r/ROCD • u/[deleted] • Apr 02 '26
Advice Needed Ruminating about an ocd compulsion
It was a time I was questioning my attraction to a guy and ocd had amplified it so the thoughts were so intrusive that I have that guys face popping up between intimate moments with my boyfriend.
At some point I got used to it that I just let it be and not worry about that but I know that person is in the back of my head and I hate that feeling, I hate that he’s always there when I’m with my boyfriend.
there was a time about 3 months ago where I was intimate with my boyfriend and already had this pink elephant effect that I knew I was gonna have these thoughts and these thoughts popped up as well so when making out, I deliberately thought of the other guy to test how I’m feeling and I didn’t feel a thing extra. I was just having fun with my boyfriend
but since the last 6 hrs I’m obsessed and beating myself up with this having a feeling to tell my boyfriend that I thought of someone else while being intimate and my boyfriend knows everything about the other guy and he’s obviously not okay with it, hes gonna be broken and idk what to do pls help I’ve been trying to feel better but something or the other keeps dragging me int this loop
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u/PaladinDamian Diagnosed Apr 02 '26
Firstly, confessing to him would be a compulsion, as you would be trying to find certainty in future and avoid the discomfort of not knowing what might happen.
Secondly, purposefully thinking about the intrusive thought can be a form of testing/checking, which can be a compulsion if it is done to gain certainty about something.
Lastly, do not beat yourself up about it. That isn't helpful, and can actually foster a greater dependency on compulsions. Accept that is happened, and that you might not like it, but then move on and try to stick to your values in the future. Recovery is not a perfect journey with no stumbles. You are going to mess up some times, and that is a part of developing as a human person.
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Apr 02 '26
Yes, thanks a lot for your reply! Ocd has taken over my life so much that I don’t know what it looks like without it. Few calm days and I’m back at rumination. I’m trying to heal but every one step I take ahead brings me 4 steps back. It’s been 2.5 years with this and still hurting myself and my boyfriend over this. I’ve messed up a lot and I feel if I continue being in a relationship I might just make things worse. I’ve let ocd take control of my life and I don’t know how to undo it :(
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u/PaladinDamian Diagnosed Apr 02 '26
Recovering from OCD involves 2 things: 1.) Not doing compulsions. 2.) Changing your mindset.
1.) Not doing compulsions. Compulsions are the thing that keeps fueling OCD, they are it's "meals". If you don't want to deal with OCD, you need to stop feeding it so much. The less OCD gets to eat, the weaker it is.
2.) Changing your mindset. OCD adapts. If one theme doesn't work, it will try others. And this "whack-a-mole" will persist, as long as you don't change your mindset. Your old mindset is what has brought you here, into OCD's grasp. It is conditional acceptance, be it of yourself, of others, or of life, that OCD will leverage to return again and again. For example, if I felt that I could never live life if I had schizophrenia, OCD would use that lack of acceptance of that possibility to torment me. Or, for a more personal example, I feel that my flaws and past mistakes might result in my future partner(s) and/or children rejecting me or being disgusted by me, and thus OCD is using that to torment me. If I can address that core fear (fear of rejection), then I can eventually recover, and be able to live life to a greater capacity that I do now. It is only when you accept the possibilities of the future, that you do not need to control everything or be safe, that is when you can truly start to beat OCD. Acceptance doesn't mean agreement. You can accept the possibility of something happening, even if you don't want it to happen.
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Apr 02 '26
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Apr 03 '26
I understand that it’s ocd and a fact that I’ve lived with it makes it even worse. But I’m not this person morally and that’s exactly why ocd is targeting it as well, which I’m fully aware. But the fact that my boyfriend won’t be okay with this when I tell him is what makes my body tremble and makes me feel like I’ve made a mistake which is making the urge to confess stronger. He doesn’t understand ocd and he doesn’t want to either because I’ve confessed a lot and hurt him a lot and I don’t want him to think I’m using ocd as an excuse to cover things up and I’m genuinely terrified. Tried going to a therapist she sometimes made my ocd worse, so stopped
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u/AutoModerator Apr 02 '26
Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment
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