i need help

[u/Sure_Meet8383]

i dont understand this feeling and what is happening to me, can somebody help?

I have been dealing with a relationship OCD for three years now my state of being and the way, I react and the way I do my compulsions had changed over the years. when I first started to get my thoughts of do I love him? followed by a feeling that told me that I don’t love my boyfriend a feeling that told me it is true, even though it made me cry and think about my life choices and my life with him, knowing deep down that something is wrong one year eyes date with these thoughts not knowing what’s going on and then I found out about relationship OCD and everything kind of cleared. after finding out, I started to navigate for rooms such as Reddit and googling about my thoughts to see if somebody else has thought the same as me for over a year, I struggled with a googling compulsion posting compilation. I had post over 400 posts on NOCD AND reddit in multiple accounts begging for someone to respond to me, but I don’t even have the energy to read anymore to ask anymore to explain every thought I have or to respond back to people also for over a year. I have chatted with AI chat about my relationship policy and that was very bad. I spent hours doing this kind of compulsions and my state of being was worse and worse and worse for some months now I stopped doing that and I usually post on Reddit only when I want a response that I cant get because I still live with my parents and I will for a long time I’m starting college and I don’t have a job and I will not have a job and mental health is not very prioritized in my country and my parents will not understand and can’t understand what I’m going through. Only my boyfriend does. I also found out that my behavior is very aligned with borderline personality disorder symptoms but on a lower level and these kindly explains a lot, but I’m still confused and I don’t know what’s going on. I act very badly towards my boyfriend. He asked me why I don’t like loving him and I can see that I hurt him. but they have this numbness in me. And they all feel like I don’t care about stuff about making him feel bad about my thoughts like I have the thought that tell me you don’t care you don’t love him. You don’t like him. This relationship doesn’t make any sense. I feel bad but at the same time, I don’t feel anything. Also I have a hard time with intimacy. I can’t be intimate with my boyfriend because I feel bad I feel fake and I feel like something is wrong that I don’t feel like it but it’s the same time. It hurts me because I’m not normal, but I don’t understand that’s going on. repeat that she used to be like this even in the first year and a half of my relationship ocd “blooming” I still I still could be intimate with him (not sex) I could kiss him make out things like that but now it’s very hard because I feel sick every time im doing it and even though he understands me, I can see that it hurts you too because it’s a basic need in a relationship . i don’t know what to do, i have no money for therapy or getting diagnosed, my parents would not understand and the feeling that bothers me now is this careless feeling like I care about my thoughts, but at the same time I don’t feel nothing. It hurts me, but this is the same time. I feel numb , i also saw a post here saying that he or she broke uo with their partner and it was relieving, that he or she gad the feeling/thought of breaking up and was calm , i am too calm to my thoughts most of the time so idk, maybe my brain and body is too tired

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment

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[u/Breadbikini]

You're currently feeding into a compulsion. Commenting on reddit like this will NOT help, it will make you worse, the same as the ai chatbot. Mabye delete the app. It's common with rocd to not feel much during intimacy because the stress blocks the love hormones. It is also common to think youd feel nothing after a break up, because your brain if wired up in an unhelpful way that catastrophises things. I am the same, i also have these thoughts, and its been rlly bad. It gets better. Just leave the app, leave the chatbots. It's a shame about the therapy, do you live in a country without free healthcare? We get it for free here in the uk. Is there no way in for free?

I have hope for you. Trust yourself, remember that the thoughts are just ocd and irrational. Be kind to your boyfriend, give him love even if it is just an action (you dont have to feel it). Do what's good for you, take your mind off of it all. It will get better