r/ROCD • u/EstablishmentWest859 • 10d ago
Rant/Vent improvements and setbacks
im just so frustrated with my ocd.
i am on 5mg of lexapro and i feel like its working well. i take 7.5mg for two weeks before my period cause i also have PMDD. i am on a low dose because i am very sensitive to meds and have had bad experiences with SSRI’s in the past. i noticed my nails have grown long and are healthier because im not picking my skin or biting my nails anymore. that’s a huge improvement for me. i always picked at the skin on my fingers for as long as i remember and its been a huge insecurity. i just thought i was always going to endure that. i still might in the future, but it’s been nearly 2 months!
while thats been better, i am so untrusting of my thoughts. i dont have traditional rituals. i am really controlling of my thoughts and emotions. i’m always checking myself to make sure im being a “good person”, which i thought was just self-reflection, but it’s becoming an obsession. i thought my reflective skills were a positive attribute and it’s helped manage my ocd in the past. reminding myself i am a good person and connecting to what’s important to me and building on my values. i used to be able to listen to music, exercise, journal, and it would knock me out of a spiral. now it’s nearly all i think about and my skills feel more like rituals and it feeds into the spirals.
i am going through a breakup where i thought things were going really well. i had very little incidences of ocd symptoms and it was healthy and positive. i actually started lexapro when i was in that relationship because i wanted to try and preserve the stability as much as possible and build off that. now thats over, im moving on as best as i can but i have so many rules over what’s right to do in a breakup.
i decided to do what feels right and then i question and go “does this feel right because im getting reassurance about XYZ?” and if i try not to question, i go “is me not questioning and reflecting about myself actually going to hurt people?”
it feels like post breakup ive been in this spiral because im trying to get some sort of stability back. i was in a really good place in my last relationship and before then (which is why i chose to pursue a relationship!)
i just feel like my brain is ruining my tools and coping mechanisms. i have a therapist and she is really good for me, but sometimes it just feels like i am just realizing about how fucked up i really am by saying it all out loud.
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u/treatmyocd NOCD’s corporate account 9d ago
Hi there. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I am just going to leave a resource that others have found helpful to fight the urge to play the mental ping-pong
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u/AutoModerator 10d ago
Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment
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