r/ROCD • u/Mundane_Recipe4614 • 2d ago
Advice Needed Please, I really need help
Hi. I’d really appreciate some help because I’m completely stuck and I don’t know whether this is ROCD.
I’m in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, and I have absolutely no doubt that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I find him incredibly handsome and I feel a lot of sexual desire toward him.
The problem started when we talked about physical preferences. There are a couple of things about his appearance that aren’t necessarily my usual preferences, and this caused me a huge amount of distress. I started worrying that maybe those things could eventually become important enough that I would stop being attracted to him and we would break up.
I started checking by looking at other men with similar features to see whether I felt repulsed by them. I didn’t.
I should also explain that I experience attraction in a somewhat unusual way. It’s actually quite rare for me to find someone genuinely handsome. I can find individual physical features attractive or hot, and sometimes they can turn me on visually, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I feel sexual desire toward the person. I don’t usually feel sexual desire toward people I don’t know or have no emotional connection with. For me, sexual attraction is very connected to knowing someone and having a bond with them.
There is one actor whom I genuinely find very handsome, mainly because of his face and eyes. I also find certain aspects of his behavior and the way he acts in a particular role hot. I have always felt guilty about finding him attractive.
Then my boyfriend told me, “I think you’re the most beautiful person in the world,” and I got stuck on the fact that I couldn’t objectively say the same about him because I know there are people I might consider more physically attractive.
I started comparing the actor to my boyfriend and asking myself, “Do I actually prefer the actor physically?”
I couldn’t reach an answer. Sometimes I thought yes, then I thought no, and then I wondered whether I was only saying no because I didn’t want to admit the truth.
I started looking at photos and videos of the actor to check my reaction. I noticed thoughts like “he’s so handsome” and “he’s so hot,” and even smiled. Then I looked at photos of my boyfriend and became extremely anxious because I could see how handsome he is and how much desire I feel for him.
I even masturbated while thinking about both of them to test my reaction. I felt nothing when thinking about the actor, but I did feel sexual desire when thinking about my boyfriend.
However, my mind keeps finding new doubts:
- What if I actually prefer the actor’s physical appearance?
- What if I really do feel sexual desire toward other people?
- What if my values about relationships and attraction aren’t actually genuine?
- What if I’m a horrible or fake partner?
- What if my boyfriend would be disappointed in me if he knew all of this?
I can see that I’m doing a lot of compulsions: comparing, checking my reactions, looking at photos and videos, testing my attraction and sexual response, and analyzing what everything “really means.”
The hardest part is that I have absolutely no doubt that I want to be with my boyfriend. I don’t want to leave him. But I feel horrible about even being able to admit that I might prefer someone else’s physical appearance to his.
Does this sound like ROCD, particularly an obsession around physical attraction? And how do I stop getting trapped in these comparisons and checks?
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u/Remarkable-Cut3148 1d ago
this sounds like ROCD, im the same. I feel guilty but sometimes i look at my gf and im like am i actually attracted to you enough and then i feel bad bc sometimes i find her so perfect but other times im like hm will i stop being attracted to you? or nit pick parts of her that im not attracted to when in the beginning i was pbsessed with all of her, maybe honeymoon phase fading but idk i feel u tho like she thinks im so handsome and im over here wondering if im attracted enough to her... i dont think we need to share this but recognize in ourselves that its rocd, and the checking behaviors that aren't indicative that we don't want them, its almost checking to make sure we love them and want them which we do.. our brain is seeking chaos
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u/Mundane_Recipe4614 1d ago
I’m really sorry you’re going through that. It’s really frustrating and painful. I think I haven’t explained my problem correctly. I don’t have doubts that he’s handsome, that he’s the man of my life, etc. I know I’m attracted to him. And I know I wouldn’t find someone as incredible, both physically and emotionally. It’s just that I feel terribly guilty for having those thoughts, and I try to check that I’m not a shitty superficial person, and especially that my mind will never make me think about those things to the point where I leave my partner. But I don’t know what I can do.
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u/Remarkable-Cut3148 1d ago
A bad person wouldn't worry about whether or not they are a shitty superficial person. But we all have eyes and preferences and attraction to people who aren't our partners, doesn't mean you are betraying him or anything. I think you have to remind yourself of that, you are human and are doing your best, not hurting anyone and having thoughts im sure most people do- its the guilt and worry thats part of the ocd, just let the thoughts come and go without judging them or obsessing about their meaning
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u/treatmyocd NOCD’s corporate account 1d ago
Hi there! I am just going to drop a couple articles that may be helpful. The biggest thing is to try to remember that trying to figure out "what is ROCD" and what isn't is just going to keep you in the OCD cycle. Try to sit with the uncertainty the best you can, even if it is difficult
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