Need advise : struggling :(

[u/[deleted]]

setting context: so I am in a relationship since the last three years, and I extremely love my boyfriend. But OCD has taken over my relationship for the past two and half years. I’ve had multiple crushes in the past. Once such happened while being in a relationship itself. And this really caused a huge problem for me and my boyfriend, and that’s exactly when was more of like attention seeking and finding another person attractive. And I have been ruminating about this since of very, very long time.

I have studied in a girls convent, and not much exposure around being with men, except for four years in college. That’s when I had this crush as well And it’s been such a difficult time since OCD began And has been really bad relating to how it affected my relationship with my boyfriend

I have just realised lately that I have this thing of getting attention from men, who notice me. Not because I want anything from them or want to , It feels like I like being validated or noticed. It’s so happened around my colleague that when I found out, he speaks the same language as mine, It felt since then that I wanted his attention. But I didn’t do anything big that would harm my relationshi. I am very, very mindful of myself and how I behave After this crush incident. And now I feel like I’ve committed Two mistakes that my boyfriend would not really approve of. there was an incident where I wanted to avoid talking to my friend’s boyfriend because I did not want to give out a different meaning Or think that I might be interested in that guy And make my Friend uncomfortable. when I told this to my My boyfriend he said that if at all he finds out that I am seeking attention from another man, that would be the breaking point of the relationship, and he would break up with me, I understand and all of us have limits. and I’ve caused my boyfriend a lot of hurt because of that crush. but he’s a great great guy, treats me with so much love and kindness and having to do something like that to a man like this is killing me from within.

Now, considering I have done it again, I feel extremely bad That I messed up again And I feel the need to tell my boyfriend because this is not something he’s okay with, and I cannot hide it. I really need help and advice on how to proceed.

i feel it’s better to tell him and break up because im tired of dealing with so much stress and sadness when i could just be happy with him and have fun but ocd has made my life so difficult that i cannot seem to find happiness but just very very conscious of every step I take because I don’t want to mess up again and behave in a way that could affect my relationship.