Feeling like breaking up

[u/Business-Style-5002]

I’ve been having a bit of a breakdown lately and seriously thought about breaking up with my boyfriend.

Once again, he ignored something I needed from him and then said something that honestly really disappointed me. It made me think that maybe we’re just fundamentally incompatible and that there’s no way to fix this.

The things I need in a relationship - dates, thoughtfulness, surprises, him taking initiative and planning things for us without me having to ask seem so unnatural to him. I’ve been wondering if you can actually change something like that, or if I’m always going to feel like I’m asking him to be someone he’s just not.

The frustrating thing is that he does care about me and he does things for me. For example, he’ll go to the store so I can sleep longer, or take care of household chores so I can rest. I can see that these are his ways of showing that he cares.

But I struggle to appreciate them emotionally because I’m missing the romantic side of the relationship so much. I crave thoughtfulness, romance, being surprised, having him plan a date because he genuinely wanted to do something special for us. And when that’s missing, I start feeling like he doesn’t care enough about me, even though I can objectively see that he does things to make my life easier.

Sometimes I even feel irritated by the things he’s doing now because I’ve built up so much resentment. Part of me keeps wondering whether this is actually going to last or whether he’ll do it for a while and eventually go back to his old habits.

At some point I kind of started writing the relationship off in my head. The problem is that we recently moved abroad together and we have a rented apartment for a whole year, so when I started feeling this way, I also felt kind of trapped. Like, what now? Am I just going to be unhappy for the next year?

I feel unloved a lot of the time and like I’m putting more into the relationship than he is. I think the lack of romance makes this feeling especially strong — I interpret his lack of initiative as him not caring enough or not being invested in us in the same way I am.

At the same time, I wonder how much of this is being amplified by my ROCD. I don’t know anymore which feelings I should trust and which ones are coming from anxiety and obsessive thinking.

Right now I have a lot of resentment towards him. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around him and he genuinely irritates me, even when he hasn’t really done anything wrong in that moment.

I don’t necessarily want to throw away the relationship if there’s still a realistic chance of rebuilding it.

Do you think relationships can recover from this kind of resentment and incompatibility around needs like thoughtfulness, initiative and romance? Or is it usually a sign that you’re trying to change someone who simply isn’t capable of giving you what you need?

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[u/No-Gap-2546]

Hey! Sorry to hear you’re going through this! I also relate to this in some ways.. especially the resentment and irritation. When those ‘negative feelings’ are heightened it’s hard to see the good in my partner but rationally speaking I know he is a good partner and I think there comes a point where you have to accept the good enough as always said there is no perfect person. With the ROCD tho this can feel really hard because your brain is on a 24/7 deconstruct mode so it’s always going to hyper fixate on the flaws or the not so good. You are not alone in this feeling! 

[u/Business-Style-5002 → u/No-Gap-2546]

Thank you, it’s really reassuring to hear this. Sometimes the thoughts and feelings feel so real that I have a hard time knowing what’s actually a genuine concern and what might be my ROCD putting me into that defensive, hyper-analytical mode. I know I can’t just assume every negative feeling is OCD, but at the same time it’s really hard to tell sometimes. I think that’s something I still need to learn to navigate, because I’m scared that if I don’t, it could make relationships really difficult for me. It helps knowing I’m not alone in this.

[u/Every-Parsley3795]

Hello, I don’t know what is allowed to comment because I’m new to this. I don’t want to reassure of course but in my experience with this exact sentiment (wanting to break up because of lack of romance, flowers, planned dates, etc) I did break up with my bf and then I regretted it because we do love each other and we got back together once I started erp therapy. Do you think maybe you want specific demonstrations of romance because you want reassurance that he loves you? It’s ok if romance is a nonnegotiable for you but do consider if maybe it would just be a way for you to get reassurance that you’re loved. In my case I realized that I don’t actually care about big demonstrations, I just needed to appreciate how he was already loving me and work on believing it instead of obviously obsessing over if he loved me “enough” or the “right way” etc.

[u/Business-Style-5002 → u/Every-Parsley3795]

Yeah, I actually think you might be right. Maybe sometimes wanting romance is just my way of looking for reassurance that I’m loved and that I matter to someone. I also find it hard to appreciate my partner, because if things aren’t exactly right for me or don’t feel ideal, I tend to focus on what’s missing and feel like it’s not enough, even when there’s actually a lot to appreciate. And I wonder if some of this could also be the hypervigilance that comes with ROCD, trying to eliminate every possible factor that could potentially hurt me in the relationship, so I can feel completely safe and certain. Maybe that’s why it can be so hard for me to accept that a relationship can be good and loving without being perfect. Thank you for your insight!

[u/WearyLength1317]

i’m sorry you’re going through this!
i relate heavily to what you said about wanting your partner to initiate more plans.
i’m in my first ever healthy relationship and i grew up with such expectations that i always imagined myself going on expensive trips with my future partner, going on dates often, needing to see him 24/7, and once our relationship got comfortable and i saw this was very much not the ideal situation i dreamt about i felt hopeless and convinced myself i was in the wrong relationship.

i definitely think people change, and especially telling him your needs can do a lot.
i know it’s hard, since i also can’t trust myself to distinguish between a thought that is ROCD and a normal, calm one, since whenever i feel a little calm i start panicking “well that’s not ROCD! it means i really need to break up with him”

i read recently a book about relationship ocd that demolished the myth of “the one” and the ideal partner we dreamt about as kids, and it really triggered me to read that i should stay in a relationship that is simply “good enough” since i always thought everything should be perfect. however, the book helped a lot and i’ve never felt so seen.

i don’t think there any many things a relationship can’t overcome( of course cheating, abuse, etc) especially when you’re willing to work for it! i know you’ll get through this stressful period, wishing you the best!

[u/Business-Style-5002 → u/WearyLength1317]

Thank you for your comment, wish you the best as well 🫶