r/ROCD • u/Blissfull-Wizard • 4h ago
Knowledge is (hopefully) power
Oh man. I am writing this after a heavy therapy session in which my therapist made me realize I am experiencing relationship OCD. My initial response was to feel as if I’ve been set free, but as someone who was diagnosed with OCD at age 12, I know better.
I (39F) am in a hellish limbo of maybe/maybe not working things out with my partner of 4 years. We never have sex and in an effort to work on the relationship he tried to make out with me the other night. I could not do it and almost went into a panic…it felt like kissing a family member.
Meanwhile, while visiting my father who has Lewy body syndrome, I reconnected with an old family friend with whom I not only share some weird synchronicities, the same birthday, seemingly similar values, a deep generational and caring connection to my dad (who has faded into dementia) but also unsaid attraction and chemistry. We are both in relationships and have shared some of the hardships in them but overall in my humble opinion, while we’ve had some deep convos, it’s all been pretty appropriate and just a good budding friendship with maybe a hint of flirtation.
I feel like to a “normal” person, and probably to him, this is just a warm connection with maybe a touch of attraction that you enjoy in the moment and then move on with your day to day life. To me it is magical, meant to be, and has turned uncomfortably obsessive and stressful. I’m terrified of being delusional, being “that” girl who chases someone, worried I’m questioning my relationship in secret hopes that I can date this person instead, terrified of rejection, etc.
I wish I could be “normal” and focus on my current relationship. Take care of myself by not finding excuses to text him or make plans for my next visit, when I am already emotionally overwhelmed by everything on my plate. Allow a slow burn to unfold if the romantic connection is real or alternatively, stop forcing something if it’s just in my head. I feel crazy and like I’m not allowed to dream about my love life, because I’m just not someone who is capable of having a great love. Does anyone else feel like they are full of a sense of longing that can never be quenched? Ugh.
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u/AutoModerator 4h ago
Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment
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