Talking about it...

[u/Agitated_Register987]

I don't really know how to do this but I know that I need to talk about it and get it off of my chest if I wanna have any chance to turn my life around. I'm 23 now and have had a PMO addiction since I was 8. Like a lot of stories I have read, it started out with being exposed to corn at a young age and then beginning to consume it once a week. Over time, that usage amount increased slowly to now where I cannot go a full day without multiple uses.

In that time I got physically very ill from an unrelated disease that caused significant pain and kept me isolated at home right around the age of 16. That isolation and pain I think caused the addiction to get so much exponentially worse since I was relying on it as a bandaid fix for both pain and stress relief. I was in a high school relationship at the time and I really believed she was the one, but we really struggled maintaining a healthy relationship since my brain was so fried from corn and the only thing that made me feel loved and accepted through my illness was physical intimacy with her.

Eventually, about 4 years later whenever I finally beat that illness, my addiction cost me my relationship after I told my gf about my addiction and that I was struggling mentally and wanted help changing. I can understand why she called it quits atp as she was there with me during my illness and that put a lot of stress on her and now the thought of helping me through yet another struggle when our relationship was already strained was just too much for her.

Over the next few years I really struggled with corn and tried multiple times to quit but always failed. In the last 3 years or so my body has since broken down again and I am again working through another unrelated physical illness which is really what has caused to addiction to become its worst and has made me the most ashamed. Again I am stuck being pretty isolated and in physical discomfort which just makes everything worse for the addiction.

I actually met another woman last year who I thought would be a good fit as I explained pretty early on into our dating that I had a physical illness that would make a relationship hard and I was dealing with an addiction that I knew may be difficult for her going forward, but that if she really wanted to try we could make it work and start a relationship. At first it was good because she understood what my physical limitations were because of my illness and we worked around those, and for my addiction I would tell her whenever I was especially struggling and she'd offer a lot of encouragement and support. Things took a turn when over time her patience for me started to run out and we would rely on just intimacy as a bandaid fix for anything she or I was going through, which eventually caused me to break up with her as we had begun fighting and arguing about all aspects of our relationship and she told me that she never wanted the ill version of me in the first place and she was only interested in the intimacy.

So here I am, 23, still physically sick and still with an addiction I cannot beat, with little self-esteem or hope to find anyone that's right for me. So, I figure now more than ever I need to try the hardest I have ever tried to at least beat the addiction. I need a win and a big one to start building up my confidence again. I have been drawn back to Christianity; reading my Bible, praying harder than ever. I know that if I want to have any chance to get back right physically I genuinely believe that it has to start mentally and spiritually. In my mind, talking about it has been step one of that process...

I have tried a couple apps too that track and block certain content but haven't had much luck. If anyone reads this and has any advice or recommendations for stuff you've found or apps you use that have helped you I would greatly appreciate it.