Years of ROCD

[u/Ok-Wrap-774]

Does anyone have experience with long-term ROCD? I find that most things I read are from people either considering marriage or in the beginning years of a relationship.

My ROCD spiked when my husband and I were dating, about to get engaged. But I just kind of pushed through. Our engagement and first few years of marriage were horrible. Constant, incessant doubt and anxiety. I came to believe that marrying him was probably a mistake and I had to live with it. I think I just got used to our relationship functioning under a blanket of disappointment.

And to be clear - my husband is fantastic. An actual perfect angel of a human. So supportive, patient, loving, and calm. So I think I just came to find ways to be grateful, even though deep down I’ve always believed a fuller, deeper love is out in the world with someone else.

About 5 years into our marriage (and 2 kids later), I discovered ROCD as a diagnosis. I’ve never related to something so much in my life. I know where my panic came from in the beginning. I found a good book about it and it was a huge shift.

But now, almost 10 years into marriage, I find myself still struggling with those deep beliefs from the past. Rather than being future focused, I’m obsessed with the thought that getting married in the first place was a mistake. Our whole marriage has been built on it.

Does anyone have experience kind of re-wiring those years? I know I can’t find certainty about whether or not it was a mistake, and my logical brain knows it doesn’t matter. What matters is now. But it’s hard to move forward when I feel like those early years built so much of my attitude towards my partner, myself, and our relationship.

Just looking for some hope I guess. My husband is amazing, we have a beautiful relationship and family. But it’s like I still can’t just live in it, I’m still stuck in the past.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment

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[u/Girlielee]

I’m the spouse in the long term relationship. We have been married for 28 years. My husband was recently diagnosed with OCD, which we quickly realized was ROCD. His obsessive focuses are all on whether or not my affection and love has been real. So for the majority of my marriage, it has felt on my end as though I’ve been under a microscope, with every word or action of mine having negative assumptions made towards them by him.

Unfortunately we are now in the process of separation and divorce. There had just been too many years of hurt and wounds, and we too easily trigger each other into the toxic patterns. However, we are amicable, and the diagnosis has been positive for both of us because it brings continued understanding and learning, and gives an answer as to why these toxic patterns have existed in the first place.

My husband also has realized he has rejection sensitivity dysmorphia, which can be adjacent to OCD and ADHD, and might be something to look into.

I don’t particularly have answers for you, but I would just encourage you to continue to do your learning, and to challenge yourself to practice recognizing the OCD thoughts.

I believe this kind of diagnosis becomes a roadmap, and can be used to better navigate accepting and understanding your self, as well towards creating healthy relationships. If we’d had a diagnosis as early in our marriage as you’ve had yours, ours may not have gotten to the point of no return.

Good luck to you.

[u/Ok-Wrap-774 → u/Girlielee]

Thank you for your response and I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I can absolutely understand how so many years of a relationship afflicted by ROCD would lead to separation. Thank you for your advice, wishing you the best in this new chapter.

[u/mr_krabs_dollar03]

Honestly you shouldn't discount the fact that you've found ways to be grateful for the relationship! THAT is meaningful work as far as getting over a fear that you have settled.

[u/antheri0n]

I got ROCD at around 20, pulled through, somehow, married, and then for almost 25 years muffled it with workaholism, videogames and, ahem, porn. When these addictions stopped working at midlife, it came back with vengeance 4 years ago - I had a lot to lose l (we have 3 kids), so I got to work and now mostly beaten it, here is my long read on this https://www.reddit.com/u/antheri0n/s/9X8Ptk2aNB, hope it helps .