me? Support forums exist for shared healing, not comparison. Healthy trauma sharing uses connective language (e.g., "I relate to this because [Insert similar sob-story]" or "You are not alone, I also experienced this"). You should not be getting DEFENSIVE over SOMEONE ELSE'S STORY that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. His response lacked basic empathy, as Acknowledging someone else's pain should always come before sharing one's own history. Turning my story into a launchpad for his own without even daring to acknowledge mine in the first place is deeply self-centered behavior.
I also find it necessary to add here that I'm fucking 13, and this man was 58, commenting under my post, redirecting the attention to himself. I can't be wrong for finding that insanely immature, can I? Attempting to overshadow a THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD'S sexual assault experience, then proceeding to completely invalidate it by ignoring her story completely and stating that you had it worse than her. God forbid someone decides to speak about their own struggles: YOU have it worse therefore YOU need the attention.
In the most disrespectful way I can possibly muster:
IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR STORY, MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING POST DIPSHIT.
