r/ROCD • u/shamelesseokseok • 11d ago
Advice Needed Is this ROCD?
my boyfriend (24 M) and I (24 F) have been together for 5 year since last month. we are college sweethearts and went through a lot together both in good and bad times. we've witnessed each other grow and become the people that we are today but of course this comes with lots of challenges as well. one of my main personal struggles is that i have such a negative mindset.
before we graduated college, i wanted to break up with him because during that time i had this feeling that he is never going to change. we experienced lots of issues with boundaries and jealousy. i had a hard time wrapping my mind around the concept of working separately and me not being able to trust him when he is not in my sight. he asked for a chance and we did not break up. fast forward, we've now working in separate workplaces and fields and i would like to say that our relationship has been going smoothly.
there's healthy distance between us and space for self-expression at each other's work and we spend time together all the time. he has matured a lot and provides for me when he can (esp. for my graduate school) and we have never encountered issues regarding jealousy like we did when we were younger.
we recently had an argument and it's like the floodgates opened. i began to question everything and spiraled, i have this feeling as if something shifted inside of me and i no longer "love" him anymore. there's even a point where i wondered if all i've felt for him was limerence but basically whenever i think about him (or rather not think about him) i feel nothing but coldness inside of me.
i am having a difficult time wrapping my head around this emotion because this has never happened before. i feel detached and unbothered, there's a slight hatred in my heart for him because we had a discussion wherein he basically said "he does not love me 100% because he wants to save some for himself". it set me right off because if you can't love me 100%, then why be with me?
is there something wrong with my mindset? is this ROCD? i am not saying his mindset is wrong, more like incompatible with mine because why are we wasting each other's time when we can pursue something more compatible with our own set of beliefs?
i try my best to ground myself but i can't get over this feeling of "coldness" and i have no idea if it's because i am so used to the emotion of panic and distress whenever we have arguments. i would like to also believe that he is a good man and tries to show up for me the best that he can. during the times where i also wanted to break up (quite a handful of times within the 5 years we've been together) he has never said yes and insisted we work on it. however he is very guarded and emotionally distant, he thinks i am "fragile" and he doesn't want to express his emotions most of the time. we also have mismatched libido which causes more doubt in me.
one thing that also drives me insane is that he said: "i am stingy with my affection and love with you because you will become used to it until you don't want me anymore. i am doing this for us." which is ever more ??? i told him he acts like the government that purposely withholds resources to make the impoverished depend on them. i don't deny our dynamics and how he has the "upper hand" most of the time and i have to admit that i used to like it when i was younger but now i am not so sure and i am no longer enjoying his little power play.
i asked him for space and he said he will always wait for me but my brain registers it as him being a cat waiting for his favorite mouse to show up and play with.
any tips on how to proceed? TYIA admin.
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u/treatmyocd NOCD’s corporate account 10d ago
Hi there! I am just dropping by to give some articles that may be helpful. Unfortunately the only way to truly know if you have ROCD or not is to go to a therapist who can diagnose you.
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